Re: Dying Dreams

[kingg]

that cool, and night-mare-blaze sounds like it should be a real zoid

[RavenRaptor]

thankyou! I know, i want to custom one, i wish a normal leo to begin with......lol

-RR

[Deadborder]

It's mostly good... mostly. There are a few things though.

The change in person perpsective is jarring and somewhat off-putting. I can understand the jump in point of view but It's probably better if you keep it in the htrid person. It flows a hell of a lot better.

(Check out the jumps form person to person in my fic for an idea - the point of view changes, but it remains in the third person)

Likewise, the "Moroku's point of view" is very jarring and really breaks up the text.

Moroku herself needs a bit more introduction... if we knrew a bit more about her as a person. Yes, she';s elaborately described and yes she has a custom Leoblaze, but we dont know much beyond that.

I also think that the all-black-and-red gothic everyhting is over-used and probably overkill, but that's perobably just me

But its a nice start, cartianly. Keep at it.

Rick R.

[tiny5th]

RavenRaptor said:

and had the ability to read her mind. He also could talk to her through her mind. Only her, and she could only hear him.

havent read eragon by any chance have you?

[Tilly]

Deadborder said:

I also think that the all-black-and-red gothic everyhting is over-used and probably overkill

Black-obsessed madwomannnn~! *still wants that on a t-shirt*

Is the bartender's name Bob?

*hit with stick for making obscure references to things*

[RavenRaptor]

Yea, im sorry for the point of view change, bu it kinda had to happend for 3 main reasons:

1: I can't write third person very well.

2: For the reader tp begin puzzling the emotion and plot it needed some host to make it happen.

3: I started typing, then stopped, then typed the rest, then i notice i went from "Her" to "I" without a point of view change. So i just stuck it in there so i didn't have to retype it all.

LOL, I haven't thought of a name for the barteder...lol But he works for Zoitec with Moroku just to fill ya in

I love goth, even if it's over used, she also is undercover, she is a general...lol You will see...MWUAHAH!

And i liked the switch, it was hinting the importance of the conversationa and the man overhearing...lol

And i never heard of that show...I just did that because all the other organoids seemed too...lol

-RR

[Deadborder]

Tilly said:

Black-obsessed madwomannnn~! *still wants that on a t-shirt*

Is the bartender's name Bob?

*hit with stick for making obscure references to things*

How about a "Beige Obsessed Madwoman" shirt? That'd be cool.

(Thinks; Now has to write a fic featuring a beige-obsessed Madwoman)

And maybe the Bartender's Maccadam... with his robot piano and everything. Wow. That is obscure.

Wheeee!

Rick R. (Who remembers that he has a 'Black Obsessed Madmen' team in his fic...)

[RavenRaptor]

Can you place stick to the comments, i could care less about ur senseless obscere moment.

I wish to improve, and telling me to change her colour from black to brown is just....Not acceptible...

Any one else have good ideas?

-RR

[Deadborder]

OK then, here's some more.

The chracter herself seems to be, well, munchkinnish. She's a kewl-as-all-hell Goth Girl. OK, that's acceptable. But she's actually a secret agent. And a general. And she's got her own super-custom Leoblaze that's better then any other Leoblaze (and is, of course, black). And she's got an organoid. And she's going to get a 'legendary' Zoid that's better then anything else form expectations.

This is the type of chracter I find incredibly boring. There's nothing to my mind less interesting then a chracter like htis. She's got this, that and the other; she's got a Zoid that's better then any other Zoid; she's "special." These kind of chracters end up being rather dull.

Try trimming back the chracter. I'm sure that they could live without being a general (a very, very unlikely rank for a secret agent, especially one who appears to be in their early 20s) or withiout the super-kewlzies custom Leoblaze or maybe even without the organoid.

And the whole "black" thing is very trite and cliche.

Well, you asked for ideas, I provide.

Rick R.

[Tilly]

That's what I'm trying to say with the black-obsessed thing *nods*...heck, that's how the joke got started.

[RavenRaptor]

You will see, i didn't choose this for just anything! Geeze, you sould expect more from me. You will see if i plan to continue. But she IS undercover and really nothing like this. And the organoid leaves, and the legendary zoid isn't what she thinks, and the guy well...enough for the spoilers. But

Maybe you should not judge a book by its cover.

For you know nothingyet...

[skatemonkey89]

i dont care what they say. so far, your character doesnt seam allmighty-powerful-general-person. i think shes pretty cool, and i like yor story so far. ya, the veiw change was weird, but i mean, cmon. ppl can get over that small little thing

[Tilly]

OCs are hard enough to make interesting (evil things), and making one that appears to fit a cliche until you get to know them better just makes it harder to get people to like them. Flawed characters are more interesting to me, personally...although I also can like "cool" ones. Or even better, a combination of the above....they're fun to have collide.

If she's acting goth-y to be undercover, I'd have her be uncomfortable with the clothes-maybe fiddling with them, or some other nervous habit she's not really aware of herself...

*ramble*

[RavenRaptor]

OK! I GET IT!

Geezes freckin grime...

*deletes story*