My first fic - 'Vengeance' (completed!)

[Andy F²]

OK...here goes...
This is my first fic, so all comments would be hot. It's set during the old Battle Story (neo-Zenevas).

Edit - Oh, I should add that there are some potentially upsetting parts, so if you're easily distressed it's probably best you don't read this.


Part 1 - Setting – Neo-Zenevas-occupied Helic Capital

The black Command Wolf sped down the overshadowed street, kicking up clouds of dirt, upending street lamps and taking chunks out of the sides of several of the tall buildings on its way. The reason for the Zoid’s desperate speed was bounding along a short way behind – one of the Neo-Zenevas’s most agile troops, the Fire Fox – and the gap between the two was getting closer.
Hack, the young pilot of the Command Wolf, cursed as a laser bolt glanced against the cockpit’s glass.

“They must be training harder” he told himself angrily, biting his lip with tension and running the fingers of his free hand through his grey-blue hair. He jerked the control handle to the right and the Wolf skidded around a sharp corner, its claws uprooting the tarmac and its tail upending yet another street lamp. The Fire Fox navigated the corner with ease; its front left claw was now glowing a vivid orange and the heat from it was warping the air around it.
The two Zoids were now running through the more scenic area to the edge of the city. Hack snarled with disgust at the cement foundations replacing the beautiful grassy areas - this used to be his home.

“Just a few more yards…” Hack told himself.

“Just a few more…NOW!” he shouted, simultaneously sending the Wolf into a leap over a picturesque cobbled bridge and pressing a blinking red button on the remote set gripped tightly in his left hand. The sky turned red and the resounding explosion shook the cockpit’s glass – Hack landed the Command Wolf with a crunch, stopped it, turned, and watched with anticipation as several of the taller buildings on the skyline collapsed and were swallowed into a cloud of thick, gray smoke. The Fire Fox attempted to stop and turn too, but as it did, the bridge exploded beneath it and the Zoid fell with a yelp into the river far below where it sank deep into the murky blue. Hack’s hairline mouth cracked into a grin which spread across his scarred face, and his blue eyes twinkled with delight.

“That’ll teach them” he sneered, and with that, turned and ran past the two now-dead Energy Ligers and back through the city gates.

[Andy F²]

Part 2 - Flashback

A younger Hack was sitting at the dining-room table with his father, holding a fork in one hand and waiting patiently with a smile on his face. The smell of baking Cookies hovered tantalizingly in the air, and a pleasant female voice was drifting from the kitchen, ‘nearly done, dear.’ Suddenly there was a knock at the door. His father, frowning, began to get up to answer the door and his mother emerged from the kitchen wearing oven gloves and a worried look on her delicate face.

“Not already…” She ushered Hack over to her, guided him through the house to the back door and opened it to let in a strange, tall man with the Helic Republic’s emblem pinned on his uniform’s sleeve. By then, gruff shouting could be heard from the dining room, and there were thumps and smashes to accompany them. A blaster bolt rang out, a dull thud, and then silence. Hack’s mother let out a quiet gasp, and bent down so that her face was level with Hack’s. She gently caressed his forehead with her hand - he could see she was trying hard not to cry and she somehow managed to force a smile.

“We will always be with you” she whispered, and gently pushed him into the arms of the Republican soldier.

“It was inevitable.” Getting up to full height once again, she whispered “take good care of him.”

The soldier nodded, and taking Hack in his powerful arms, pulled him away from the house and towards a black Liger Zero parked resplendently in the road. Hack looked back and saw his mom crying and waving, trying to hold her forced smile to no avail - he half-heartedly waved back, confused and unsure of what is going on. He was told to climb the ladder into the cockpit, did so, and was followed by this strange new friend who sealed the cockpit and began pressing various buttons once they are both seated. The Liger Zero got to its feet, and Hack pressed his face against the cockpit glass trying to catch one last glimpse of his mother. She is now nowhere in sight, although a group of men in strange new military uniforms stood in the doorway aiming blasters at the Liger’s cockpit. Even as they opened fire, the Liger was gone, speeding off past the tall buildings, through the city gates and into the rich green expanse beyond.

[Andy F²]

Part 3 – Setting – several miles outside the Neo-Zenevas-occupied Helic Capital

Hack snapped back to reality to find that his Command Wolf had returned him to what he had called home for the past 5 years, a small camouflage tent hidden behind a rocky outcrop in the middle of a vast green bushy field. The only thing that could give away the position of the site was the black Liger Zero which was crouched outside the tent, but you needed to squint to differentiate even that it from the rocks themselves.
Hack parked the Command Wolf, lowered the head, opened the cockpit and leapt to the ground. He ran over to the tent and shouted “I’m back,” at which point the tent opened and a tall, middle aged man in a tattered Republican uniform stepped out and smiled.

"Once again you surprise me, Hack” he beamed. There can’t be many kids out there who can even get into that city, let alone take down two guards, outrun and drown a Fire Fox AND plant explosives in several key buildings.

“How did you…” Hack began, but the man gestured to the Command Wolf and he saw the camera attached to the nose.

“BattleCam. We could make millions,” the man said jokingly.

Hack grinned. “You’ve still got plenty of surprises in you then, Jay,” he said, and turned back towards the tent. What can I smell cooking?” he asked.

“Trust me, you don’t wanna know” Jay began, but the radio in the tent crackled to life picking up the Neo-Zenevas’s news channel and both pilots stopped to listen intently.

“…and in other news, the cowardly anti-Zenevas resistance forces have delivered yet another blow to our glorious Empire. This will not be tolerated. Several elite units have recently been dispatched to track down and neutralize this terrorist threat, rest assured, you are in safe hands.”

“Stupid propaganda” Jay growled, and he reached inside the tent and turned the radio off. “You’d have thought they could have at least called us something a bit more creative than cowardly.”

[tiny5th]

This is my first fic, so all comments would be hot.

definately better than my first fic, i dunno if youve read it

[Deadborder]

Nice work. Good establishing of the situaton and the chracters. the situation seems realistic, especially with that Neo-Zenebas propaganda boradcast. It's the sort of hting you can imagine happening in the real world following such an attack.

Rick R. (Will be more coherent later)

[Andy F²]

Part 4 – Setting – Home camp, several hours later (evening)

“The Republic’s up to something” Jay said, staring up into the dark night sky. “Those things have been flying over all day.”
Hack looked up to see a flock of grey and blue bird-type Zoids flying silently overhead.

“Ugh, more Blox. I never did like those things” he muttered as he spooned a mouthful of his supper into his mouth. He scowled as he chewed on the tasteless substance which was supposed to represent chicken, and opened his mouth to give some sarcastic comment but was alerted by a rustle from the bushes to his side.
Jay, sat on the other side of the camp fire, whipped his ancient blaster out from its holster and pointed it in the direction of the noise.

“Come out! We know you’re in there!”

Silence.
Hack picked a small pebble up from beside him and chucked it into the bush.

“Hrssssssss….Haaaacc!”

“Just a wild anima..” Hack began, but Jay was already on his feet with a look of sheer horror on his face. He fired several shots into the bush, and whatever the creature was, it gave a howl of agony. More rustles; and the silhouetted beast was speeding off towards the Neo-Zenevas base.

“A spybot…they’ve found us! Kill it!” Jay yelped. “Take the Liger, after it! Do NOT let it report back to base! I’m gonna pack up, we can’t remain in this place.” Without hesitation, Hack ran over to the Liger, climbed the ladder and took the controls.
The Liger stood up, and Hack looked back to see Jay frantically throwing some of their vital possessions into a sack which he then tossed into the Command Wolf’s cockpit.
With a tug on the control stick, Hack was off, chasing after their strange new foe which was already nothing more than a speck in the distance.

[Andy F²]

Part 5 – The Chase

No matter how fast the creature was, it had no hope of escape whatsoever. Each 10 steps it made were barely equal to one of the Liger’s, and the gap between the two was closing fast. Hack, hunched forwards over the controls as though it could make him go faster, was now close enough to both attack and see precisely what it was he was chasing - it looked like a typical black organoid, the only exception being its long, spindly neck and its boxy head.
Having never controlled Jay’s Liger before, Hack, looking down at the controls, had absolutely no idea how to get the thing to fire. None of the red laser or beam buttons appeared to be present, so he took his best guess and pushed the only red button he could find.
The Liger lurched forwards, and Hack gasped with horror. The entire front right leg was beginning to glow red-hot! What had he done!? He prepared to jettison the cockpit but was thrown back into his seat as the Liger leapt into the air and brought its claw done with such a fearsome speed that it made a crater in the ground where the Spybot had been moments earlier. Hack’s look of surprise vanished, a huge grin spread across his face and he began repeatedly pressing the button as though his life depended on it.
The Liger went into a frenzied, spasmodic and completely inaccurate volley of claw attacks which the Spybot, had it experienced emotions, would have found highly entertaining.

“Gah” Hack snarled, and released the button. However, to his dismay, the button had other ideas and didn’t depress - it stayed lodged firmly in a downwards position meaning that the Liger was now stuck in its bizarre dance of destruction. Hack gasped and began searching around the cockpit for some kind of lever which could be used to pull the button back into its normal position - he found a flick blade under the seat and immediately began trying to wedge it between the button and the control panel but to no avail.

“Arrrgh!!”

He began stabbing at the control panel in desperation.

“Why…won’t…you…STOP!” he howled, and stabbed at a particularly annoying flashing green button.

*crunk*

Hack had unwillingly deployed the back boosters which shot the Liger forwards the few extra feet needed to bring its frenzied attack nicely down on top of its target, and by the time he had finally managed to prise the button free from its sticky hold, the Spybot had been trampled so far below the surface it was impossible to tell that there was anything there.
Smiling happily, Hack turned the Liger around and headed back to base.

[Phenotype]

Nitpicky: Start a new paragraph when someone is talking! Other than that, very good.
-Phenotype

[Andy F²]

Phenotype said:

Nitpicky: Start a new paragraph when someone is talking! Other than that, very good.
-Phenotype

Argh! I forgot! I kinda started off doing it, but...
*hits self with stick*

There. Done.

[Fulano]

Damn, that fic is totaly awesome! u gotta be kidding me about this being ur first fanfic, cuz its awesome!

[Andy F²]

Part 6 – The Defeat

The Liger carefully maneuvered itself around the rocky outcrop that hid their camp from the neo-Zenevas city, since Hack, looking thoroughly exasperated, was still trying to wrestle the flick-knife out from where it had stuck in the control panel. Deep in concentration, he failed to notice the scene before him but jerked his head up in surprise when the Liger stopped with a jolt.

“Huh?”

Standing over the broken body of Hack’s command Wolf with its back turned was a strange new Zoid of a design he had never seen before. It shared many of its traits with Jay’s Liger Zero; in fact, it could easily be mistaken for one at a glance. However, this Zoid bore the emblem of the neo-Zenevas empire and sported a gold and black color-scheme which shimmered eerily in the moonlight. Various metallic-tipped spikes extended from the Zoid making it seem larger and more fearsome; a typical Neo-Zenevas trick although they undoubtedly served some as-yet unknown purpose as well.

“Jay? Do you copy?” Hack whispered uneasily into the Comm-link. “Jay?”

He wasn’t even expecting an answer, but he had to try anyway.

“You bastard” Hack snarled under his breath, his eyes beginning to well up with tears.

“You’re gonna regret that.”

Hack looked down at the control panel, and hovered his finger over the red button he had used earlier.

“Don’t fail me this time” he muttered, and pressed the button in as far as it would go.

The enemy Liger was completely unaware of Hack's presence (it was busily hunched over chewing on the Wolf’s Zoid Core) and could do nothing to defend against the attack from behind which was brought down square in the middle of its back.

“YEEEEE-AAAARGH!!!” Hack yelled as he squinted against the flashes and bursts of sparks which rained against his cockpit. “Eat metal!”

The Liger Zero literally bounced off its target and landed with a thud on the soft ground where it skidded along for a few feet and came to rest. Save for a few twisted gun barrels on its back, the enemy Zoid was completely undamaged! Hacks jaw dropped…this was bad. Not only had it taken minimal damage, it was now beginning to get to its feet and turn around to face its attacker.
The full extent of the enemy Zoid’s weaponry could now be seen. Its body rippled with laser and beam weapons, spikes and blades extended from various points and two huge fangs sprouted from its mouth. A cold, emotionless voice echoed from the creature’s dark cockpit:

“This is unit SA-4 of the Nightmare Kings division. Identify yourself at once or be eliminated. Resistance is futile.”

“Oh yeah?” Hack sneered as he pressed the red button once again.

What happened next was what had to be the quickest battle ever fought. The Liger Zero leapt through the air aiming its glowing claws at the enemy’s head, the enemy opened its mouth, clamped its oversized fangs around Hack’s Liger’s leg and hurled it against the rocks to the side of the camp. The Liger slid down with a grating sound and slumped to the ground, leaving a series of cracks where it had hit.

“Get up!” Hack squealed at the Liger, frantically yanking on the control sticks as the beast drew closer. “GET UP!”

The Liger gave a defeated howl, and then all of the lights on the control panel faded away.

“Noo!” he shrieked and began pounding the panel with his fists. “NOOO!”

The Zenevas Liger's shadow fell over Hack's Liger Zero and the cold voice spoke from the cockpit once again...

"Goodbye, pathetic creature."

[Tilly]

I don't think you need to censor "bastard", especially with the content of the rest of it...that breaks up the flow a bit.

So, the NeXus continues its trend of crisping wild-Liger-based Zoids in fics...hooray for saber-toothed ueber-Zoids.

I loved the Strike Laser Claw bit (why won't you STOP!? *whackity*)...and the mention of a BattleCam. Serious always works better with humor thrown in, I think, so long as it fits the tone of the situation.

I'd make the flashback past tense too, though.

[Andy F²]

Cool, thanks for the tips!

[Andy F²]

Part 7 - The End…?

That was when the ground began shaking. Both pilots fell quiet and there eyes scanned the morning horizon, eager to track down the source of the tremors and decide whether the battle was worth abandoning. However, what they saw was completely unexpected. The whole horizon was moving…no, hundreds of objects covering the horizon were moving. Shades of blue and gray could now be made out, and each of the individual objects could be identified as a Zoid. There was no explanation for it, the Republic must be returning to reclaim their capital!

With a yelp that sounded like a cross between fear and excitement, the black Liger turned and fled towards the neo-Zenevas capital leaving Hack and his frozen Liger Zero to recover.

Still in shock from his experience, Hack wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead and watched with awe as hundreds of Republican Zoids thundered past to neatly line up outside the Zenevas-occupied Capital. Some Zoids were familiar; there were pale blue Liger Zeros, Cannon Tortoises and even one or two captured Energy Ligers – but among these were several strange, new creations like the small silver and blue Lions and Crocodiles which, for some reason, seemed to share many of the same design elements.

In the sky were two more new bird-type Zoids Hack had never seen before; one was silver and gray with huge gold shield claws (similar to a Berserk Fuhrer’s) and the other looked like a miniature Salamander, which, as he watched, fell from the sky and turned into a Dimetrodon-type Zoid which scurried off and vanished into the front lines.

*bleep*

“Huh?” Hack snapped back to find that the lights on the control panel were now all fully lit.

“Alright! Let’s do this!” he shouted happily at the Liger which leapt to its feet and ran to join the rest of the Republican army.

“Lets go home!”

[Andy F²]

I warn you now, this bit gets violent....But hey, its a war!

Part 8 – The Final Battle

By the time Hack and his Liger Zero had reached the Helic lines, the Zenevas troops had already begun spilling out through the city gates and lining up to face the newcomers. Dimetrodons…Seismosaurus’s…Energy Ligers…5 black Ligers identical to the one from earlier, and lastly, a black Energy Liger marked unmistakably with the Zenevas Emperor’s royal crest.

“This is gonna be one hell of a battle” he told his Liger, which growled in response and clawed at the ground eagerly with its front paw.

And then it began. The Emperor’s Energy Liger gave a blood-curdling howl and the Zenevas forces ploughed into the Helic frontlines – fangs bit, claws ripped and blades sliced. With inferior Zoids and outnumbered at least 3 to one, the Helic forces did there best to hold back the surge but without any heavy weaponry their Zoids were soon taking serious damage.
Hack stood frozen for a moment with awe, but eager for blood, soon dived into the battle absolutely determined to at least take a couple of enemy troops down before the inevitable. He soon developed an effective strategy – hold down as many buttons as possible and see what happens. A long, pale gold neck snaked up in front of him – the Liger’s glowing claw came hurtling down upon it and smashed it against the ground. An Energy Liger lunged from the side in an attempt to skewer Hack with its horn; he feigned to the left, jumped back and bit deep into the creature’s neck. With a jerk, the neck snapped – fluid sprayed and wires blossomed – and the Zoid fell dead.

Hack was distracted from his frenzy when a flashing yellow button to the edge of the control panel caught his eye. He pressed it…

*Chung-Kunk*

Two shells shot out from under the Liger and dug deep into a nearby Dimetrodon’s body before exploding and sending a fountain of maroon armor and spines flying into the air. He grinned, pushed the yellow button again and sent a nearby black and gold Molga soaring off into the distance. This newly discovered weapon kept him amused for a while; he fired off a veritable barrage of shells and watched with enthusiasm as several nearby Zoids lost various parts of their bodies and collapsed into pitiful heaps.

“That’s for my mom!” he screamed with rage as an unlucky Guntiger a few feet away got a face-full of shells.

“That’s for my Dad!” …an Energy Liger lost its ability to move.

“And that’s for Jay!” he screamed, slicing through a Fire Fox’s head with a dual Strike Laser Claw.

He raised the Liger’s claws again to completely ruin the Fire Fox, but something smashed hard against his Zoid from the side and sent it flying through the air like a rag doll. He crashed down, bounced a little and then slid along the ground for a few meters before juddering to rest against a dead blue Liger Zero. A shadow fell over his Liger…

“Didn’t I kill you already?”

“No…” Hack mouthed, staring up at his attacker who now stood gloatingly above him. “No…”

The black Liger raised a claw and swung it at Hack, shattering armor and sending him tumbling away. It ran to catch up, then, teeth glowing, it sunk its fangs deep into the Liger Zero’s side and shook viciously, ripping through the metal like it was paper and tossing chunks of it away. Hack managed to shake his assailant off and began to stand up.

*crack*

The Liger lurched forwards and collapsed, electricity crackling angrily around its now broken leg joint.

"No!" Hack howled.

“Pathetic. Utterly pathetic.”

The black Liger opened its huge mouth and began to close in...