Post by squeezeplay on Dec 8, 2005 5:51:35 GMT -5
In honor of the holidays, I'm reposting my Zoids poetry for the first time (hehehehe, first time on Phenos that is).
Before you read it, please be aware that there is a very small amount of profanity. There is also a small amount of innuendo and political incorrectness. Children below the age of 13 should probably get their parents permission
In fact, if you have any opinion on anything in any way, you probably shouldn't read it after all
Comments, suggestions and criticism are always welcome. Without further ado:
The Boy Who Loved Zoids
(with apologies to the esteemed Theodor Geisel)
There once was a boy, who loved to build Zoids.
He loved Zoids more than ALLLL of his other great toys.
He'd build them, and Darth them, and add some CPs.
Hell, he'd even find uses for all the spent trees!
This boy (who'll remain nameless) would cavort, leap, and shout,
when any new Zoid in the stores would come out.
He'd buy them in bulk, then take his returns,
and soon found out what Geoffrey Bux an Elephander earns.
Dark Horns, and Gusacks, and yellow Saber Tigers,
He even lucked into SIX red BLADE LIGERS!
Death Stingers were a scarce co-mo-di-ty,
now all of a sudden, he's got twenty-three?!?
And don't think he ever neglects EHN JAY ARR,
oh no, he collects Zoids from near AND afar.
CP-03 he's had shipped in from France,
he bought 3, he's got one tenting the front of his pants!
(it's next to his Holo WarDick
He had a great time, at Wally-World and KB,
with all his SWEET Zoids on his shelves plain to see.
But in TRU one day he found a most curious thing,
a Zoid he'd not heard of, a Buzzle Boomer with wings!
"O' Camunderous Zoinkers!" He was heard to exclaim.
"Never have I called THIS Zoid by name"
"It skizzles, it snickers, it windles and wonkers.
Why, it's even got Supercannons coming out of it's Flonkers!"
With a bright purple body, and frubligous feet,
the Boomer was large, and quite a rare treat.
A dark Frobjam horn, wait, "what's Frobjam", you said?
Frob fruit's a color the opposite of infrared.
But the wings are the most incredible part.
No one can tell where they stop and then start.
Shimmering in ALL colors, as if there and yet not,
as you may guess, the Buzzle looks like it could fly quite a lot.
So the boy took his prize to the counter with glee,
And was SHOCKED when the cashier told him this purchase was FREE!
He'd pulled it from in back of a $2 Whitz Tiger.
God, this was better than an $8 Energy Liger!
In the store's database not a trace could be found,
so the cashier shooed him out, making sure no one was around.
Jumping on his bike, the boy pedaled like mad,
so fast he forgot to get a ride from his Dad.
All the way home the boy chortled and frooped,
'til at last he came in his front door with a *Ploopt!*
He ran up to his room, and sat down to build.
His head with all sorts of cool Zoid thoughts was filled.
He wiled away minutes, hours, nay, but a moment,
while under his fingers the Buzzle began to foment.
In truth it was hours, but to him it seemed not,
for he discovered that the Supercannons actually shot!
Besides the main guns, a gatling hoopler it had,
attached to a Gondromitti squirting Jiggadribad!
For a while he amused himself, squirting his cat,
then shaking himself, he said "enough of THAT".
He finished it off with it's SEE PEE TWENTY EIGHT,
Then he noticed the time was exceedingly late.
So placing it carefully right near his bed,
he turned off his light and lay down his tired head.
Now, as the boy lay there, dreaming Zoid dreams a-glitter,
The Boomer's slim wings had begun to katwitter!
Shortly it started to creep towards it's master,
And as it did so, the wings' twitter grew faster.
It made sure he was snoozing, then lept up on the table,
like a Groinkus from some futuristic Zoid fable.
From there it had a great view of the bookcase,
where the Zoids were arrayed all in front of it's face.
At this point you're probably thinking, I'd guess,
"What craziness IS this?", and so must I confess:
This Buzzle Boomer was no ordinary Zoid.
With MAGIC it's Asian creator had toy'd.
In the mold he put a smigglet of the brain of a frog,
and into the plastic he'd dashed "hair of the dog".
Hoping like mad it would find the right owner,
this Tomy employee chanted "Give life to Buzle Bomer"
(hey, you know those crazy li'l guys, they NEVER spell right in English, lol :^)
So at last the Buzzle had come to this place,
and now strange gulient fumeblooms flowed forth from it's face.
They swizzled, and swerlopt, they gamboled and drifted,
And everywhere LIFE like the Boomer's they gifted!
The first Zoid they went to was Energy Liger,
who breathed some life into a red Saber Tiger.
Then K-Wolf, Dark Spiner, and Giga were hexed,
Giggles injected life into Berserk Fury with sex!
(robo-sexuals baby, YEAH!)
Berserk Fury in turn tried to mate with a Dark Horn,
but all he got handed was a mag of "Fiona on Moonbay" porn ^-_-^
Next woke Blade Liger, who awoke Iron Kong,
who awoke Lightning Saix, to add to the throng.
And on and on the awakenings went,
'til the vapors were almost completely ga-vent.
The dozens of Zoids all awoke from their "death",
then the Boomer let loose ANOTHER big breath!
The purpose of this one soon became certain,
As each Zoid transformed into it's most frinked-out version.
The Kong gave a whir and became a PK,
the red one, not the pink (man THAT thing is GAY!)
The NJR Blade Liger went suddenly RED,
while a DCS-J caromed into his head.
A Saber Tiger turned black with silver CP-Two wings
while Zaber Fang, GOLD with black CP-Three of all things.
A kribbly li'l Cannon Spider with CP-Fifteen
turned BLACK, and it made a mad Red Horn turn GREEN!
On and on the fog drifted, 'til it waned in it's spree,
oh, there WAS still some left for a DiBison MkIII (or 3 :^)
But the Buzzle's froo-froolery wasn't nearly abated.
With a third large ka-SPUME! some NEW Zoids were created!
A Gazortum, a Gleeborg, The Spizzums, the Tuzzles,
dripping glorbax from their new bright and shiny gilt muzzles.
(and assorted other bondage paraphenalia
A Clandenderous Shinki with razor sharp claws,
and a Miktor with Hyberbeams fixed to it's paws.
A Fribulik Fromus, a Freemar, a Vandoom,
all capered and tapered and whirled 'round the bedroom.
Gleeful and full of Zoid Magnite, they pranced,
and to see them the Buzzle Boomer happily danced.
Well you can imagine, suddenly, since all this stuff creates noise,
the boy woke to dozens of clamoring toys!
"Amenbo!?!" he sleepily cried to the room,
"What the hell is all this?" and shot up with a "FOOM"
The Buzzle Boomer laughed, a long throaty groke,
and for the first time it revealed that it spoke!
"Don't worry my boy, and don't be afraid",
"You won't come to harm" The magic Boomer now bade.
"We don't want to hurt you, not even a hair",
and this sentiment was echoed by a brown fighting Bear.
"Then what do you want?" the boy asked in surprise,
still gubbling the kringlehorks from out of his eyes.
"Why, we want ALL Zoids to move" The Buzzle opined.
"Except for those $hitty Gravity dudes, we'll leave those fuckers behind".
So out of his room they galoofed with kafuzzle,
and the boy was the last one to leave, with the Buzzle.
Up the street to Zoidking's they ran, flopped or flew,
and they there began wakening all HIS Zoids, too.
Once they were done with Matt's Zoids they zorked on,
and stopped at the house of one called Smilodon.
Then Andy, and Andi, and Bubba's, then Card, thus,
they came to the house of their first Darth, Pardus
They no sooner gave flingle to Pardus' first kajigga,
than they realized any froop who can darth is Da N... well, we won't go there.
"On Daniel, on Raider, on Sy and Escargot"
"On Pardus, on Noogie, on Tom... oops, wrong book yo".
They went on and on, then came MARINE: Jedi Bill's,
where he lay slorkening with his Jim Beam and his bottle of pills.
When his Zoids all started to sklimper away,
he screamed. "But now what will I put on eBay?!?!?"
They made it to where one named thhchx dwells,
or is that the sound a broken King Gojulas yells?
To Pheno's, to Fash's, to Tres' and to Tilly,
the Zoids went, floobering all willy-nilly.
And wherever they went, tons more Zoids they would snare.
For one, Hydocker was too busy being someone's manservant to care! :^Þ
Drakken and Jryu never grokked a thing was wrong,
and the Zoids moved on to the home of one Major Kong.
Then Al Sweet, Jeroen, Haggie, Sponge and Sampai,
were next to have all their Zoids go on the fly.
Mechatek, Ironwing, Futile and Impact,
Every last Zoid fan's toys got in on the live act.
Finally, they came to the house of Raul,
he has trouble with English, but he's nobody's fool.
He tried to hoard all of his Zoids in his room,
but the Buzzle said "why don't you come WITH US?" FLOOOM!
So trailing after their Zoid-friends came all of the kids,
in a sad little knot, all kerplooperdypids.
Then they all congregated at the end of the street,
and waited for the Boy and the Boomer to meet.
When they got to the corner, they stood to and fro.
The little boy simply said "so where will you go?"
"We go to the magic Shelflands Of Satai,
ruled by King G. and Sally B., and there Zoids NEVER die".
As the Zoids galoofed and galumpered away,
the Buzzle looked like he had one more thing to say.
Turning back to the boy, he raised up his Hoopler,
and squirted him for old times sake, right in the poopler.
Ignoring the crowd's frimjabrindingus cries,
and wiping the Jiggadribad from his eyes,
the little boy called to the Boomer "Zoid On!"
and the Buzzle's reply from afar was...
"Iguan"
Before you read it, please be aware that there is a very small amount of profanity. There is also a small amount of innuendo and political incorrectness. Children below the age of 13 should probably get their parents permission
In fact, if you have any opinion on anything in any way, you probably shouldn't read it after all
Comments, suggestions and criticism are always welcome. Without further ado:
The Boy Who Loved Zoids
(with apologies to the esteemed Theodor Geisel)
There once was a boy, who loved to build Zoids.
He loved Zoids more than ALLLL of his other great toys.
He'd build them, and Darth them, and add some CPs.
Hell, he'd even find uses for all the spent trees!
This boy (who'll remain nameless) would cavort, leap, and shout,
when any new Zoid in the stores would come out.
He'd buy them in bulk, then take his returns,
and soon found out what Geoffrey Bux an Elephander earns.
Dark Horns, and Gusacks, and yellow Saber Tigers,
He even lucked into SIX red BLADE LIGERS!
Death Stingers were a scarce co-mo-di-ty,
now all of a sudden, he's got twenty-three?!?
And don't think he ever neglects EHN JAY ARR,
oh no, he collects Zoids from near AND afar.
CP-03 he's had shipped in from France,
he bought 3, he's got one tenting the front of his pants!
(it's next to his Holo WarDick
He had a great time, at Wally-World and KB,
with all his SWEET Zoids on his shelves plain to see.
But in TRU one day he found a most curious thing,
a Zoid he'd not heard of, a Buzzle Boomer with wings!
"O' Camunderous Zoinkers!" He was heard to exclaim.
"Never have I called THIS Zoid by name"
"It skizzles, it snickers, it windles and wonkers.
Why, it's even got Supercannons coming out of it's Flonkers!"
With a bright purple body, and frubligous feet,
the Boomer was large, and quite a rare treat.
A dark Frobjam horn, wait, "what's Frobjam", you said?
Frob fruit's a color the opposite of infrared.
But the wings are the most incredible part.
No one can tell where they stop and then start.
Shimmering in ALL colors, as if there and yet not,
as you may guess, the Buzzle looks like it could fly quite a lot.
So the boy took his prize to the counter with glee,
And was SHOCKED when the cashier told him this purchase was FREE!
He'd pulled it from in back of a $2 Whitz Tiger.
God, this was better than an $8 Energy Liger!
In the store's database not a trace could be found,
so the cashier shooed him out, making sure no one was around.
Jumping on his bike, the boy pedaled like mad,
so fast he forgot to get a ride from his Dad.
All the way home the boy chortled and frooped,
'til at last he came in his front door with a *Ploopt!*
He ran up to his room, and sat down to build.
His head with all sorts of cool Zoid thoughts was filled.
He wiled away minutes, hours, nay, but a moment,
while under his fingers the Buzzle began to foment.
In truth it was hours, but to him it seemed not,
for he discovered that the Supercannons actually shot!
Besides the main guns, a gatling hoopler it had,
attached to a Gondromitti squirting Jiggadribad!
For a while he amused himself, squirting his cat,
then shaking himself, he said "enough of THAT".
He finished it off with it's SEE PEE TWENTY EIGHT,
Then he noticed the time was exceedingly late.
So placing it carefully right near his bed,
he turned off his light and lay down his tired head.
Now, as the boy lay there, dreaming Zoid dreams a-glitter,
The Boomer's slim wings had begun to katwitter!
Shortly it started to creep towards it's master,
And as it did so, the wings' twitter grew faster.
It made sure he was snoozing, then lept up on the table,
like a Groinkus from some futuristic Zoid fable.
From there it had a great view of the bookcase,
where the Zoids were arrayed all in front of it's face.
At this point you're probably thinking, I'd guess,
"What craziness IS this?", and so must I confess:
This Buzzle Boomer was no ordinary Zoid.
With MAGIC it's Asian creator had toy'd.
In the mold he put a smigglet of the brain of a frog,
and into the plastic he'd dashed "hair of the dog".
Hoping like mad it would find the right owner,
this Tomy employee chanted "Give life to Buzle Bomer"
(hey, you know those crazy li'l guys, they NEVER spell right in English, lol :^)
So at last the Buzzle had come to this place,
and now strange gulient fumeblooms flowed forth from it's face.
They swizzled, and swerlopt, they gamboled and drifted,
And everywhere LIFE like the Boomer's they gifted!
The first Zoid they went to was Energy Liger,
who breathed some life into a red Saber Tiger.
Then K-Wolf, Dark Spiner, and Giga were hexed,
Giggles injected life into Berserk Fury with sex!
(robo-sexuals baby, YEAH!)
Berserk Fury in turn tried to mate with a Dark Horn,
but all he got handed was a mag of "Fiona on Moonbay" porn ^-_-^
Next woke Blade Liger, who awoke Iron Kong,
who awoke Lightning Saix, to add to the throng.
And on and on the awakenings went,
'til the vapors were almost completely ga-vent.
The dozens of Zoids all awoke from their "death",
then the Boomer let loose ANOTHER big breath!
The purpose of this one soon became certain,
As each Zoid transformed into it's most frinked-out version.
The Kong gave a whir and became a PK,
the red one, not the pink (man THAT thing is GAY!)
The NJR Blade Liger went suddenly RED,
while a DCS-J caromed into his head.
A Saber Tiger turned black with silver CP-Two wings
while Zaber Fang, GOLD with black CP-Three of all things.
A kribbly li'l Cannon Spider with CP-Fifteen
turned BLACK, and it made a mad Red Horn turn GREEN!
On and on the fog drifted, 'til it waned in it's spree,
oh, there WAS still some left for a DiBison MkIII (or 3 :^)
But the Buzzle's froo-froolery wasn't nearly abated.
With a third large ka-SPUME! some NEW Zoids were created!
A Gazortum, a Gleeborg, The Spizzums, the Tuzzles,
dripping glorbax from their new bright and shiny gilt muzzles.
(and assorted other bondage paraphenalia
A Clandenderous Shinki with razor sharp claws,
and a Miktor with Hyberbeams fixed to it's paws.
A Fribulik Fromus, a Freemar, a Vandoom,
all capered and tapered and whirled 'round the bedroom.
Gleeful and full of Zoid Magnite, they pranced,
and to see them the Buzzle Boomer happily danced.
Well you can imagine, suddenly, since all this stuff creates noise,
the boy woke to dozens of clamoring toys!
"Amenbo!?!" he sleepily cried to the room,
"What the hell is all this?" and shot up with a "FOOM"
The Buzzle Boomer laughed, a long throaty groke,
and for the first time it revealed that it spoke!
"Don't worry my boy, and don't be afraid",
"You won't come to harm" The magic Boomer now bade.
"We don't want to hurt you, not even a hair",
and this sentiment was echoed by a brown fighting Bear.
"Then what do you want?" the boy asked in surprise,
still gubbling the kringlehorks from out of his eyes.
"Why, we want ALL Zoids to move" The Buzzle opined.
"Except for those $hitty Gravity dudes, we'll leave those fuckers behind".
So out of his room they galoofed with kafuzzle,
and the boy was the last one to leave, with the Buzzle.
Up the street to Zoidking's they ran, flopped or flew,
and they there began wakening all HIS Zoids, too.
Once they were done with Matt's Zoids they zorked on,
and stopped at the house of one called Smilodon.
Then Andy, and Andi, and Bubba's, then Card, thus,
they came to the house of their first Darth, Pardus
They no sooner gave flingle to Pardus' first kajigga,
than they realized any froop who can darth is Da N... well, we won't go there.
"On Daniel, on Raider, on Sy and Escargot"
"On Pardus, on Noogie, on Tom... oops, wrong book yo".
They went on and on, then came MARINE: Jedi Bill's,
where he lay slorkening with his Jim Beam and his bottle of pills.
When his Zoids all started to sklimper away,
he screamed. "But now what will I put on eBay?!?!?"
They made it to where one named thhchx dwells,
or is that the sound a broken King Gojulas yells?
To Pheno's, to Fash's, to Tres' and to Tilly,
the Zoids went, floobering all willy-nilly.
And wherever they went, tons more Zoids they would snare.
For one, Hydocker was too busy being someone's manservant to care! :^Þ
Drakken and Jryu never grokked a thing was wrong,
and the Zoids moved on to the home of one Major Kong.
Then Al Sweet, Jeroen, Haggie, Sponge and Sampai,
were next to have all their Zoids go on the fly.
Mechatek, Ironwing, Futile and Impact,
Every last Zoid fan's toys got in on the live act.
Finally, they came to the house of Raul,
he has trouble with English, but he's nobody's fool.
He tried to hoard all of his Zoids in his room,
but the Buzzle said "why don't you come WITH US?" FLOOOM!
So trailing after their Zoid-friends came all of the kids,
in a sad little knot, all kerplooperdypids.
Then they all congregated at the end of the street,
and waited for the Boy and the Boomer to meet.
When they got to the corner, they stood to and fro.
The little boy simply said "so where will you go?"
"We go to the magic Shelflands Of Satai,
ruled by King G. and Sally B., and there Zoids NEVER die".
As the Zoids galoofed and galumpered away,
the Buzzle looked like he had one more thing to say.
Turning back to the boy, he raised up his Hoopler,
and squirted him for old times sake, right in the poopler.
Ignoring the crowd's frimjabrindingus cries,
and wiping the Jiggadribad from his eyes,
the little boy called to the Boomer "Zoid On!"
and the Buzzle's reply from afar was...
"Iguan"
