Post by Deadborder on Nov 14, 2013 23:51:09 GMT -5
Because letting a total stranger just walk into the team after he beat the rest of you up for no real reason is such a good idea
Know, oh prince, that in the years between the fall of the New American Release, and the rise of the Kotobukiya HMM Zoids, there was an Age undreamed of, when shining franchises lay spread across the world like blue mantles beneath the stars… Hither came Kevin, the Dark Spiner, brown-haired, sullen-eyed, Zoid at hand, a godboy, a self-insert, an egotistical power-trip, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the canon under his plastic dinosaur feet.
Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis Written by: Zogster and Rick R.
Post by Deadborder on Nov 14, 2013 23:51:28 GMT -5
Episode 209 – Kevin!
It was a nice apartment, well-lit, spacious and well furnished. A pair of nice, plush leather couches set the scene, arranged in a neat L-shape, with a small coffee table between them. What dominated the room, however, was the massive flat-screen against one wall, so big as to loom over all else around it. By comparison, the broad windows with views out over a strangely futuristic metropolis and the other doorways leading away to gods alone knew where seemed like afterthoughts.
Rick was the first to arrive, carrying a laptop computer, setting it down on the coffee table. Plugging a few more devices into it, he powered it on and began fiddling with the settings. “This is gonna be great.” He told himself, his tone upbeat as he worked.
Tsuneo entered a little while later, nodding to his friend as he did. “Hey there.” He began. “Something up?”
“Just had a little idea after the last… thing.” Rick explained. “So I put something together.”
“Another comic book pitch?” Tsuneo asked. “Proof of concept or something?”
“No, but I have some more ideas there too.” He nodded. “But I’m waiting for the others before I get started.”
“Interesting and borderline ominous.” Tsuneo smirked a little.
Rebecca stepped in a moment later. “Now that’s not something I want to walk in to, especially not in this place. Usually means something awful about to happen.”
“Naw, this should be good.” Rick countered. “Trust me.”
“Now I’m even more scared.”
“Join the club.” Tsuneo muttered.
Dan shuffled in, flopping down on the couch. “So what is this, a pre-game show?” He shrugged.
“Sort of.” Rick indicated to the others. “Take a seat, guys.”
Rebecca offered a shrug, then sat down on the couch, Tsuneo sitting next to her. “So what’s all this about?” She asked.
“So the last chapter of Delta introduced us to John Barren.” Rick explained.
“Who’s special.” Dan smirked.
“Yes!” Rick nodded. “But his backstory… was a mess. It made no sense, contradicted itself and looped back several times.”
“To say the least.” Tsuneo shook his head. “And all we learned was-“
“He’s special, right.” Rick finished. “So I put together a presentation to clear it up a bit.” He pressed a few buttons on the laptop, images coming up on the big screen.”
“Well this should be good.” Rebecca smirked.
“John Barren is, in fact, a clone.” Rick began as his first slide came up. “He was created from a hybrid of salvaged Angel DNA and Lex Luthor’s DNA used to make up the gaps. SEELE’s plan was to engineer the Kwistaz Hederach, a man-made and edible supreme being. This project was ordered by Keel Lorenz and undertaken in the secret X-Com base on Alcatraz Island.” He waved at his slide, which was comprised mainly of a jumble of illustrations of the concepts he had mentioned, jarringly interspersed.
“Um, that doesn’t seem to fit.” Tsuneo warily replied. “In fact, that doesn’t seem at all like what we saw in the fic at all. Um, are you sure about this?”
“Please save all questions until after the conclusion of the lecture.” Rick simply stated.
“Right.” He shrugged at Rebecca
Rick bought up a new display. “The embryo was placed inside his surrogate mother, Tamara Kairo, and bought to term through the use of Iron Womb technology-“
“-he was in a normal womb-“ Dan interjected.
“Shh, I want to see where this was going.” Rebecca shot back.
“-However, tipped off by the project supervisor, Doctor Fairchild, she chose to flee from SEELE. A fugitive, she searched for the one-armed man while being perused relentlessly by inspector Zengiata. Realizing that she wasn’t safe in North America, she headed to France, which is a suburb of London-”
“Well, that was in the fic.” Dan admitted.
“Which doesn’t actually clear up a thing.” Tsuneo added.
“-Tipped off by a member of Prime Minister Saxon’s cabinet, Keel Lorenz sent his Death Commandos to pursue her. They chased her to Dover where, once confronted by Keel Lorenz, Tamara chose to commit suicide by jumping off a cliff-”
“Barring the embellishments, that last chunk actually follows the fic.” Rebecca noted. “Which makes me worry where he’s going next.”
“There is something that bothers me, however…” Tsuneo pondered.
“-John was born three months later-“
“That was it.”
“-in the hospital wing of St. Custard’s where he was taken to after his mother handed him to Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy-“
“Wait, what?” Tsuneo blinked. “Great, this is getting dumb again.”
“-who looked after him until he was adopted by Captain Picard, who kept him under the stairs in a hatbox. His only companionship was an advanced artificial intelligence designed to simulate human behaviour and interactivity, code-named SEAN-”
“Sean being a robot actually makes sense in a bizarre way.” Rebecca noted. “It’s not like he has any actual personality.”
“I have a feeling he’ll never be seen again.” Dan added. “Or even mentioned.”
“What’s so interesting about him anyway?” Tsuneo asked. “It’s a minor, one-note character in Delta, like Tom’s friend Mike, somebody who exists for no reason other than a fumbled attempt at character development.”
“True that, but a part of me feels that he’ll come back to bite us in the bum.” Rebecca noted. “Like… I don’t know. He’s going to come back to the fic in some stupid way that will manage to surprise us.”
“Everything in Delta’s stupid.” Tsuneo countered.
“Stupid by Delta standards.” Rebecca commented. “Like, the whole of chapter four was.”
“That’s harsh.” Dan shook his head. “Nothing’s that dumb. Not even Rick’s presentation.”
“-duplicate from the bad future where he fights the robot overlords-” Rick continued.
“Never mind.” Dan muttered.
“-This is what bought him to the attention of Ritsuko Akagi.” Rick didn’t seem to have even noticed that the others were talking. “At the time, she was at MIT, majoring in Tampering in God’s domain with a minor in Unreasonable Physics. She was researching the Gowa methodology of contacting extra-dimensional entities-“
> It’s been about a month and a half since the Blitz Team has entered Class S. So far they have been > winning every battle that comes their way. That’s why I want to join them.
Dan: I want to mooch cash and booze off them.
> It’s a calm day at the Blitz Teams base. Somewhat. Dr. Toros was busy playing with his Zoids. Brad > and
> Jamie where watching the Zoids battle News. And as usual, Bit was being chased by Leena over > the food he’s stolen.
Rebecca: Ah, a lovely morning in fanfic cliché land.
> That all changed when the Doc looked out his window and saw something approaching the base.
Rick: It had the body of a wolf, the head of an Internet Celebrity, the legs of a Chinese swimmer, the arms of a Dingo and long green tentacles that sting. Tsuneo: Call the exterminator, we’ve got Invadors.
> Dr. Toros went around and got everyone (which was a little harder then > expected when he tried to get Bit and Leena).
Dan: Time to round up them doggies.
> “Who do ya’ think it could be?”
Rick: The *Watch your language!* Batman?
> Leena asked after everyone was there.
Rebecca: [Leena] And where did oi git dis eccent from?
> “I don’t know, I’m pretty sure the Backdraft group disbanded after I beat the Berserk Fury.”
Rebecca: Well, we lost a match. [Pause] Guess it’s time to call it a day.
> “Bit’s right, Doc see you can get a fix on whatever is coming.”
Tsuneo: Given that it’s just outside the window, that might be redundant at this point.
> “Right Jamie.”
> Doc brought a picture of the approaching figure on the screen. > “It’s a Zoid...”
Rebecca: A Zoid? On Planet Zi? In a Zoid Fic? What a shocking development! Rick: I expected a Starrior.
> “The Berserk Fury?” asked Bit.
Dan: Or its lesser-known cousin, the Moderately Angry Fury.
> “No, something else, lemmie’ see...IT’S A DARK SPINER!!!”
Rebecca: Indoor voice, guys.
> “What’s a Dark Spiner Dad?”
Tsuneo: Data’s duplicate from the Mirror Universe?
> “It’s an older Zoid. Came out at the end of the last war. There very rare.
Rick: If you call “Epicly shelfwarming in every market it was released in” rare, then yeah, I guess it is.
> It’s a larger Zoid. Very powerful.”
Tsuneo: Well that tells us exactly nothing. Rebecca: Maybe it’s a 2-iron. Tsuneo: Oooh, good one there.
> “Well lets see how powerful it really is!”
Dan: It has the power of a thousand bottles of prune juice.
> “Right with you Bit.” > “You guys aren’t leaving without me!” > “Brad, Bit , Leena wait for me!!”
Rick: And Zoidberg! Get it, Zoid-berg? Dan: You’re dead to me.
> “I’ll get the Hover Cargo ready.” Doc called after.
> “WEASEL UNIT TOTAL ASSAULT!!!!!!!!!!” Leena shouted as soon as the Spiner came within range.
Rebecca: Unprovoked attack on an unknown intruder that hasn’t made a single hostile action so far? Sounds like an excellent plan to me.
> The Spiner dodged the assault easily.
Rick: In so far as “sky filled with lasers, missiles and explosive shells” is something you can dodge…
> “Wait!!! I want to ask you guys something!!!” said a voice over the com.
Dan: How do I get to the No Holds Barred tournament? I’m late for my match with Mad Max!
> “We don’t care you Backdraft loser.”
Tsuneo: They’re kind of jumping to conclusions about this guy, aren’t they? Dan: Naw, they just don’t like William Baldwin. Rick: Well who does?
> The Shadow Fox, Gun Sniper, and Raynos fired at the same time, barely hitting it as it ran.
Tsuneo: Is that a faint aroma of cheese I detect?
> “Look’s like it’s going to be the hard way...” came the voice over the com again.
Rick: Voice? You doing guest spots now? Voice: Not me, I assure you. Rebecca: Suuuuure it isn’t.
> The Spiner charged and everyone got ready to fight. As the Raynos dived in for an attack the guns on > the Spiner’s shoulders took aim and fired. The Raynos was down.
Rick [Jamie]: Bitches shot my Raynos!
> “Why am I always the first one to go down???” yelled Jamie.
Rebecca: Because fanfic clichés say so?
> The Spiner’s next target was the Fox.
Tsuneo: Boggins, Bunce and Bean had finally gone too far.
> “Bit, Leena, while I’ve got this thing chasing me try and take it down.” > “Right.” > “Got it.”
Rick: Okay. Dan: Okay! Rick: Sure. Dan: Whatever? Rick: What’s going on anyway? Dan: I have no idea.
> In the Hover Cargo, Doc watched as the Spiner easily dodged all the team’s assaults.
Tsuneo: Shoot, dodge, shoot, dodge… Is that all there’s going to be in these fights? Rebecca: Probably liberally spiced with walking over canon characters.
> “A Dark Spiner isn’t supposed to be that fast,
Rick: In so far as running over two hundred kilometers an hour isn’t fast, I guess. Tsuneo: Say, how do you know so much about this stuff? Rick: You write essays about complex shows that deconstruct genres and man’s relationship with the almighty. I edit wikis about plastic toy dinosaurs. Tsuneo: Fair enough then.
> I wonder...”
Rick: -What is the capitol of Andorra?
> “Guys, a little help over here.” > “We’re trying Brad, but that Zoid is just too fast.” > Seconds later the Spiner jumped onto the Fox and took it down.
Rebecca: Like a dash of rosemary.
> “NOOOO!!!!” shouted Brad.
Rick: The part of Brad Hunter will be played by Mr Pe. Dan: Cameo in a bad fanfic? Very, very noooooooooooo!
> “Your mine,
Tsuneo: Who’s mine? Rebecca: Enemy Mine. The Dark Spiner’s piloted by a heavily made-up Louis Gosset Jr.
> Weasel Unit Total Assault!!!” > “What?!?! he dodged it again?”
Rebecca: This is looking suspiciously like an RPG fight, with a cheesemonkey who manages to magically avoid everything that’s thrown at him while taking nothing in reply. Tsuneo: While we’re on the topic, how do you know so much about online RP? Rebecca: It’s amazing what you can learn about a world by sniffing through its interwebs.
> “Leena watch out!!!” > The Spiner had let lose a barrage that downed the Gun Sniper.
Rick: Should probably be pissed at stomping on a canon character, but it’s not like beating Leena’s much of an accomplishment. Rebecca: Should probably be pissed at stomping on a female character, but you’re right.
> The Spiner stopped a short distance > from the Liger Zero and turned to face it. > “Now will you guys listen to me?” the voice asked.
Tsuneo: Now that I’ve effortlessly beaten you all up, can I get a word in edgeways?
> “Yeah, sure what else have we got to lose?”
Dan: Certainly not your dignity.
> “The battle.” > “OTHER THAN THAT!!!!!”
Tsuneo: Your capslock key?
> “Now what do you want?” > “First off, I’m not with the Backdraft group remnants.”
Rick: I don’t have any evil plans. Tsuneo: Well, he could have kept up his effortlessly avoiding everything they threw at him and tried to explain matters rather than stomping them all flat. Just saying.
> “That’s a good thing, now what’s your name and what did you want to ask us?” > “My name’s Kevin, and I came to ask if I could Join the Blitz Team.”
Rick [Yo-Yo Man]: I want to join your team! Dan [Axe Cop]: We’ll have to have tryouts first.
Post by Deadborder on Nov 14, 2013 23:52:38 GMT -5
> ___________________________________________________ > The Dark Spiner - Part II (The First Day)
Dan: That’s the Schwarzenegger film where he’s cloned, right? Rick: No, that’s the Sixth Day. Dan: So it’s the one where he’s fighting an invisible monster in the jungle? Rick: No, that’s Predator, and I think you’re kind of missing the point here. Dan: So it’s the one where he’s Danny DeVito’s brother? Rick: That’s Twins, and it’s nothing to do with the line. Dan: The one where he’s playing an entirely different barbarian king to the one he already played? Rick: …where exactly are you going with this?
> By: Dark Spiner > ___________________________________________________
> Later that afternoon, everyone had gathered in the living room of the Toros base, including Kevin. > “Your Zoid is amazing, where’d you get it??”
Rick: Clearance shelf at Toys R Us. There’s zillions of them.
> “Actually Doc, I didn’t buy Spiner, I found him.”
Dan: The giant robot dinosaur followed me home. Can I keep it?
> “Him?” everyone asked in unison. > “Um...yeah, Spiner kind of has a personality of his own.”
Rick: Think that Bit has forgotten that he talks to his Zoid all the time? Rebecca: This is Bit we’re talking about. It’s about the only thing that hasn’t slipped his mind.
> “Kevin, when was the last time your Zoid was in for a tune up?”
Tsuneo [Kevin]: March. 1975. Why?
> “About a few weeks ago, why?” > “Was there a black box that couldn’t be scanned?”
Rick: It belongs to some guy called Laplace.
“Actually, yeah there was, why is that important?”
Rebecca [Whispered]: He hasn’t found the bomb yet. Dan [Whispered]: Keep him busy.
> “An Ultimate X...” the Doc trailed off. > “SO THAT’S WHY YOUR ZOID WAS SO GOOD!!!!”
Dan: Capslock is a power-up! I knew it!
> “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell is an Ultimate X?”
Tsuneo: At a guess, I’d say an improbable, one-of-a-kind high-tech craft blown up in an unsuccessful attempt to stop Godzilla
> “An Ultimate X is a Zoid that was permanently bonded to an organoid system, making it smarter, > stronger, and faster than a normal Zoid.
Rebecca: Olympic officials have been conducting random Organoid System tests following the big scandal at the Pogata games. Rick: Bad? Rebecca: They had to send the entire Neo-Blox team home.
> When did you get your Dark Spiner?” > “Not long after my first Zoid was heavily damaged in a battle against some Saber Tigers.”
Tsuneo: Most of that was faking the injury for the referee and the cameras.
> “The Zabers team?” > “No, not them.”
Rick: So some Z2 Sabers? Dan: No, not them. Rick: Greatsabers? Dan: No, not them either. Rick: Holotech Zaber Fangs? Dan: You’re kind of missing the point…
> “It must have lost it’s pilot and bonded with the system in that time it was roaming free...”
Rebecca: So if Kevin’s Dark Spiner is a Wandering Monster… let’s kill it and take its stuff!
> “Kevin, your on the team!!!” exclaimed Doc.
Tsuneo: Because letting a total stranger just walk into the team after he beat the rest of you up for no real reason is such a good idea, especially when you have a past bad history with other random strangers trying to steal your stuff. Rick: Well yeah! But why let that get in his way?
> “That’s two Ultimate X Zoids, now we’ll be unstoppable!” Leena exclaimed. > “Right...now Doc, I double as a mechanic if you want.”
Rebecca: He’s also a four-star chef, has a degree in quantum physics and has the second best Kobyashi Maru time ever.
> “That’d be great Kevin! Now hopefully the Zoids won’t need to be taken for a tune up as often!”
Tsuneo: [Doc] Because we’re a top-ranked team that doesn’t have a mechanic yet!
> “Good, I’ll start on the Zoids in a little while.” > The phone rang.
Dan: Is this going to be Ritsuko telling us what we already know?
> “I got it.” > “Uh oh” everyone says.
Tsuneo: I suppose this would make sense if we knew who was talking. Rick: It’s the “I” subset of the general set of “everybody”
> “Hello, Toros base, who is it?”
Dan [Deep]: Bring Back My Ghost
> “Huh, who is this?” came the voice form the other end. > “My name’s Kevin, I just joined the Blitz team.”
Rick [Kevin]: Haven’t you ever heard of me? A champion of the self-insert, a hero to the Gary Stu? Dan [Magmar]: No, I’ve never heard of you. Now what do you want?
> “You’re not after my Leena are you???” > “Why would I be after Leena?”
Rick: I mean, the aftermarket value is pretty low, even if she is still on card. Really only one for the fussy completeists.
> A dial tone sounds from the other end.
Dan: [Kevin] Every time…
> “Whatever, guess I’ll go get started on the Zoids.”
Tsuneo: Yes! Let the total stranger mess with your machines, especially the unique one that the bad guys have tried to steal on multiple occasions. Rebecca: There’s a line between ‘trusting’ and ‘pants on head stupid’, and these guys are way, way over it.
> Kevin was busy helping Jamie with his Raynos
Dan [Kevin]: Wow, look at the holes in this thing! Someone did a real number on it. Rick [Jamie]: That was you. Dan [Kevin]: Oh yeah! I’m just that awesome!
> when they heard a roaring noise.
Dan: Oh no! I hear a Mountain Lion!
> “Leena, where are you? And where’s that Kevin guy?”
Rebecca: Lurking on the back benches, plotting his next ultimate revenge.
> comes a voice from the hanger entrance. > “You lookin’ for me?” called Kevin from on top of the Raynos. > “Hey Harry, have you met our newest team member yet?”
Rick: Give that he only joined a few… minutes ago, I’d be surprised. Tsuneo: You watch, pretty soon we’ll find out that everyone on the planet knows who Kevin is.
> “No Leena darling, not yet.” > “What’s with this guy?” Kevin asks Jamie.
Dan: He is what is colloquially referred to as a ‘butt monkey’.
> “That’s Harry Champ..” > “Oh..”
Rebecca: You know, incredibly rich celebrity Zoid pilot, has a massive collection, was in the Royal Cup… you’d have to be a complete moron not to know who he is. Dan: So… Kevin then.
> “Come down here you, I want to talk to you!” > “Alright, hang on.” > “Who are you?”
Tsuneo: I ask that with every line of dialogue.
> “Harry meet Kevin...Kevin...what’s your last name?”
Rebecca: Just to reiterate, they let him into their team and let him mess around with their equipment and they don’t even know his last name. Not what we call ‘smart’, people.
> “Batterson, with a b.” > “Alright, Harry this is Kevin Batterson.”
Rick: Star of such films as “Barry Trotter and the Chalice of Flame”, the “Dim Light” series and “Water for Malayan Tapirs”
> “And you are?”
Dan: The Lizard King! Rick: He can do anything.
> “My name’s Harry Champ, I’m a man destined to be a king.”
Rebecca: He is heir to the throne of Essex.
Tsuneo [Kevin]: Backing away slowly here.
> “Now why are you after my Leena?”
Rebecca: Because she’s the lead female character and thus has to be his love interest.
> “I’m not, I just got here earlier today. I work as a warrior and as the mechanic. I don’t really know > anyone well yet.”
Rick: He’s been practicing that speech for the inevitable police interview.
> “You do think I look good though, don’t you Kevin?” Leena says as she poses.
Dan [Jamie, muttered]: Agree with her or we all die horribly.
> “Well, yeah, it’s kind of hard to miss that you don’t look good.”
Rebecca: I think he just insulted her. Think. Rick [Leena]: What, you dare inadvertently insult the great Leena Toros? TOGG! Tsuneo: Thing is, I think that actually works better for her. Rick: You reckon? Hmm…
> “HEY!!! You leave my Leena alone!!”
Dan: Get your own Leena.
> “I’m not yours Harry.”
Rick: No matter what the paternity test said.
> “Whatever, I’m gonna’ go back and help Jamie with the Raynos.” > “Ok Kevin.”
Rebecca: This feels less like people talking than two guys in separate recording booths shouting at the mike.
> “Leena, honey, you don’t mind if I stay for awhile do ya’?” > “No, I guess not Harry.”
Dan: You say that now, but next thing you know, he’s been living at your place and sleeping on your couch for the last six months. Rebecca: Reminding you of someone? Dan: It’s my preferred method of accommodation.
> Later, “So how did your first meeting with the “King” go Kevin?” asked Bit. > “Ok, I guess. He’s a little odd.”
Rick [Kevin]: He offered me a deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.
> “Get used to him, he comes by and calls a lot.” Brad said as he walked in the room.
Tsuneo: I guess the restraining order didn’t work out.
> “Right...” > Kevin played Jamie in Chess
Dan [Kevin]: So when the Horsie- Rick [Jamie]: Knight- Dan [Kevin]: -Gets to the other end, you can king it, right? Rick [Jamie]: That’s the wrong game. Dan [Kevin]: Oh. [Mimes moving a piece] Ha! I sunk your battleship!
> while everyone else watched TV.
Tsuneo: Ironically, it was the chess channel.
> “Your not bad Kevin.” > “Thanks, oh and ah, checkmate.” > “HUH???”
Rebecca: So he’s already beaten the Blitz team in every way he can think of. I can’t wait till we get to an actual battle so he can really cut loose and walk all over everyone.
> “Goodnight everyone.” > “Goodnight Kevin.” everyone said. > “So, Dad, how well do you think Kevin will fit in?”
Rick [Doc Toros]: I have no doubt that pretty soon he’ll be controlling our lives and dictating our every action.
> “BIT, GIVE THAT BACK OR I’LL TEAR YOUR ARM OFF!!!!!!!” > “I think he’ll fit in just fine.”
> The next morning, everyone was in the kitchen getting something to eat. With the exception of Bit and > Kevin. Everyone else has started eating when Bit walks in.
Rick: [Bit] Listen up everyone. It looks like this fic has too many cues and not enough action.
> “Man, I nearly got away from Kevin with my life. He’s meaner than you Leena, when you steal > something from him that is.” > “It’s to early Bit, don’t start.” Kevin says as he walks in.
Rebecca [Bit]: You got started pretty early, snugglebunny. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] Oh come on! Tsuneo: I did that because it was too easy. Rebecca: Fair enough.
> “Aren’t we Mr. Sunshine this morning.”
Dan: So put down that creepy voodoo doll, okay?
> “I said don’t start Bit, I’m not a morning person.” > “I told you he’d fit in well.”
Tsuneo: In what way? How has a single thing that Kevin’s done so far suggested that he’d fit in with the team?
> Once Kevin was done eating he went to look at the Bath schedule. > “Good, I’m first.” he mumbled. > Kevin walked in to shower.
Rebecca: Only to find Norman Bates already there.
> “BIT!!!!!!!!!” > “What?”
Dan: I have no idea. I just like shouting people’s names. Tsuneo: Some descriptive text would help. Hell, anything apart from people randomly shouting at each other would probably help too.
> “Don’t you read the damned schedule?” > “I don’t usually.”
Rick: Bit just generally wanders around and does whatever strikes his fancy. That’s how he won the Nobel Prize for physics.
> “Well you better start, because if you would bother to look at it, I got first dibs on the bath.” > “Right sorry, it’s all yours.”
Tsuneo: I don’t know if I’d rather this was a bad setup or an utter waste of time.
> Bit ran away from the bath as fast as he could.
Tsuneo: For the rest of his life, Bit Cloud would be haunted by what he saw. Rick [Bit]: His back… so hairy… and it got harier the further down you went…
> “Man, if I’m not careful, I’m gonna have to watch out for Kevin and Leena.” > “We all heard Bit.” said Brad.
Rebecca: This is pure comedy gold… tailings, washed downstream from a dubiously run mine and polluting the water table.
> The Dark Spiner - Part III (Kevin vs The Champ Team)
Rick: Stock Zoids fic cliché number seventy: the obligatory fight against the Champ Team.
> By: Dark Spiner > ___________________________________________________
> Kevin had arrived at the Toros base yesterday, and so far everything was going ok. Well it was going > ok.
Tsuneo: It was going okay except when it was going okay.
> “LEENA” came Harry’s voice from the hanger entrance.
Rick: It’s our whacky neighbor, Harry Champ!
[They all laugh unconvincingly]
> Kevin was startled be Harry’s voice and accidentally hit his head on the underside of one of the Gun > Sniper’s Vulcan guns.
[They all laugh unconvincingly]
Dan: Oh that Harry and his hijinks!
> “OWWW!!!” > Kevin got off the Gun Sniper and walked over to Harry. >“Harry, why are you here?” he asked while rubbing the back of his head.
Rick [Harry]: I have been pondering that myself for some time now. I suppose the first big philosophical issue to consider would be the existence of an almighty supreme being and, if they do exist, then consider if they have some greater plan for us.
> “I came to see Leena.” > “Well next time, don’t yell when you come into the hanger. The Gun Sniper’s weapons aren’t exactly > soft.”
Rebecca: To his shame, Kevin knows a lot about soft weapons. Rick: So he’s into Nerf guns? Rebecca: ...sure. We’ll go with that.
> “Fine, HEY WHY WERE YOU ON LEENA’S GUN SNIPER!?!?!?” > “I double as a mechanic remember? I told you yesterday.” > “Oh, yeah, sorry.”
Rebecca [Leena]: So why were you naked and the Sniper covered in baby oil? Dan [Kevin]: It’s for… special maintenance. Yeah. Special.
> “Fine, I was done anyway.” > “So, where’s Leena?”
Rick: She’s right next to Mankirk’s wife.
> “Follow me.”
Dan: No no, it’s like this. You say “Walk this way,” then he says “If I could walk this way…” Rebecca: Then you get an armrest imbedded in your spine. Dan: See, classic.
> Kevin took Harry to the living room of the Toros base and they found Leena watching TV.
Rebecca [Leena]: Hey Kev, this true crime stuff is awesome! They have ways to hide the bodies that I’d never even thought of.
>“Yo, Leena, you’ve got company.” > “Well, who is it?”
Tsuneo: Between the paper-thin characterization and the stilted dialogue, I have no idea who anyone is.
> “Hi, honey!” > “Oh, Harry, it’s just you.” > Leena turns around and goes back to watching TV.
Dan: Think anyone should tell her that it’s just a test pattern? Rick: Shhh. She wants to know how it ends.
> “But aren’t you happy to see me?” > “No not really.”
Rebecca: So that really is a gun in your pocket, huh? Guess I’ll start backing away slowly…
> “Same goes for me, Harry.” > “WHAT???”
Rick: Multiple question marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind.
> “You don’t think I’m good enough to have around don’t you?” > “Yup” Kevin shot back.
Tsuneo: Ah that Kevin, basing his entire opinion of a man’s worth by the briefest of acquaintances.
> “FINE! I challenge the Blitz Team to a battle!”
Dan [Kevin]: Name your weapon! Tsuneo [Harry]: Grammar and punctuation. Dan [Kevin]: You fiend!
> “What’s the point? Your only in class B.”
Dan: It’s what the bookers refer to as ‘filler’. Rick: Then, they’ll be on the segment before Tom’s weekly Invador fight.
> “I’ll pay triple the normal amount of prize money.”
Rebecca: And as a bonus, this free set of steak knives. Rick: The loser and his team will fly home on the city of Denver.
> “You know what Harry, I’ll take on your entire team by myself.” Kevin told Harry. > “Your kidding, right? One Zoid against three?” > “Yup” > “Ok, but your not going to win.”
Dan: Given that he’s already won at four on one against the alleged protagonists, I don’t see how this is going to be even a remote challenge. Rick: See, there’s this thing called narrative tension, which comes from the audience not knowing what’s going to happen next. For example, if there’s a fight, we don’t know who will win or how. Dan: Yeah, I got that. Your point? Rick: Big Kev here has never heard of it.
> “We’ll see about that.” Kevin mumbled. > “What kind of Zoid do you pilot anyway Kevin?”
Rick: A Tequilla Gunner!
> “Go to the hanger and look for the biggest Zoid.”
Rebecca: Mecha Pavarotti!
> Harry, Leena, and Kevin walk into the hanger.
Dan: [Groucho Marx] The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
> “THAT’S YOUR ZOID???” > “Yup”
Rick [Harry]: I mean, it’s so doofy looking… and what is that, a duck’s bill? And that silly, toothpaste-green colour… and the fins… It’s like a toy designer saw Jurassic Park 3, got hopped up on mothballs and got to work. Dan [Kevin, crying]: But… I like it…
> “I’ve never seen a Zoid like this before. What is it?” > “It’s a Dark Spiner Spinosaurus type.
Rick: I was hoping it’d be a Killer Spiner myself. Tsuneo: Any reason? Rick: So then he’d have to say ‘Spinosaurus-Crab Type’ Tsuneo: Good point.
> A very rare Zoid. I’m one of the few people who have one.”
Rebecca: And one of the even fewer who didn’t try to hawk it on E-bay afterwards.
> “It may look mean,
Rick: It doesn’t
> but you won’t win.”
Dan [Elrond]: You don’t have enough men.
> “Whatever” > “Tomorrow at 1:30 then?” > “Agreed.” > Harry leaves as fast as he can to prep for the battle.
Rick: Getting while the getting’s good.
> Kevin and Leena walk back to the living room and see Bit and Jamie watching TV. > “What was that all about?”
Rebecca: Frankly, I have no idea.
> “Kevin plans on battling the entire Champ Team by himself Bit.” > “Why?”
Tsuneo: At a guess, to show off how awesome he is by walking all over the canon cast on his own.
> “To show him I’m not a push over like he thinks I am.”
Rick: And then Leena just pushes him over for fun.
> “Don’t be to hard on him Kevin.” Brad says as he entered the room. > “And I thought Doc would be the one to spoil my fun.”
Tsuneo: Haha! Beating up on people is funny!
> “How much prize money will we get.”
Rick: Ying Tong Iddle I Po and sixpence!
> “He’s paying--” > “Triple the normal amount.” Leena interrupted.
Rick: Though, strangely, he’s paying it in used bus tickets.
> “Not bad.”
> The next day, both teams met at the designated battle field.
Dan: In the blind alley behind the 7-11.
> “This is where we battled Harry the first time isn’t it Leena?” > “Your right Bit, it is. Harry must think the Dark Spiner’s size will put it at a disadvantage.”
Rebecca: Over the giant gorilla or styracosaurus, you mean. Rick: Yeah but, Harry can do a good three point turn and parallel park. That counts.
> “Well, he wrong.”
Tsuneo: Well you grammar wronger.
> “Why is that Kevin?” > “Despite it’s size, the Spiner is very fast and agile.”
Dan [Kevin]: Did I tell you about how awesome my Zoid is? Rick: Yes, Kevin. Dan [Kevin]: Oh. Hey, could you tell me about how awesome my Zoid is instead?
> “I didn’t think you’d show up.”
Rebecca: Especially after he sent Kevin those laxative brownies
> “Don’t flatter your self Harry.” > “What’s that supposed to mean!?!?!?” > “Never mind, the judge is here.”
Tsuneo: Conversation! Learn about it!
> “The area within a 20 mile radius is now a restricted area. All others leave now.” > “Battle mode 0973.
Dan: 0973? But where are we going to get a Rabbi at such short notice?
> Ready fight!”
> The Champ team charged into the battlefield, while the Spiner walked in.
Tsuneo: I’m cheering for Harry. Rick: Any reason? Tsuneo: None at all. But then, there’s no reason for anything in this fic.
> “Afraid Kevin?”
Rebecca: The only thing Kevin fears is prose.
> “No, just giving you a head start. I want some of a challenge.”
Rick: They’re giving it out in individually wrapped portions.
> “You’ll regret that!” > “Not likely.”
Tsuneo: Kevin would later regret that statement when Harry Champ took the last parking space left in the whole city.
> “Benjamin, Sebastian, you guys see anything yet?” > “Nothing to report.” > “Same here.” > “He’s around here some where.”
Dan: Kevin in the meantime was bashing his Spiner’s head into the arena wall repeatedly while trying to remember how to get it into second.
> Little did they know, the Spiner could easily pick them off from it’s position on top of one of the > buildings.
Rebecca [Fake British]: Little did he know that this, simple, seemingly innocuous act would result in his imminent death.
> “Pathetic, I’ve seen warriors in Class C who could have found me by now.”
Rick: Yeah, but using Ten-Eyed Man as a measure isn’t exactly fair.
> Kevin dropped from his perch and landed behind Benjamin’s Stealth Viper.
Rick [Kevin]: I am… Bat-Spiner!
> “So there you are! I have you now!” > “You wish tin man.” > “WHAT’D YOU JUST CALL ME!” > “A tin man.”
Rick [Benjamin]: Homophobe! Dan [Kevin]: Wait… what? Rick [Benjamin]: I bet you wouldn’t talk to a straight robot like that!
> At that, the Viper’s head lowered and Benjamin fired the Viper’s heavy beam cannon. Kevin dodged it > easily. > “Is that all you’ve got?” Kevin asked as he shot the Viper down.
Rebecca [Bored]: Well that was a tense and gripping battle.
> Leon an Naomi happened to be watching the battle at a cafe. > “Who’s the new guy with the Blitz Team, and what’s he piloting Leon?” > “His names Kevin. The Zoid he’s piloting is a Dark Spiner.”
Dan: Just in case you had missed it the last 4,691 times…
> “You checked this guy’s back round, didn’t ya?”
Dan: He checked his front round too.
> “Yeah, after Leena told me about him yesterday.” > “How longs he been with the team?” > “Two days. Kevin’s no push over either. He’s one of the best Zoid pilots around.”
Tsuneo: Kevin’s the best Zoid pilot in Equatorial Guinea. Rick: Only for land Zoids. Eric The Eel could beat the pants off of him in a Wardick.
> “So I see. He’s already on the Heldigunner’s tail after taking out the Stealth Viper.” > “You’ve heard of ‘The Hunter’, right?” > “Who hasn’t?”
Rick: So he’s that Veritech pilot who hangs around with Roy, right? Rebecca: That’s Rick Hunter. Rick: So he’s a recolour of the 1982 Cobra Officer who drives a tank? Rebecca: That’s The Hunter, but you get points for obscurity. Rick: So he’s Jackie Chan dressed up as Chun-Li? Rebecca: That’s City Hunter, as well as being a strangely disturbing yet fascinating mental image. Rick: So he’s a World of Warcraft ranged DPS and pet class? Rebecca: No, that’s the Hunter class. Rick: So he’s a 1960s British jet fighter? Rebecca: That’s the Hawker Hunter, and now you’re not even trying. Rick: So he’s Brad Hunter, the Blitz Team member with the Command Wolf? Rebecca [Sighs]: Yes, Rick. Brad and Kevin are the same person. Rick: I knew it!
Tsuneo: So wait, Kevin’s some world-famous Zoid pilot? Why the hell then didn’t he mention that earlier rather than beating the snot out of the Blitz Team for no reason? Rick: Two theories. Tsuneo: This will be good. Rick: Theory one: Kevin didn’t want to rely on his fame, and rather wanted a measure of this team. Tsuneo: Weak at best. Walking up to total strangers and getting in a fight with them doesn’t endear yourself. Rick: Which brings me to theory two: The authour made it up just then to make Big Kev more awesome. Tsuneo: I can buy that.
> “Then the champ team has already lost.”
Dan [Kenshiro]: You are already dead
> “That’s two down and one to go.” Kevin said as the Spiner walked away from the Heldigunner. > “Keep going, a little farther...” Harry was mumbling to himself.
Rick [Elmer Fudd]: Be vewy, vewy quiet. I’m hunting Dark Spiners.
> The Spiner didn’t round the corner like Harry had expected it to, it had jumped onto the far wall and > bounced off towards Harry and his Dark Horn. > “AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!” yelled Harry as the Dark Horn tumbled end over end. once Harry regained > balance the Dark Horn ran as fast as it could.
Tsuneo: I get the feeling that we missed several lines of description there. More to the point, I get the feeling that I don’t care.
> “I don’t think so.” Said Kevin, rounding the corner of the direction Harry was going. > Harry couldn’t go anywhere, so the Dark Horn got blasted by the Spiner’s guns. > “Command system freeze.....oohhhh.” > “Looks like I win Harry.”
Rebecca: Congratulations, Kevin. You just proved you’re a big man through the local equivalent of beating up the special needs kid. Rick: Jaina Solo would be so proud.
> Back at the cafe.... > “Well, that was quick, I didn’t expect Kevin to finish them off that fast.”
Rebecca: Everything Kevin does tends to be over rather quickly. Disappointingly so in many cases.
> “I agree Leon. Come on, lets go.” > “Comin.” > “Remember Harry, you owe us three times the normal amount of prize money!” Kevin yelled as Harry > was leaving.
Rick: Oh Kevin, you are such an unlikeable jerk!
> “Man Kevin, you are good. It took you just 5 minutes to beat the Champ team.” > “Thanks Leena. You had any doubts?” > “For Harry, but not for you.”
Tsuneo: Yes, Kevin is awesome and amazing and unbeatable and all that. Yay. Rick: Yeah, and I suspect that’s all we’ll get from the fic from now on.
Rebecca: This is like watching the fighters line up against Tom in Delta 4, only without the suspense. Dan: The suspense of seeing who would win? Rebecca: No, the suspense of seeing what doofy name the next one would have.
> By: Dark Spiner > ___________________________________________________
Tsuneo: So he identifies more with the plastic kit then his own character? Rick: I think ‘character’ is a bit of a strong term to throw around here. More like ‘prop,’ or ‘wooden dummy.’
> It’s been about a week and a half since Kevin massacred the Champ Team and everything has been > going smoothly.
Dan: Mango and banana smoothly.
> Harry hasn’t been around, and an official battle is being prepared for. The battle is with > the Lighting team.
Rick: Black Lightning and Static teamed up? Cool.
> “Are all the Zoids loaded on the Hover Cargo?” > “Zoids are loaded on the Hover Cargo with full stocks of ammunition Doc.” > “Good Kevin. Lets get going.”
Dan [Doc]: This will be the best class reunion ever!
> “You are Bit.” > “WHAT? WHY DO I HAVE TO SIT THIS ONE OUT???”
Rebecca: It’s a penalty. Sent off for excessive capitalization.
> “Because I want to send Kevin in instead. No offense Bit, but Kevin showed us he was good, but I want > to see how good he really is.”
Tsuneo: Translation: Another opportunity for Big Kev to show off how awesome he is.
> “Alright.” > “Where is Kevin anyway?” asked Leena.
Rebecca [Leena]: I mean, I certainly haven’t seen him since I dumped his mutilated corpse… I mean, since breakfast. Totally breakfast.
> “He’s in watching all the battles that the Lightning team where in.”
Rick: Including Jack Sisko’s run at a hot-dog eating competition. Dan: I’d like to see the Taskers eating pie myself [Rebecca his him with a cushion]
> “You know, I’m surprised they could even challenge us.” > “They’re only one rank below us, so it’s allowed.”
Tsuneo: However, with the way the betting system works, the Blitz Team are only allowed to use one Zoid and are only armed with harsh language.
> “Are you ready for the battle Kevin?” > “Don’t know Jamie...” > “HUH???”
Rebecca: Wow, that is confused.
> “Spiner and I are good, but the Lightning Saix speed could be a problem.”
Dan: Nothing can catch it; not even a rocket-propelled Coyote Zoid.
> “But you’ve got an Ultimate X, you shouldn’t worry that much.”
Rick: The plot is on his side. Rebecca: That logic was used throughout Guardian Force. Rick: See? Nothing to worry about.
> “I’d expect to here something like that coming from Bit.” > “Guess your right.” > “It doesn’t matter, we’ll still probably win.”
Rick: They hired James Nguyen as a dialogue editor. He really punched up the script.
> “This area is now restricted. All others leave the area.” > “Battle mode 0982.”
Dan: 0982? Damn it, I guess we all have to put frocks on.
> “Ready, FIGHT!!!”
Rick: [Judge] Or, y’know… Not. I’m easy.
> “Brad, Leena, break off and give them a reason not to stay together.”
Rebecca: Leena spread around rumours of Jack Sisko’s infidelities
> “Right” > “Gottcha”
Rick: Check. Dan: Affirmative. Rebecca: Understood. Tsuneo: And out!
> The Saix stayed together despite what the Blitz Team did.
Rick: Even when they wore a clown suit, rode a unicycle and juggled chainsaws, it didn’t get a reaction.
> “Not good...” Kevin mumbled.
Tsuneo [Kevin]: They’re not standing still and letting me kill them like everyone else. Tricky.
> “Stay with me you two, we’ll hit the Dark Spiner last. Lets get the Gun Sniper first.”
Dan: Why are they trying to kill their own team? Rebecca: I think this is meant to be the Lightning Team… not that we have even the vaguest hint of narration to support it.
> “Got it Jack.” said Chris. > “Right” said
> Kelly. > “It didn’t work Kevin.”
Rick: You just can’t strike a match on a bar of soap.
> “I noticed Leena. Brad, shoot in front of them so they run into your shots.”
Rebecca: You know, the very basics of aiming at moving targets…
> “How far?” > “A good distance in front.”
Tsuneo: Well that’s precise planning. Rick: Worked for us, buddy. Tsuneo: Well, this is true. Though we were usually a little less sloppy then that.
> The Fox and Spiner fired well in front of the Saix, but they still avoided it.
Rebecca: Kevin had not seen that many natural ones in ages.
> “What?!?! I didn’t think they’d be able to use each others slip stream’s if we did that.” > “Apparently they can.”
Tsuneo: I have no idea what happened given the lack of description, but I suspect that grotesque violation of the laws of physics were involved.
> “GUYS.....a little help!!!” > “We’re comin’ Leena.” > “To late.” said Jack. > “Nooooo...”
Dan: Oh no! Stuff happened!
> “BRAD, USE YOUR SMOKESCREEN!” > “Got it.” > The Fox and Spiner disappeared behind a cloud of smoke.
Rick [Bane]: Your tricks will work against the uninitiated, Mister Wayne. But I am the League of Shadows!
> “You two better get them for me.” > “No prob Leena.”
Dan: It’s two-on-three after Leena was defeated by unspecified transition. Tsuneo: Wait, what about Jamie? Rick: Is Jamie actually in this fight? Tsuneo: I don’t know… I have nothing.
> “Where are they Brad?” > “Right here.”
Rebecca [Kelly]: We’ve been here for hours. Nice of you to finally notice.
> “WHAT?!?!?!?!” shouted Kevin and Brad at the same time. > The Fox was knocked off it’s feet as the Saix sped ,
Rebecca: I could probably go on for hours about the physics of a three-hundred kilometer an hour shockwave flipping a quadrapedal fifty ton robot, but suffice to say ‘not like that’.
> but the Spiner had put the braces on the back of it’s legs down.
Tsuneo: Heaven forbid that Kevin even gets a boo-boo on his pinkie.
> “Brad, you ok?” > “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Tsuneo [Monotone]: Oh no, how will Kevin overcome three-on-one odds and triumph? Rebecca [Monotone]: I am on the edge of my seat with excitement
[Rick snores loudly]
> The Spiner had ran out of the cloud of smoke and smack dab into Kelly’s Saix. > “Hey, watch it!” > “Your fault, that’s one down.”
Dan: Ladies and gentlemen, the world’s second-greatest Zoids team. Tsuneo: Makes me wonder what the rest are like. Rebecca: Considering the Champ Team and the Fuzzy Pandas, second-greatest isn’t much of an achievement.
> “There’s still us.” said Jack as he and Chris ran by Kevin at full speed. > The Spiner was knocked head over heels.
Rick: The Asterix school of fighting. In a second he’s going to punch someone into the air, leaving their sandals in place.
> “Did his system freeze Jamie?”
Rebecca: Since the last two Zoids were eliminated by just falling over.
> “Not yet Doc, the Spiner is still fully functional, with only a few problems.”
Dan: They broke the lever that makes the seat go up and down. Whatever will he do?
> “Incredible. Not many Zoids could with stand an attack like that.”
Tsuneo: In case you missed it the last thousand and six times: Kevin’s Zoid is awesome.
> “Sorry to spoil your plans Jack, but I’m still here.”
Rebecca [Singing]: And believe me I am still alive. Doing science and I’m still alive.
> “Not for long.” > The 2 remaining Saix charged for Kevin. Kevin fired the Spiner’s chest guns at the Saix and as soon as > they accelerated they ran right into the fire from the Spiner’s shoulder cannons.
Tsuneo: So… the Lightning Team just obligingly ran into Kevin’s guns and got themselves killed. Rick: That’s the gist of it, yep. Tsuneo: I’m beginning to miss the Invador fights. Help.
> “So much for that move, Huh?” > “Ah, how did we lose? It should have been simple.”
Rick: The plot was against you. Rebecca: See also, everyone in Guardian force who isn’t Van.
> “ ‘The Hunter’ doesn’t lose often.”
Dan: And when he does, he then goes off to edit his Wikipedia page to make himself look better. Rebecca: Wikipedia: For those who are too cheap for vanity publishing.
> “See Kevin, you thought you’d lose and you won it for us!”
Dan [Yelling]: I beat team that beat Blitz team! Rebecca: I dunno; incoherent yelling is almost redundant around here. Everyone sounds like that. Dan: Oh [Slumps]
> “Ah, it wasn’t that hard once I figured out how to hit them.”
Tsuneo: Apparently shooting at them does the trick.
> “Whatever ‘Hunter’, you know you where worried for a minute.” > “Come on Leena, don’t I get some credit?”
Dan: No! No credit for you!
> “Yes, you do Kev. You proved to us that your reputation is well deserved.”
Rick [Doc]: Especially that bit about never changing your underwear. Boy, does it reek in here!
> “Thanks Doc.” > “Well, hopefully we won’t be fighting in any battles anytime soon.” > “Don’t worry Kev, you can sit the next battle out.”
Tsuneo: Heaven forbid that anyone should have to work for their victory.
> “That’s not what I meant Leena, I have to repair the Zoids now.” > “Oh yeah, well let’s work tomorrow and celebrate today!” > “Great idea Leena.”
Dan: Haha! How did we ever get on without you, Kevin? Rick: Pretty damn well, actually.
Rick: Meanwhile, the rest of the team are desperately on the phone to the police, given that some maniac is threatening one of them with a gun over a joke.
> “Good.” said Kevin as he put his gun away.
Dan: And they jump him and wrestle it off him.
> Leena took Kevin to her room and opened her dresser. She then pulled it out from in between her > panties.
Rebecca: Hey Dan, there’s your gratuitous panty shot. Dan: Eh, I’ll take what I get.
> “LEENA!!!” > “What?” > “I know it’s April Fools Day and all, but this is ridiculous!” > “Where’s your sense of humor Kev?”
Dan [Kevin, Deep]: My parents were murdered on April Fools’ day. Rebecca [Leena]: Haha! That’s a good one, Kev! I mean, it’s just… so… Kev? Dan [Kevin, Deep]: That wasn’t a joke.
> “Never mind.” > Kevin turned around and started to leave. > “Oh, Leena?” > “Yes Kevin?” said Leena a little shakily, worried what might happen next.
Tsuneo: Bear in mind that this is the man who just threatened her with a gun. At this point, any sane person would be worried for their health [pause] Or Leena.
> “My gun is empty.” he said as he bolted out of the room.
Tsuneo: And that’s the last thing you want to say in a situation like this.
> “WHAT!!!!!!!” Leena ran out of the room after Kevin, but didn’t see him anywhere. She heard a soft > ‘clink’ and looked around. There was nothing there.
Dan: Ninjas. Must be ninjas. Rick: Now if this was Fuzors, that’d make sense. Rebecca: If this was Fuzors, then the Ninjas would have chopped the door open and shouted “We are Ninjas” to all around.
> She started to walk away and heard some snickering.
Rick: And a little Marsing and maybe a bit of Cherry Riping.
> “Must be imagining things...” mumbled Leena.
Dan: And if you think that, then the Ninjas have already won. Tsuneo: I don’t think there are Ninjas, Dan. Dan: They’re probably hiding behind that pot-plant
> From the ventilation shaft, Kevin listened to Leena walk away.
Rick: He then climbed down, hid inside a cardboard box and waited for a dog to pee on it.
> He started laughing his ass off. Then he felt a sharp tug on his leg.
Dan: It was Ethan Hunt, telling him to get his bloated carcass out of the way.
> He stopped laughing immediately and slowly turned his head to look. Leena > was staring straight back at him with a very evil look on her face.
Dan: I bet he was wishing that it was a swarm of headcrabs right now.
> “AHHHH!!! Leena, it was just a joke, I swear!” Kevin stammered as he started to crawl away. > “VERY FUNNY! Get Back Here!!!!” > “Come on Leena, it was a harmless joke!”
Rebecca: Firearm humour is rarely harmless… or repeatable.
> “HARMLESS MY ASS!!!!!! YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK!!!!!!!”
Rick: Kevin’s body was later found stuffed into a very, very small bar fridge.
> Back in the living room everyone was staring at the vents in the room wondering what all the noise was > about.
Dan: Call the exterminator, we’ve got ceiling wolverines.
> “Any idea what’s going on?” > “Not a clue.”
Tsuneo: You, me and everyone else.
> Just then Kevin fell out of one of the vents and on to Bit. > “GET OFF ME!!!”
Rebecca: That comes later, Kev. [Tsuneo hits her with a cushion] Bite me. I have to entertain myself somehow in all this.
> “Yeah, sure.” Kevin said, out of breath. > “What’d you do Kev?” > “I’ll tell you later...”
Rick: “I’ll tell you later” constitutes half the dialogue in Doctor Who; maybe two thirds during the Tom Baker years.
> said Kevin, sprinting down a hallway. Leena’s head popped out of the vent that > Kevin had fallen out of.
Rebecca: No matter where you are, no matter how quiet it is… Leena is watching you.
> “Did you guys just see Kevin?”
> “Yeah.” > “Where’d he go?” > “He just went that way.”
Dan: Brazillian passport in hand.
> Kevin had figured he had a pretty good lead on Leena, so he decided to stop and looked for a hiding > place. Except when he rounded a corner to look, he tripped. And before he could get up Leena was on > top of him.
Rebecca: No matter if it’s Bit or Leena, Kevin’s always the bottom.
> “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill you.” she said as she pinned Kevin.
Dan: [Kevin] Because I know where Old Man McGraw buried his gold.
> “Because you’d miss me too much?”
Dan: Damn, those are some sucky last words.
> “Good, but not good enough.”
Rick: Conversely, that’s a great villain quip.
Kevin did the best he could to block the punch he expected from Leena.
Rebecca: So she kicked him in the nuts instead.
> But there was no punch. Kevin looked at Leena, still sitting on his back, and saw she was grinning from > ear to ear. > “Uhhhhhhh......”
Tsuneo: Actually, that’s worse.
> “What? You think I’d hurt you?” said Leena still smiling. > “Well, I did.” > “You said the gun wasn’t loaded, so I forgive you.”
Tsuneo: He waved a gun in your face, putting you in a perfectly legitimate fear for your life. That’s not the sort of thing that you casually brush off. Dan: Why? Happens to me all the time.
> She got off Kevin’s back and helped him into a sitting position. > “Thanks, but I doubt this will be the end of what happens to me today, huh?”
Rebecca: And this is the sort of conversation that leads to you living the rest of your life in mortal fear.
> “Oh, I don’t know...” > “I don’t like the sound of that.” said Kevin, a lopsided smile appearing on his face.
Tsuneo: It was at that point that he realized that he’d named Leena as sole beneficiary.
> “To bad.” said Leena, getting up and walking away.
Rick: Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but Kevin knew that some day… Some day, there would be screaming.
> She blew him a kiss before she rounded the corner. > Kevin sat there for a few minutes with a look of wonder and amazement on his face.
Dan: It was the closest he’d ever been to a real girl.
> Things went smoothly for the rest of the morning for Kevin. Not that he didn’t keep an eye on Leena > though.
Rick: Kev would live out his days in a concrete bunker filled with bottled water, tinned food and shotguns.
> But it wasn’t Kevin that was Leena’s next target,
Tsuneo: Though once she killed Charles De Gaulle, he knew he’d be the next to die.
> it was Bit. Leon and Naomi had come over that > afternoon to see Kevin and the Spiner.
Rebecca [Naomi]: So that’s the Spiner. Tsuneo [Leon]: And that’s Kevin. Rebecca [Naomi]: Right, we’re off.
> Everyone, except Bit, was in the living room chatting with each > other when they heard a blood curling scream.
Dan: Bloody peacocks.
> “That can’t be anything good.” remarked Leon. > Kevin looked over at Leena and she was grinning ear to ear again. > “What’d you do to Bit Leena?”
Tsuneo: Nothing that can’t be fixed with some major surgery.
> “Nothing really, I just hid the Liger 0 on him, that’s all.” > “Where exactly did you hide it Leena?” asked Naomi.
Rick: Under a rock in Canada. Where else?
> “I sent it over to Harry, I doubt Bit would think it’d be there.”
Rebecca: To be even more of a joke, she sent it Cash-on-delivery.
> At that moment, Bit ran into the room, a look of despair on his face. “Has anyone seen Liger?”
Dan: Has anyone seen Liger; a timeless tale of a boy and his giant robot cat that the whole family will love.
> “I think my dad took it with him into town so he could sell it.” > “WHAT?!?!?” > “April fools Bit.” > “WHAT DO YOU MEAN APRIL FOOLS???”
Tsuneo: The traditional practice of playing practical jokes on others on the first day of April. What did you think he meant?
> “It’s over at Harry’s.” > “Oh great, by now he’s probably painted it like his Whale King’s.”
Rick: Oh no not… factory stock!
> Everyone except Bit started laughing uncontrollably. > “IT’S NOT FUNNY!!!”
Dan [Bit]: Liger’s the only person who ever loved me.
> “Don’t worry Bit, Harry promised he wouldn’t do anything to Liger. I’ll call him and tell him to send it back > over.” > “Hey Kev, you said you’d tell us what you did to get Leena all riled up like that.”
Rick: He commented about those episodes where she’s all off-model and kind of chubby, and how he likes them. He is so dead.
> “Oh, right. Thanks Brad, I was hoping no one would remember.”
Dan: [Kevin] Now I have to bare my eternal shame.
> “To bad, now tell us.” > “You know how I drew my gun when I asked Leena to give my Zoid gear back?”
Tsuneo: [Brad] We’re still in group therapy from that one “joke.”
> “Yeah.” > “Well, after I got it back I told Leena that the gun wasn’t loaded and ducked into a ventilation shaft in the > ceiling.” > “So that’s why you fell onto Bit.”
Rick: So that’s how the jeep got into the tree.
> “Yes, now let me finish. I thought Leena didn’t know where I was, so I started laughing.
Dan [Kevin]: Haha! Attempted murder is so funny! It’s a real riot, guys! Tsuneo: Yeah, at this point, I’m really wondering why they keep him around.
> I felt something pull on my leg, and when I turned to look,
Rick [Kevin]: It was a facehugger. So now I have a horrible alien parasite growing inside of me, ready to rip out of my guts at any time! Haha! [Pause] I guess you had to be there.
> Leena was right behind me. And so the chase began.” > “So you knew he was in the ventilation Leena?” > “Yeah, after he started laughing.” > “Great story, now could you call Harry Leena?”
Rick: Harry, you’re Leena.
> “Yeah, sure, keep your shirt on.” > Leena was proud of herself today, because she had done better this year than last year. Little did she > know that Bit was about to exact his revenge.
Rebecca [Fake British]: Little did he… [Normal] Damn it! Did that one already.
> Leena burst into Kevin’s room with just her robe on.
Dan: And her wizard hat?
> “What’s up Leena?” asked Kevin, not looking away from his computer.
Rick [Kevin]: Man, this is some great Twilight fic. Go team Red Truck! Dan: Team Mustache Dad! Rick: Team Red Truck! Dan: Team Mustache Dad! Rick: Team Red Truck! Tsuneo: …
> “Where are my clothes Kevin?”
Rebecca: Now there’s one of the great regretful morning-after statements.
> “I don’t know, I didn’t take them.” said Kevin looking at Leena finally. > “Is this another April Fools joke or did you just come to show me your bath robe?” > “It’s no joke! Someone took all my clothes.” > “Did you ask anyone else?” > “Brad and Jamie went out to pick up some parts, and I can’t find Bit anywhere.”
Rick: Hey guys, you know that feeling you get in a chapter of Delta Invasion when you’re waiting for an Invador alert so it’ll mean a break from Tom’s attempts at characterization and the like? Rebecca: Yes? Rick: I have that now. Tsuneo: What, you want another Kevin fight? Rick: Yeah. Tsuneo: You do not suffer alone. Rebecca: Agreed there. Dan: I too wish for the hurting to stop.
> “Then Bit probably knows where your clothes are. Is the Liger still here?” > “Yeah.”
Dan [Kevin]: Let’s ask the Liger! Rebecca [Leena]: Brilliant!
> “Come with me, I’ll find him.” > Kevin and Leena finally found Bit after looking for almost an hour. He was in the Hover Cargo’s engine > room. > “Alright Bit. Where are my clothes?” asked Leena as she hauled him back into the base with Kevin > following, laughing as they went.
Dan: We’re gonna have ourselves a good ol’ lynching. Tsuneo: We’ve been really dark this last chapter. Though, looking at it, I’m not saying that I don’t understand why.
> “Did you look in Kev’s room?” > Kevin and Leena looked at each other and ran to his room. Kevin opened his closet and dresser. There > where all of Leena’s clothes, stuffed in with Kevin’s.
Rebecca: [Leena] Hey Kev, not all these dresses are mine. In fact, they look like they’re your size.
> “I’ll let you get changed Leena, then I’ll help you get your clothes back to your room.” > “Thanks.” > “In the mean time, I’m going to go find Bit.” > “K”
Dan: L! Rick: M! Rebecca: N! Tsuneo: O!
> After everything was back in order,
Rick: The next round of japing could begin! Tsuneo: That’s actually a bit weak. Rick: I was going for a joke about Modrons, but do you know how hard that is to pull off? Tsuneo: Harder than that.
> and Bit was properly bandaged, Leena, Kevin, and Bit agreed to > stop pranking one another.
Dan: [Ominous] Now it’s Brad’s turn.
> Bit was especially relieved.
Tsuneo: He’s not the Self Insert, nor is he the designated love interest. Ergo, he doesn’t have a chance. Rebecca: I’m not sure about that. Shinji’s not Tom’s love interest – at least, not intentionally – and he still gets to do whatever he damn well feels like. Tsuneo: You know, this is going to sound worrying, but I’m beginning to realize that this fic doesn’t have the comparative emotional maturity of Delta. Rick: You’re right. Tsuneo: I am? Rick: It is worrying.
> When Jaime, Brad, and Doc
Tsuneo: The people that don’t get to do anything.
> came back that > evening, they were amazed that everything was still in one piece.
Rick: Especially Doc’s collection of incredibly fragile antique glassware Dan: Is that the one stored next to his row of Ming vases?
> Until they saw Bit. > “What’d you do Bit?” > “Don’t even ask.”
Rebecca: Bit won’t let anyone know, but after today, he’s going to give up chainsaw sculpture.
> “Oh come on Bit it can’t be that bad.” Doc said as he slapped Bit on the shoulder. > “OW!!! Doc that hurts.” > “Oh, sorry Bit. So what happened?” > “I hid Leena’s clothes in Kevin’s room. When the two of them found out. Kevin chased me around the > base.
Dan: I even touched home, but he kept chasing me. I said that wasn’t fair and he was out, and Leena said that he was out and then he chucked a tantrum. Rebecca: Ladies and gentlemen, internet RP.
> He’s meaner than Leena when he’s angry.” > “You got that right.” said Kevin from the couch. > Everyone except Bit started laughing.
Tsuneo: Haha! Grievous bodily harm is almost as much fun as attempted murder!
Tsuneo: Wait… did that chapter finally end? Rick: Seems that way. Tsuneo: There is a god after all, and he is kind and just.
> The Dark Spiner - Part VI (Isaac Cloud)
Rick: Oooh boy. Take back everything you just said. Tsuneo: Something wrong? Rick: Yeah. Isaac Cloud is a fan character who somehow managed to transcend his original fic and spread like Ebola or some other horrible virus across the fandom. The net result is that he’s the sort of really crappy fanon that’s mistaken for canon by idiots and perpetuates further. Rebecca: So… he’s suck in a suck fic? Rick: Exactly.
> By: Dark Spiner > ___________________________________________________
Dan: Page break’s the real hero in this piece. Rick: Team Page Break! Tsuneo: …
> Ever since Kevin had joined the Blitz team, things had livened up and they have yet to lose a battle.
All [Bored]: Yay
> Things were normal for once. Well...as normal as things get in the Toros base. Leena was chasing Bit, > Kevin was working on the Zoids, Brad and Jamie were playing chess, and Doc was building models. All > in all, a pretty peaceful day, for now.
Dan: So in other words, exactly like canon, but with some random dude with them. Got it. Rick: Lucas digitally added Kevin into scenes for the late 2012 download to own edition.
> “Could you two keep it down, I’m workin’ on some delicate components here.” > “Tell that to Leena, she’s the one chasing me!” > “Well this wouldn’t happen if you’d stop stealing Leena’s food!”
Rick: An incident that happened exactly once in the series and yet, inexplicably, has been stock in every New Century fanfic ever.
> “He’s got a point there Bit, now come back here.” > “Ah, Bit’ll never learn. Hmmm?” > Kevin drew his gun and pointed it into a dark corner of the hanger.
Tsuneo: If he’s drawing his gun, does that mean he likes you?
> “Come out!”
Dan: I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
> Nothing happened.
Rick: Well that was an anticlimactic chapter. Next!
> Spiner started walking over to the corner because Kevin had already finished > repairs on him.
Tsuneo: From what? So far the Spiner has managed to get nary a scratch. Rebecca: Yeah, but Kev’s terrible at reverse parking.
> He opened his mouth and picked up whoever was in the corner.
Dan: Oh yuck. Robot dinosaur drool.
> “Thanks Spiner.”
Rebecca: [Lauren Kayanka] You’re the best. The end!
> Kevin said as he holstered his gun. Spiner had brought the man into view. > “Isaac?” Bit was the first to speak.
> “Who?” said Kevin and Leena in unison. > “Hey Bit.” > “Who’s Isaac?” > “My brother, that’s who he is.”
Tsuneo: Embarrassing, horrible siblings are universal. [Dan conspicuously looks away]
> “You’ve got a brother Bit?”
Rick: [Electronic] Yes. Dan: And he’s a jerk? Rick: [Electronic] Yes. Dan: And he smells funny? Rick: [Electronic] Yes Dan: And he’s canon? Rick: [Electronic] Nonononononono.
> “Apparently...”said Kevin, speaking up. > “So Isaac, why are you blessing us with your presence?”
Rebecca [Isaac]: I wound up a bit short in the old bank account, made a few investments that didn’t pan out. Guy couldn’t borrow $3.6 billion? I’ll pay you back soon.
> “Have this monster put me down and I’ll tell you.” > “Put him down Spiner.”
Dan: You’re dumb, you’re ugly and you’re fanon.
> Spiner promptly dropped Isaac. > “You’ll have to excuse Spiner, he doesn’t like being called names.”
Tsuneo: …even though it grabbed him before he’d even spoken.
> “What, is he an Ultimate X or something?”
Dan: More of the something side. Really, he’s only an Ultimate W.
> “Actually, yes he is.” said Kevin as he dropped off the Liger.
Rick: Don’t you know everyone’s got an Ultimate X? Rebecca: I’ve been using mine to make hot chocolate.
> “So why are you here Isaac?”
Rick [Isaac]: Well, mummy and daddy did a naughty thing, and nine months later…
> “I came to check up on you little bro.” > “More like you came to cause trouble, being that’s what you always did.” > “Me, cause trouble? Nahhh.” > “Isaac Cloud...I’ve heard of you before. You go around and steal Zoid parts. Particularly off rare Zoids > and Zoids on high ranking teams.”
Tsuneo [Kevin]: I’m Kevin, and I know everything. Just ask me. Dan: [Isaac] Oh yeah? What happened at the end of Lost? Tsuneo: [Kevin] Uuuhhh…
> “Your point?” > “We have four rare Zoids here and one powerful Gun Sniper!” > “Again, your point?”
Dan [Kevin]: Nothing really. Just bragging.
> “You should have some kind of price on your head. Should we turn him in?” > “No, he may be a crook, but he is still my brother.”
Rick: Bit would later regret those words during his time in the White House.
> “Fine, get out of here. If I see you around here again I’ll turn you in in a heartbeat.”
Rebecca: Kevin has spoken! His word is law! Dan: Nothing can go wrong with this plan.
> “Ok, I’m gone.” > “That loser is your brother Bit?" > “Unfortunately.”
Tsuneo: …as we have repeatedly stated for the last half-page…
> “Hey Leena, weren’t you chasing Bit for the food he stole before we were interrupted?” > “Oh yeah, Bit come here!” > “What! Kevin! HELP!” > “You’re on your own Bit.” > “AHHHHH!!!!!!!”
Tsuneo: We now return you to your stock zany comedy hijinks. Rick: I think they’re more whacky then zany. Zany usually suggests hysterical housewives in sitcoms.
> Kevin got back up on the Liger and went back to work.
Rick [Kevin]: No! This one goes here, that one goes there! Dan: Rawrooorgh!
> Things had gone back to normal. Jamie finally won the chess match, Doc was playing with his new > model,
Rebecca: At least she claimed to be a model in the mail-order Russian bride catalogue. Reality was somewhat disappointing. Rick: On the other hand, she plays GURPS, Hero System and any three MechWarrior editions you care to name. Rebecca: Nice and obscure.
> and Kevin was watching Leena finish chasing Bit.
Dan [Kevin]: Haha! Watching him get murdered is fun!
> Everyone had gathered in the dining room for lunch when Kevin decided to bring up Isaac.
Tsuneo [Kevin]: I’m legally adopting him.
> “You know Bit, when I first heard about Isaac, I thought the thing with the last names was just a > coincidence. But I guess not.”
Rick: That and they look similar. Tsuneo: Details!
> “Yeah, well, it’s nothin’ to be proud about.” > “You were a junk dealer at one time though Bit.” said Leena. > “Yeah, but I salvaged parts, I didn’t steal them.”
Rebecca: Well that’s so much better. Dan: It’s not stealing if they can’t use them anymore.
> “Hey, at lest some of us still have family.” > “Whaddya’ mean?” > “My family’s dead. Been by myself for about a year.”
Dan [Kevin]: I have backstory! Rebecca: Whatever. Tom got to it first.
> “That’s sad.” > “No pity necessary Leena.”
Dan: Though he won’t say no to comfort sex
> There was a loud crash from the hanger. > “Isaac...” Kevin hissed.
Tsuneo: I’d say he’s leaping to conclusions, but since Kevin’s always right and the fic is yet to surprise us in the slightest, I say ‘sure’.
> When everyone got to the hanger only the Spiner and Gun Sniper where still there.
Rick: While Ferris Bueller was driving off with the Ferrari.
> Spiner was > breaking the cables attached to him and the Gun Sniper had yet to be captured. The rest of the Zoids > were being hauled out through the roof.
Tsuneo: This probably sounds petty, but… damn it, would it kill him for his Zoid once not to be best at everything? Even resisting being stolen? Rebecca: No, it wasn’t and yes, it would. Tsuneo: I am both relieved and saddened.
> “He must have a Whale King.
Dan: Actually it’s a Whale Queen. You can tell by the wig and frock.
> Leena, lets go.” > “Right behind you.” > Kevin was right, when the Spiner and Sniper got outside there was a Whale King over the base.
Rick: How’d a giant flying aircraft carrier manage to sneak up on them? Dan: It made a successful stealth check. Rick: Oooh, right.
> “Shoot it down!” yelled Bit over the com.
Rebecca: [Kevin] Really, I thought I’d let him get away.
> “Right.” The two Zoids started firing, but they where having little effect.
Tsuneo: Keep it up and Isaac may eventually get a headache from all the ricochets.
> “This is taking too long.” The spine on the Spiner had lifted up into the air and the guns on the tip faced > forward. The leg braces went down and vents opened on the tail.
Rick [British]: Rarely seen in the wild, the male Dark Spiner puts on an elaborate display in the hopes of attracting a mate.
> “What’s going on Doc?” asked Brad. > “A charged particle gun...Leena get back in here!” > “Why?” > “That’s a charged particle gun on the Spiner!”
Rick: Actually, that’s as much fanon as Isaac. The Dark Spiner doesn’t have a charged particle gun. Rebecca: So what do you reckon are the odds that Big Kev chucked a major wobbler when then depiction of the Spiner in Fuzors didn’t match up to his precious and mistaken ideals? Rick: Probably pretty good, and funny to behold to boot.
> “WHAT!!!” > Energy was gathering at the tip of the spine as the Gun Sniper got back into the base. > “Wait, there’s no need for that!” said Isaac, his face on the com.
Tsuneo: [Isaac] It’s not like you’re using reasonable force to prevent a felony! Rick: Last guy he came across someone trying to jack Zoids with a Whale King was Joe Chill.
> “Then give us back the Zoids.” > “No dice, the Backdraft group remnants are paying me big for these Zoids.”
Rick: After paying for the Whale King and the massive crew needed to run it, I have to wonder how much he’s actually making. Rebecca: He registered the ship in Panama for tax reasons.
> “Then your done.” > The Spiner fired it’s charged particle gun and the blast tore through the Whale King. As Isaac’s Whale > King was going down,
Tsuneo: -crushing Kevin and the Dark Spiner under thousands of tons of burning wreckage. The end. Rebecca: I’d say that was dark, but it makes sense, and anyway, I’d like to see it myself.
> another appeared from behind it. > “We’re taking those Zoids weather you like it or not.” It was Altiel. > “You want me to shoot your Whale King down too?”
Rick: [Kevin] ‘Cause I will. I mean it! I’ll totally do it, too!
> “Not likely.” > The Whale King landed and started to deploy it’s Zoids. There where two Gun Blusters and a heavily > modified Mad Thunder.
Tsuneo: Fic discussion! Genuine effort to include new Zoids not seen in the animation, or just picking names off a list? Rick: Names off a list. Dan: Names off a list. Rebecca: Names off a list. Tsuneo: And that’s it for Fic Discussion this week.
> “Guys, get to Isaac’s Whale King and get your Zoids,
Rick: The Zoids that were under the Whale King when you destroyed it and this are now buried in thousands of tons of burning wreckage? I’m sensing a small flaw in your plan, Kev.
> I’m gonna’ need some help.”
Rebecca: This looks like a job for… the B-Team! Rick: It does? Rebecca: Better them then us.
> As the heavily armed Zoids came closer, Kevin saw how heavily modified the Mad Thunder was.
Dan: Dropped the suspension, installed a blower, chrome rims, neon underlights, fuzzy dice… whole package.
> In addition to it’s already impressive arsenal, something even Leena would be jealous of,
Rebecca: Great. Leena’s got *Watch your language!* envy. Now you’re in trouble.
> it had two heavy beam cannons and two super cannons.
Rick: Normally disguised as mild-mannered reporter guns.
> “Guy’s, Help, NOW!!!” shouted Kevin as the enemy Zoids started firing at the Spiner.
Tsuneo: Why? You can doubtless walk all over them yourself.
> “We’re taking more than the Liger this time Blitz Team.”
Rick: We’re taking your little dog too!
> “Not if we have anything to say about it.” said Bit as the rest of the Blitz Team approached. > “Bit, transform to Jager, those Zoids are all about weaponry, not speed, they’ll have no chance of > keeping up with you.”
Rebecca: Practical experience says that in surface-to-surface warfare, saturation fire beats mobility.
> “Right.” > “Those Zoids have even more firepower than me!” > “Ya’ Think? Now move!” The Blitz Team broke apart.
Dan: Most people thought it was just a PR stunt, especially when they reformed less than a year later.
> The Liger went to transform and the rest started their attack.
Dan: [Kevin] Lock s-foils in attack position.
> “Guy’s, take out the Gun Bluster’s first, they’re the biggest problem.” > “Why?” > “They’re pretty damn maneuverable.”
Rick: In the same way that giant tortoises are.
> “I noticed.” said Brad as he rounded one and it easily kept him in his sight’s. Something sped by > suddenly and the Gun Bluster that was harassing Brad was flipped on to it’s back.
Tsuneo: The Gunbluster lies on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping. Rick [Angry]: What do you mean, I'm not helping?
> “Did ya’ miss me?”
Dan: I don’t know, who are you?
> “Not particularly.” > “Hey!” > “Stow it, we got one more Gun Bluster and then that Mad Thunder.” > Everyone kept moving as they attacked the Gun Bluster. > “Weasel Unit Total Assault!” The Gun Bluster was down.
Tsuneo: I’m drawn in by the depth and vivid description in these fight scenes.
> “Where’d the Mad Thunder go?”
Dan: How can you lose it? It’s one of the biggest Zoids ever! Rick: Methinks that Big Kev saw a pic of the Mad Thunder and didn’t realise how big it is. So instead, he’s writing it as being the size of a Liger or Redhorn. Tsuneo: Bad mistake, I take it. Rick: Imagine seeing a picture of EVA-01 and assuming it was Gundam-Sized. Tsuneo: Ow.
> Kevin got his answer when the Spiner was knocked off it’s feet.
Rick: Wait… Tsuneo: Could it be… Rebecca: …someone actually landed a hit on Kevin? Dan: Unpossible!
> “It’s over here. That was for shooting my Whale King down.” > “Isaac!”
Rick [Isaac]: And that was for the hundreds of crew that you killed in the process! Dan [Kevin]: There were people on that? Rick [Isaac]: What, you think I can run a massive, heavily-armed flying fortress all on my own? Of course there were people on there, you jerk! Dan [Kevin]: Oh, Um… sorry? I… think I need some time to consider this. Tsuneo: And in that one riff we have more emotional depth then Kevin has otherwise shown thus far.
> “That’s right little bro. This won’t be as easy as you thought. Not only am I good at stealing Zoid parts,
Tsuneo [Isaac]: But I also make a mean soufflé.
> I’m good at piloting Zoids too.” > “Tell it to someone who cares.” said Kevin as the Spiner was struggling to get up.
Rebecca: Actually, right now would be a good time to care about his piloting skills.
> “Surprising, not many Zoids can with stand a barrage from my Mad Thunder here.” > “Your Mad Thunder?” > “Yes, my Mad Thunder.”
Rick: His Mad Thunder? Tsuneo: Yes, his Mad Thunder.
> “Right. Jamie, hit him!” > “Right!” > The Mad Thunder was rocked by fire from the Raynos as Jamie flew by.
Rick: Not to mention robo-dino droppings.
> “I don’t think so!” said Isaac as he aimed the beam cannons at the Raynos. > “No, I don’t think so.” said Bit as he rammed the Mad Thunder.
Dan: No, I don’t think so ether, said Dan as he looked around for more booze.
> It was to late, Isaac had got the shot off and the Raynos was hit. > “JAMIE!” > “Pull up!” > The Raynos disappeared behind a rock outcropping.
Tsuneo [Jamie]: If I hide here, maybe I can get out of the fic.
> “No...Jamie!!! Isaac, your Mad Thunder is gonna’ suffer the same fate as your Whale King.”
Rick [Isaac]: So what, you’re going to kill it and the crew inside? Dan [Kevin]: There are more people in there? Um… can I think about this?
> “Don’t give up on me yet.” Jamie...make that the Wild Eagle roared by and the Mad Thunder was hit > harder than before. > “Jamie, your ok!” > “It’s The Wild Eagle.”
Rick: And then he swooped down to rescue the children, and scratched Badjelly the witch in the eyes.
> “HUH???” > “We explain later Kevin.” said Bit.
Tsuneo: Wait, did Kevin not know something? Amazing! Rebecca: Careful there, Big Kev. You don’t want to set a reputation for credibility that you can’t live up to.
> “There won’t be a later for you guys when I’m done.” > “Not likely Isaac.” > “This isn’t over yet.”
Dan: He still has three more lives.
> “But it will be soon, right Bit?” > “Right Kevin.”
Rick: I’m yelling this fight scene at you! Dan: No I’m yelling this fight scene at you! Rick: I’m reacting to things that aren’t described to the readers! Dan: I’m acting as if everyone knows what’s happening already!
> Isaac let lose a barrage that missed completely. Everyone had spread out so much that combat for the > Mad Thunder was now next to impossible.
Rebecca: And this is why you have weapons on turrets.
> “Hold still damn it!” shouted Isaac as he tried to get a fix on the Spiner. > “Oh, I’m sorry, your Mad Thunder can’t fight at close range can it?
Dan: Pay no attention to the two gigantic drill horns that the whole thing is built around.
> To bad for you.” > “STRIKE LASER CLAW!!!” > Most of the Mad Thunder’s weaponry on it’s back was thorn off by Liger 0.
Rick: Thorn off? Rebecca: It used its Strike Laser Rosebush.
> “Weasel Unit Total Assault!” > Only the cannons on the Thunder’s head remained. > “It’s over Isaac. For you to Altiel.” > “No, it’s impossible, we can’t lose.
Tsuneo: Such conviction. I didn’t think you could phone in a fanfic until now.
> Not after what happened in the Royal Cup!”
Rick: What did happen in the Royal Cup? Rebecca: Spain defeated the Netherlands 1-0 in extra time. Not that anyone noticed because of all the bloody Vuvezelas.
> “Well, you just lost.” said Kevin as he and Brad took off the Thunder’s head cannons. Altiel’s Whale > King flew away
Dan [Altiel]: I just remembered that I left the kettle on!
> and Isaac was left alone to face the Blitz Team. > “Now can we turn him in Bit?” > “He deserves it, so lets.” > “Come on Bit, your not gonna’ help me again?” > “Not after you tried to steal our Zoids.”
Rebecca: Even though he was a wanted Zoid thief when you last met him, and… Ah, who cares?
> After everything was said and done, and Isaac had been hauled off by the police, things were back to, > well...normal.
Rick: Save for the huge hole in the roof and the hue pile of wrecked metal nearby and the mass graves for Isaac’s incinerated crew.
> Kevin was repairing the Zoids again, Leena was chasing Bit, this time Brad was winning > at chess, and Doc was playing with his model again, which just happened to be a Dark Spiner model.
Dan: They’re all remarkably casual about this whole ‘attempted Zoid theft turned to attempted homicide’ thing. Tsuneo: Not to mention the fact that they’ve just had a run in with a remnant of the Backdraft group, which the ZBC sees as being a threat. Right now they should be answering questions, filling in reports and more than likely in protective custody while security goons crawl all over the base. Rick: But, but, stock zany comedy hijinks!
> “Don’t you ever get tired of chasing Bit Leena?”
Dan: Bit Leena? Rick: He’s on the same team as Brad Jamie and Doc Kevin.
> “No. It’s fun actually.” > “I’ll never understand you two.”
Tsuneo: I don’t think anyone understands what’s going on.
> Later that night, Kevin was online setting up a time for a package to be delivered the next day. When he > was done, he got a notice that he had a new message. When Kevin looked at the message he found it > was from someone he hoped he’d never have to deal with again.
Rick [Kevin]: Ah, Hamburglar, my old nemesis. It seems that I have not seen the last of you after all.
Rick: So this is going to be the mysterious background Yurei was constantly alluding to, right? Rebecca: At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if she showed up here. Crying bitter tears of agony, yes, but surprised, no.
> By: Dark Spiner > ___________________________________________________
> It was the day after the Blitz Team encountered Bit’s brother Isaac. Everyone was in high spirits, except > Kevin. The email he received the night before rattled him, and he is not in a good mood.
Dan [Kevin]: That poor Nigerian Prince. I hope that giving him all my money will help him out.
> Bit found out that he was in a bad mood the hard way. Kevin nearly killed him that morning for trying to > take his bath time.
Tsuneo: Once again, bathing arrangements are important to the story. Rick: I have a horrible feeling it’s going to be on the test.
> Bit knew that he pissed Kevin off, but he didn’t think Kevin would try to kill him. Kevin > nearly ripped the door to Bit’s room out of the wall.
Tsuneo: I could make a quip about Bit’s being surprisingly okay with attempted murder but… that’s actually in-character for him
> “Kevin is definitely not a friendly person today.” said Bit to everyone in the living room. Thankfully for Bit, > Kevin was still in the shower.
Rick: He was in such a bad mood that he didn’t wash his underarms. The fiend.
> “I agree. I wonder what the problem could be. I mean Kevins gotten angry with you before, but we’ve > never had to pull him off your bedroom door before.”
Rebecca: You know what? This isn’t even Delta-levels of easy innuendo. The fic’s handing me this crap on a silver platter.
> said Brad. > “You guy’s should try to talk to Kevin and see what’s wrong.”
Tsuneo: I’d suggest starting with apostrophe use.
> “I don’t know dad, all of us together had a hard time pulling Kevin off the door. If he gets mad, who > knows what could happen.”
Rick: He might grab…a different door! [They gasp]
> “Then why don’t you try talking to him Leena?” > “Why me?” > “Because Kevin is the nicest to you, unless you haven’t noticed?”
Tsuneo: Nicest in the way that he waved a gun in her face, right?
> “Well, yeah, actually, I have noticed that Kevin is the nicest to me.”
Rick: Kevin is the nicest to her. Dan: I had noticed that Kevin is the nicest to her.
> “Then will you try talking to him?” > “I guess.”
> It was around noon,
Dan: The citizens of Dust Gulch watched with apprehension as the two gunfighters squared off in main street.
> and no one had done anything to get Kevin mad. Leena had yet to get an answer out of Kevin.
Rick: So she kept spamming him with messages, just to get the point across.
> But Leena was not giving up.
Rebecca [Leena]: God help me, but I’ll make him interact with other human begins even if it kills him!
> “Come on Kevin, why won’t you tell me what’s got you all worked up.” > “I said it doesn’t mater Leena.” said Kevin as he sat down up against the outside of the base.
Tsuneo: If it doesn’t matter, why is the whole fic about it?
> “And why not?” > “Because.”
Dan [Kevin]: I have backstory angst!
> “Your hopeless.” > “Whatever.”
Dan [Kevin]: Angst I say! Angst!
> Off in the distance, something was heading towards the base.
Tsuneo: Isn’t this how we started? Rick: Great. The fic’s lapped itself.
> “Should I go get everyone Kevin?” > “No, it’s only a Gustav with an item for me.”
Dan [Kevin]: My Tali’zora live doll. Ever since Kensuke got one, I’ve been so jealous.
> “Where’d you get the money?”
Rebecca: Given Kev’s degree of morality so far, I have no doubt that he steals it form old grannies for laughs.
> “I have a bank account set up that Doc can’t touch. He’s been trying to get money from me ever since > he learned about it.” > “Good way to keep a good sum of money around.” > “How do you think those Zoid parts are paid for?” > “Never thought about it.”
Dan [Kevin]: I mean, it’s not like I’m breaking into Leena’s room while she sleeps and selling both her used underwear and clippings of her hair on the internet at all. Gods no. Why would you think that I’d do something like that, when it’s clear that I haven’t? I mean, if you had, by a freak of chance, happened to find any such auctions run by a ‘BigKevDarkSpiner’, there’s no way that it’s me at all. Definitely.
> Everyone had come outside to see what the Gustav had brought.
Tsuneo: This is like some crazy Zoid version of Christmas, I guess. Rick: So is Terry Pratchett going to turn up with a plucked robot turkey?
> “Alright Doc, what’d you buy this time?” asked Jamie.
Rick [Doc]: Ten metric tons of ping-pong balls. You never know when you might need them.
> “I ordered it, not Doc.
Tsuneo: Whether that’s an improvement or not is another matter.
> And don’t worry about the Blitz Team’s savings, this came out of my own pocket.”
Rebecca: I bet he’s insanely wealthy to boot, and everyone will end up talking about it ad infinitum.
> “That reminds me Kevin, there was a part I saw that-” > “For the thousandth time Doc, I not giving you any money.” > “Ohhhhh...”
Tsuneo: Kevin-grade comedy. We keep repeating it until you like it.
> “So what’d you order Kevin?”
Rick [Kevin]: Ten metric tons of squash balls. Ha!
> “Nothing I ordered, it’s something I own, more like an old friend.”
Dan: [Kevin] I got my own mail-order Russian bride! Rick: [Bit] But it says here she only plays Masterbook.
> Kevin said, a smile appearing on his face. Everyone looked at him weirdly.
[They all look sideways at the screen]
> “So what is it already?” asked Leena. > “Open the container.” Kevin said to the Gustav driver. > The container opened to reveal a
Rick [Excited]: Godkaiser!
> Shield Liger.
Rick: Damn. Rebecca: It’s never Godkaiser.
> “This was my first Zoid.”
> “I thought you said your first Zoid was totaled.”
Rebecca: Well, that’s what he put on the insurance claim.
> “I did Bit, but the Zoid core remained intact, so I poured any amount of money into repairing it.”
Tsuneo: He had to cut off Grandma’s life support to afford it, but it was worth every cent.
> “Sounds like you really like this Zoid.” > “It was my first Zoid altogether. It was a gift from my parents.
Dan: True, the paint’s peeling, the seats are torn, the windows are grimy, it’s full of rust, it leaks, it gets terrible mileage and it smells funny. But it’s his now!
> That’s why I just had to get it repaired.” > “So is this why you where in such a bad mood? Because this reminded you of your parents?”
Dan [Kevin]: My parents? Rebecca [Leena]: You know, the ones who were killed by the Backdraft. Dan [Kevin]: Who? Rebecca [Leena]: Mum and dad? Raised you? Gave you life? All that? Dan [Kevin]: Not ringing any bells here Rebecca [Leena]: Gave you the Liger? Dan [Kevin]: Oh yeah! Them!
> “Sort of...I’ll tell you after the battle this afternoon.” > “What, you plan to use your Shield Liger in the battle?”
Dan: [Bit] Wait, we have a battle? Rick: [Kevin] Oh yeah, and I wagered all your Zoids on it too.
> “You got a problem with that?” > “No.”
Tsuneo: Kevin dictates every aspect of their lives. All must obey him!
> After the battle that afternoon everyone was amazed at how well that Kevin had handled the Shield > Liger
All: Of course!
> and that when the battle was over the Shield Liger EVOLVED. Into a Blade Liger no less.
Rebecca: Really, at this point, all reality is lining up to just hand things to Big Kev on a silver platter.
> “How’d did the Shield Liger become a Blade Liger like that Kevin?” > “It’s simple Leena, as a Zoid battle’s it gains experience, and after a while, it will use that experience to > evolve.
Dan: Was this fic was written by transcribing a play through of Pokemon Emerald? Rick: Next chapter’s gonna have a Zeekdober called Bitchcakes.
> Just like Kevin's Shield Liger. It probably had quite a bit of experience, so this last bit allowed it > to evolve.” > “Ok...” > “She ain’t followin’ you Doc.”
Rebecca: She’s not the only one.
> “Ok, You know how we learn Leena?” > “Yeah...” > “Well, Kevin’s Shield Liger used what it learned to become the Blade Liger.”
Tsuneo: I hope this is important to the rest of the fic. Otherwise this is a chunk of my life that I’m never going to get back.
> “OH, I get it. Hey Kevin, you said you’d tell us what had you so mad earlier.” > “Right, you know how I said my family’s been dead for about a year?” > “Uh huh...”
Rebecca: Here it comes, folks. Backstory infodump of death.
> “Well, the Backdraft are the ones that killed them. I knew where a few of their more important bases > where, and they didn’t want anyone to know what I knew.
Tsuneo: The thought occurs that if you had this vital information then you should have gone to the authorities with it. Rebecca: But then he wouldn’t have backstory angst.
> They decided to kill me when I was at home, > but when they attacked, I was away ordering a part I needed badly.
Rick: [Kevin] They didn’t even check if I was there! Boy did they have egg on their faces.
> My whole town was burnt to the ground
Dan: And this is gonna sound dumb, but weren’t the Backdraft about illegal Zoid fights, betting rings and skimming the profits from black-market videos? Rick: Yep. Dan: So, and this is gonna sound dumber, how does erasing a village from the map help that? Rick: In so far as it brings unneeded attention to them and encourages harsher responses to their activities. Dan: …thought so.
> By the Backdraft’s ‘removal’ team, The Genocide Team.
Rick: The Mass-Murdering Serial Puppy-Kicker team Rebecca: lead by Hitler McKillBad
> There are three people on the team > and they all pilot Geno Saurers. They totaled my entire town, for no reason because I wasn’t there.
Tsuneo: This is that whole law-enforcement vacuum thing you were talking about, right? Rick: Yep. Perfect example.
> I swore I’d get revenge, and my chance is going to come-tomorrow.
Dan [Doc]: Tomorrow’s a public holiday. Rick [Kevin]: I swore I’d get revenge, and my chance is going to come- the day after tomorrow. Weather permitting.
> I found this out last night. The team > leader had sent me an email saying they were coming to finish the job, in two days.
Tsuneo: And not to sound stupid, but why didn’t you tell anyone this rather than sitting on it and stewing? I think that your team-mates should know when there’s a team of armed killers coming after one of them. Rebecca: Kevin lives in a world without consequences where he can do whatever he wants. Rick: Law enforcement vacuum!
> And tomorrow is the day they come.
Rick: Tomorrow, when the war began.
> That’s why I was so pissed.”
Rebecca: That and the fact that he’d been putting away beers since noon.
> “Well, we’ll help you then. Right guy’s?” said Bit
Rick: [Brad] Tomorrow, wow, gee, there’s this thing… Tsuneo: [Jamie] Dentist appointment. You know how it is. Rebecca: [Leena] I have to, uh, wash my hair. Dan: [Bit] Guys?
> and everyone agreed they’d help. > “No, I don’t want any help, this is my battle. No one else’s.”
Tsuneo: [Kevin] Your shallow fawning accomplishes nothing!
> “But Kevin, you said each one has a Geno Saurer.” > “Spiner and I can handle them easily.” > “Whatever you say Kevin.”
Tsuneo [Kevin]: This is my opportunity to grandstand and show off how awesome I am! Rebecca: Self-sacrifice and friendship be damned.
> “You guy’s can come and watch, but keep your distance and be ready to put the Hover Cargo’s shield > up. Things are probably going to get ugly.” > “How ugly?”
Dan: Meatloaf at a buffet ugly
> “Lets put it this way Leena, all four Zoids are equipped with charged particle guns.” > “Right...”
Rick: Do you have any idea what that means? Dan: They make fancy neem sounds and it all goes sparkly? Rick: Exactly!
> “I’m going to make sure Spiner’s FULLY functional.”
Tsuneo: He’s even going to fix that annoying squeak in the pilot’s seat.
> “Ok.” everyone said.
All: [Monotone] We lack distinction.
> “Tomorrow is the day I get my revenge. You ready Spiner?”
Dan [Rough]: I quit! Rick [Kevin]: Oh well… how about you, Blade Liger? Dan [Rough]: Bugger this, I’m off too.
> Spiner let out a roar that rattled the base. > “That what I thought, Blade I hope you don’t mind sittin’ out. I don’t want to have to repair you again.” > Blade let out a reassuring growl. > “I’m glad you understand.”
Rick [Gruff]: Hello? Do I have a reason to exist? Am I here for a purpose? What is the point of my life? Why did you call me into existence? Rebecca: I have two theories. Tsuneo: Oh, this will be good. Rebecca: The first is that the Blade Liger will be a vital, if poorly-written, dues ex machine in the forthcoming battle, serving as Kevin’s salvation after his Zoid is damaged or disabled. Tsuneo: Probable, but it depends on Kev actually losing a fight. Rebecca: I figured as much, which brings me to my second idea; Kev put it in so his character could be even cooler. Tsuneo: Regrettably, that is far more likely to be the case.
> Everyone watched Kevin work on Spiner and talk to his Zoids.
> “I can’t help but to feel sorry for Kevin. He lost his family because of himself. I wish he’d let us help.”
Tsuneo: Brad and Jamie were engaged in fierce debate as to whether to lament their lack of airtime or be thankful that they rarely fell under Kevin’s baleful gaze.
> “Don’t worry Leena, Kevin asked me to load everyone’s Zoid just in case.” > “That’s nice to know. At least he’ll accept help if he needs it.”
Tsuneo: So I’m figuring that at this point, their ‘help’ will be limited to running in and then getting squashed so that Big Kev can save them too.
> Kevin was taking a shower being that he worked up a sweat working on Spiner. About halfway through > his shower, Kevin heard the door open.
Dan: It was some big fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls haircut and only one nostril.
> “Bit, I told you I’m using the shower.”
Rebecca: Why must this fic keep coming back to Kev in the shower? Rick: So you can be grateful for the lack of description? Rebecca: Thanks a bunch.
> “It’s not Bit Kevin.” > “Leena?”
Rebecca: I’m surprised he can tell the difference. Tsuneo: What, no joke about Kevin wanting Bit to walk in on him in the shower? Rebecca: At this point, I’m beyond caring enough to make the effort.
> Kevin said, his head popping out from behind the shower door. “Hang on a sec.” Kevin said as > he turned off the shower. He stuck his head back out to find his robe to find Leena holding it out to him. > He came out of the shower a minute later.
Dan: Don’t miss a moment of the scintillating action that is The Dark Spiner!
> “What’s up Leena?” > “It’s about your battle tomorrow.” > “Yes?”
Rebecca [Leena]: When they kill you, can I have your stuff?
> “Why don’t you have the Zoid battle commission deal with the Genocide Team?” > “Because it’s my fight not theirs.”
Tsuneo [Kevin]: Because due process and the criminal justice system are for *Watch your language!*!
> “Then why won’t you let us help?” > “I just told you why.” said Kevin, leaning up against the wall.
Rebecca: Showboating, grandstanding, the desire to show how awesome he is and stomp all over the canon cast. We went over this.
> “Then could you at least promise me one thing?” > “What?”
Tsuneo: Never write any fanfic again, ever.
> “Come back alive tomorrow?” > “Sure.” > “Thanks.” > “Why do you care so much about me and my fight tomorrow?”
Dan: Because when it’s done, the fic’s over!
> “Because your the nicest person I’ve ever met.
Rick: I didn’t realize that Leena knew so many other sociopaths.
> I don’t want to lose you.” > “There’s more to it than that isn’t there?” Kevin said, smiling his lopsided smile.
Tsuneo: Kevin would regret getting that facelift for the rest of his life.
> Leena blinked in disbelief. “What do you mean?” > “You like me don’t you?”
All: We don’t.
> Leena seemed to shrink. “Yes...” > “Thought so.” said Kevin. He leaned forward and kissed Leena on the forehead. “Don’t worry I’ll come > back alive tomorrow. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish my shower.” > “K”
Dan: Wow. This makes the ‘romantic’ dialogue in Delta look brilliant by comparison.
> Leena walked out of the Bathroom and into her bedroom with butterflies in her stomach.
Rick: It wasn’t Kevin’s kiss, but the bean burrito she’d just wolfed down doing it.
> When she got > in she let out a joyful scream. Everyone in the base looked up from what they were doing wondering > what it was all about.
Rebecca [Leena]: He’s going to get himself killed! Awesome!
> The Dark Spiner - Part VIII (The Battle Begins) > By: Dark Spiner > ___________________________________________________
> The day had come. The battle of the century was about to begin.
Rick: Ninjas versus Pirates versus Monkeys versus Robots versus Zombies!
> Everyone was watching nervously.
Dan: Twenty *yens* on the newcomer!
> Even the Zoid Battle Commission was watching, eager to
Tsuneo: -intervene and shut down this obviously illegal battle against a team of wanted and dangerous mass-murderers. Rick: Law enforcement vacuum, buddy.
> see the outcome. Kevin’s hazel eyes gleamed in anticipation.
Rick: This just in, Kevin has hazel eyes! Tsuneo: We have description, folks. Treasure it.
> The Spiner was facing the Geno Saurers.
Dan: They sure aren’t getting any prettier, are they?
> “When are they going to start?” asked Brad.
Rick: They have to blow an episode on staredowns, power-ups and flaring auras.
> “No idea.” Almost as if Doc was he cue for the battle to start, the four Zoids roared to life. The middle > Geno Saurer preped it’s charged particle gun,
Dan: Charged Particle Man, Charged Particle Man. Doing the things a Charged Particle Can.
> while the other two spread out and started firing on the > Spiner to keep it pinned. The Spiner was already gone from the spot it had been in as soon as the > Saurers moved. Kevin was after the one that had gone left. The two Zoids went into a close combat > brawl.
Rebecca: Once again, the bad guy tactics amount to ‘stand there and let Kevin kill them’.
> The other two Saurers had just stopped, deciding two take Kevin on one at a time.
Tsuneo: Following the time-honoured traditions of martial arts film badguys everywhere: come at the hero one at a time to get beat up.
> Spiner had suffer little damage yet, so Kevin surmised he was fighting the weakest pilot.
Rebecca: In a stunning turn of events, he fights their middle-range pilot second, and goes after their best pilot last.
> Kevin had already ripped off one hand and severely damaged the rest of the Zoid.
Dan: In return, the Genosaurer had given him a boo-boo on his pinkie. Rick: I like it when a fight is written with a degree of tension and balance, where it’s uncertain as to what might happen and who will win. And this isn’t it at all.
> “Time to finish this!” shouted Kevin as the Spiner latched on to the Geno Saurer’s and twisted. The > Geno Saurer fell over, damaged beyond belief.
Dan: Why you kill me so easily?
> Kevin aimed Spiner’s shoulder guns at the Zoid and finished what was left.
Rebecca: Overkill much, Kevin? Tsuneo: Nothing will stop him from dispensing vigilante justice! Rick: Wouldn’t it be funny if the ‘Genocide Team’ was actually a collective name for a whole bunch of different pilots and Zoids, and they simply rotate the members as needed, both to share the load and to cover up the true strength of the team? And as a result, the ‘Genocide Team’ that Kev’s facing here are nothing to do with the ones who killed his village? Rebecca: Funny? Yes. An interesting idea? Possibly. What I’d do? Definitely. In this fic? No way.
> “Unreal!” said Jamie, speaking for everyone in the Hover Cargo.
Rick: Duuuude! That is totally radical! I am majorly flipping out right now!
> “He took down a Geno Saurer in 1 minute! That can’t be possible!” > “Apparently, Kevin is much better than he ever let on to us. Few Zoids can even stand up to a Geno > Saurer. He took one down in 60 seconds.”
Tsuneo: Not to burst your bubble, but Vega beat three Genosaurs in less than a minute. Rick: And they were piloted by ninjas. Dan: With pot plants.
> “This is no time to be impressed Doc.” > “So your not impressed with what just happened?” > “Well, I, uh...” > “Gottca!” Everyone just sighed.
Tsuneo: Please, fic. Please never do this again.
> Back on the battle field, Kevin was approaching his next opponent.
Rebecca: The last guy was sipping tea and catching up on the gossip mags.
> His next opponent started > advancing and suddenly kicked on his engines. Kevin was caught completely off guard and knocked off > his feet.
Rick: Somebody landed a hit! [They all gasp]
> When the Spiner got back up, the Saurer had started to come around again. Kevin filled his > path with gunfire. The Saurer took a few hits but dodged most of the assault. Kevin realized that the > pilot knew close combat won’t work, so Kevin started to run along side the Geno Saurer he was fighting. > Each Zoid started firing on one another, each staying one step ahead of the other’s fire.
Rebecca: Which put Kevin at a massive disadvantage, since his weapons are fixed forward, while the Genosaurer’s guns are turreted with a full three-sixty degree arc of fire. When you have two machines of similar speed and mobility as you do here, the advantage goes to whoever can better bring their guns to bear on the other. Rick: Yeah, but Kev has magic space bullets that can do anything. Rebecca: Also true.
> The Genocide > team’s leader realized Kevin was a much better pilot than they thought. He figured he’d be the only one > left on his team.
Tsuneo: Or you could have pressed your numbers advantage, surrounded Kevin, created overlapping fields of fire, tried to cut off his escape routes and minimize the amount of exposure any one of you has at any given time so that Kev is slowly worn down while being unable to bring his weapons to bear. Rebecca: To be fair, thinking tactics in Zoids fic full stop is futile. Only a few writers do it, and they’re the ones who are trying too hard.
> At the ZBC... > “I’ve never seen a battle like this.” > “Me neither.” > “It’s unreal.”
Rick [Voice 1]: Who are we? Dan [Voice 2]: I have no idea.
> “The Geno Saurer and the Dark Spiner, two of the most powerful Zoids ever built. This will be a colossal > battle. The fate of Zi rests in this battle’s hands.
Tsuneo: It does?
> Those two Zoids have enough power to destroy the planet.”
Tsuneo: They do?
> “Your not serious Mr. Chairmen. Those Zoids there could destroy the planet?” > “I’m afraid I am serious.”
Dan [Chairman]: I’m also high as a kite right now.
> Everyone turned back to the monitors and watched in silence.
Rick: Blow up the world, you say? Dan [Chairman]: Yep. Rick: You sure about that? Dan [Chairman]: Yes, dammit!
> Each Zoid had taken roughly the same amount of damage. Kevin realized this fight needed to be > finished fast, he still had the team leader to deal with. He preped the Spiner for a charged particle gun > attack. The Geno Saurer stood still for a minute, not realizing what was going to happen. When the pilot > figured it out, he turned and ran. He was to late though. Kevin had fired the shot. When the blast hit, the > Geno Saurer started to melt away, pilot and all.
Rebecca: There you go. Kev’s opponents stand there and let him kill them. The fic out and said it. Rick: So, reckon the fact that he just killed a man will have any effect on him at all? Tsuneo: Kevin has all the emotional depth of wet cardboard. I don’t think anything effects him.
> ‘Two down and one to go...’ Kevin thought. The Spiner turned to the last Geno Saurer. He brushed > some of his brownish-black hair
Rick: Brownish-black hair! Kevin now has hair and eye colours! Dan: Whoah hold on there fic! Don’t get all crazy with drowning us in details!
> out of his eyes and wiped the sweat off his brow. > “This is where it ends Zephyr.” Kevin said. > “I agree.” said Zephyr.
Dan: Mano e mano. Rick: Hasta la vista. Tsuneo: There can be only one. Rebecca: Two men enter, one man leaves. Rick: Hey Rebecca, can’t we- Rebecca: You complete that line…
> “Who’s Zephyr?”
Tsuneo: Yeah, you know what? I was about to ask that myself.
> “You got me Leena. Guess Kevin knows him from somewhere.”
Rick: They met online. Both convinced the other they were a skanky Asian gamer girl who wanted to hear all about their Naruto fic. When they finally met it was awkward.
> Kevin’s face appeared on the com. “Yeah, I know him from somewhere. He was an old friend. ‘Was’ is > the key word.” > “So your fighting your old friend?” > “Yeah.” > “Why?” > “I’ll tell you some other time.”
Dan: At a guess, I’d say that it’s something to do with their blowing up his village. Rick: I dunno, I wouldn’t want to risk committing myself and looking like an idiot afterwards.
> Zephyr knew that the only way to beat Kevin was with his own charged particle gun.
Rebecca: Or you could use the Genosaurer’s longer reaching, more mobile secondary weapons to flank Kevin and take him out while he’s immobilized himself to fire. Just saying.
> What he didn’t expect was
Rick: The Spanish Inquisition!
> Kevin had thought the same thing. His Zoid was preping it’s gun too.
Dan: This is gonna end up like Duck Dodgers, isn’t it?
> “Guess we’re going to see whose charged particle gun is stronger.” > “Guess so.”
Rebecca: So, touching dicks. Yep.
> Both Zoids fired at one another.
Tsuneo: Annihilating each other and killing their pilots. The end.
> By: Dark Spiner > ___________________________________________________
> Both Zoids had fired upon one another. The beams rammed each other and formed a huge energy ball. > The surrounding area started to shake violently.
Dan: Versus fireball war! HADOKEN! Rick: HADOKEN! Dan: HADOKEN! Rick: HADOKEN! Dan: HADOKEN! Rick: HADOKEN! Tsuneo: Okay, we get the picture. Rebecca: I don’t know. It’s more entertaining than the fic.
> “Jamie, put up the shield!” > “Right Doc!” The Hover Cargo’s shield was raised just in time. A second later and the Hover Cargo > would have been vaporized. > “Unbelievable Doc, the energy the two of them are putting off is way off the scale!” > “How much off the scale?”
Rebecca: It goes all the way… to eleven and a half! Rick: No way!
> “Way past that of a Death Saurer.”
Dan: Evilness rated in KiloVaders.
> “Back the Hover Cargo up. We won’t last this long right here.” > “Right.”
> “Your Geno Saurer is pretty strong Zephyr.” > “Same goes for your Dark Spiner Kevin.”
Rebecca: Just to reiterate: touching dicks.
> “You won’t leave this alive Zephyr.”
Dan: You’re petulant, but not concentrated enough!
> “Neither will you.”
Rebecca: Oh, just make out already! Tsuneo: I thought you were spent? Rebecca: Late-game surge.
> said Zephyr as the power of the Geno Saurer’s blast increased.
Rick: All the way to ludicrous speed!
> “Doubtful.” said Kevin as his left hand played across the control panel, increasing the power of his own > blast.
Rick: I’m sure there are some laws of physics not being grossly violated in this scene. Maybe.
> “Jamie, deploy the anchors!”
Dan: Hoist the mainsail! Swab the poopdeck! Batten down the hatches! Something or another the mizzenmast!
> “On it!” The Hover Cargo was being thrown around by the fight, even though they were miles away.
Rebecca: By this point, the shockwaves should have thrown both Zoids off their feet, if not sent them sprawling or dashed them to pieces.
> Everyone looked at the image of the fight and watched in amazement as the energy ball grew in size. > “Doc, how can this be possible?”
Tsuneo: At a guess, I’d say ‘not at all’
> “Your guess is as good as mine Jamie. Usually two charged particle guns cancel each other out.” > “Then why aren’t they canceling each other out?”
Rebecca: Particle physics do not work that way! Good night!
> “It only works with certain Zoids, I guess the Geno Saurer and the Dark Spiner can’t cancel each other > out.”
Dan: I’m just going to throw wild ideas out here. Just admitted I don’t know why my fic is like this. Really, I got nothing.
> The energy ball kept growing, pushing the two Zoids farther apart. > “Your gonna’ pay for what you did to me a year ago Zephyr!” > “If I’m going, then I’m taking you with me.”
Rick [Zephyr]: There’s a two-for-one deal which pretty much makes it cheaper for me to travel with a partner then on my own. Between the seating and the other discounts, I’m coming out ahead, Kev.
> “You wish!” The two Zoids were under major stress. Multiple alarms were going off in both Zoids.
Tsuneo: The implausibility alarm being but one of them.
> “Come on, Spiner hang on.” Spiner let out a roar that Kevin took as a ‘Don’t worry about me’.
Rick: When in fact it said ‘Don’t drag me into this, monkey boy.’
> Kevin increased the power of his gun again.
Dan: He set it to ‘Now this is just getting silly’.
> “I didn’t expect you to last this long Kevin.
Rebecca: I… nope. Too easy.
>You do realize that we could destroy all of Zi doing this?” > “I know. But it’s your fault we’re here doing this.” > “So?”
Tsuneo: I should be alarmed about his blatant disregard for everyone else’s lives in the name of his personal revenge, but that would require me to care. Rick: I thought that was Zephyr speaking. Tsuneo: I… I have no idea.
> “You bastard...”
Dan [Kevin]: Jerk Rick [Zephyr]: Jerk.
> Both Zoids increased the power of their guns again.
Dan [Jeremy Clarkson]: POWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
> The energy ball had become so big that the entire western hemisphere could see it.
Rebecca: Yeah, you know what? Any sense whatsoever left the room long ago.
> People were starting to panic, not knowing what it was.
> The people at the Zoid battle commission were starting to panic themselves. Even the Chairmen was > starting to get nervous.
Rick [Chairman]: I wet ‘em.
> “Chairmen, if this goes on, there won’t be anything left of Zi. We have to stop them. > “If we could stop them, I would have given the order and gotten support from the Empire and Republic. > The thing is, there isn’t a Zoid on Zi that could stop this battle. Not even the Ultra Saurus could survive > that.”
Tsuneo: Or you could get a bunch of flyers to simply hit the pair of them from above and behind where they can’t retaliate. Just saying.
> “So our fate is in their hands?”
Rebecca: We’re so screwed.
Rebecca: Turns out Kevin is the answer to everything after all. Tsuneo: Seriously? Rebecca: Go on, try it. Tsuneo: Okay, um… How do you make beef jerky? Rebecca: Kevin. Tsuneo: What’s the formula to determine the surface area of a sphere? Rebecca: Kevin. Tsuneo: Which was the first ancient civilization to deploy iron weapons? Rebecca: Kevin. Tsuneo: Wow, it works.
> “It Ends NOW Zephyr!”
Rick It’s Over! Finished! Dan: But what chance, then, do we have? Rick: It’s a whole world of pain! Dan: Can I do no less? Rick: He will die, screaming! Dan: I never did want to live forever! Tsuneo: Okay you two, cut that out. Rick: It never ends!
[Tsuneo and Rebecca bash them both with cushions]
Rick: Totally worth it.
> Kevin increased the power of his gun to as high as it would go, knowing that the > Geno Saurer couldn’t put out anymore energy.
Tsuneo: And then Zephyr turned his gun up and Kev turned his gun up and so on ad infinitum. Dan: Yeah, this got tired several years back.
> Kevin opened a channel to the Hover Cargo. > “I’m sorry Leena. I couldn’t keep my promise.” Kevin said just before the com went dead
Rick [Kevin]: I’m sorry miss Toros… I won’t be able to take you to the beach like I promised.
> “Kevin, WAIT!!!” Leena looked out the view port and saw that both Zoids were no longer visible. The > energy ball had become a raging explosion that extended miles into the atmosphere. The blast was > visible from space
Tsuneo: I’m sort of surprised that it took this long to get into DBZ country myself.
> and on almost all of Zi.
Rebecca: Curvature of the planet be damned!
> Any place that didn’t see the explosion felt the shockwave.
Tsuneo: Yes, they’re tearing the whole bloody planet apart in the name of their *Watch your language!*-waving contest! Rebecca: *Watch your language!*-touching contest. Tsuneo: Thank you. That makes it so much better.
> Some how, the Hover cargo had survived the blast. When the smoke cleared, a crater that had to be at > least 10 miles across was visible.
Dan: You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
> “Jamie, is there any activity in there?” asked Leena, on the verge of tears. > “I’m not reading anything, not even a single scrap of metal.”
Rick: It’s deader than a Warhammer Online server.
> “You mean Kevin’s gone?” > “I wish I was wrong, but it doesn’t look like I am.”
[They all cheer]
> “No...” Leena said weakly. She ran out of the Hover Cargo and to the edge of the crater.
Dan: Reckon it’s radioactive down there? Rick: We can only hope.
> She looked > through the binoculars that she had grabbed. She couldn’t find anything. She called Kevin’s name a few > times. Nothing. There was nothing anywhere in the crater. She sat down, and saw a small scrap of > metal next to her.
Dan: I thought there wasn’t a single scrap of metal left? Tsuneo: Shh! Don’t nitpick and it’ll be over faster
> She recognized it. It had belonged to the Spiner.
Rick: Nothing else is that colour, save for crusty toothpaste.
> She held it to her chest, crying. She > gathered her composure, got up and walked back to the Hover Cargo. She found everyone still in the > control room.
Dan: [Bit] Yeah, we didn’t have any cues, so we just stood here.
> “Find anything Leena?” asked Bit. > “Yes.” she held out her hand and showed everyone the piece of metal that had belonged to the Spiner. > “How do we tell Kevin’s Blade Liger?
Rebecca: That’s true. How do you tell a non-sentient mechanical animal that it’s owner died?
> On top of that, how do you say one of the greatest Zoid warriors in history is gone?”
Rick: Scrooge McDuck died? No way!
> “I don’t know dad. Can we just go home?”
Rebecca [Leena]: After all, I called dibs on his stuff.
> As the Hover Cargo left, the wind picked up. It blew away the dust that had gathered at the edges of the > crater. Something metallic started moving.
Tsuneo [Bored]: Oh look, Kevin is alive. That is such a shock. Rebecca: Normally, I’d be against such spoilers in a title, but, well, I think only a blind deaf comatose lobotomy patient wouldn’t have seen this coming.
> By: Dark Spiner > ___________________________________________________
> Planet Zi was in an uproar.
Rick: Someone had eaten the last papadum.
> Both Kevin and Zephyr had perished in their Zoid battle. Two of the greatest Zoid warriors in history, > were gone.
Rebecca: Whoever they were. Probably collateral damage from the explosion that took out Big Kev and Zeph.
> Kevin in his Dark Spiner, Zephyr in his Geno Saurer.
Rick: Columbo in his old Peugeot.
> Leena had been going around eliminating the Backdraft remnants with extreme prejudice.
Tsuneo: …so Leena’s campaign of blood-soaked vengeance happens off-screen? Rebecca: It doesn’t involve Kevin, so it doesn’t matter. Tsuneo: Silly me.
> The only reason she had stopped was > because they had announced the date of Kevin’s funeral. It was to be held in a military cemetery, under > an Ultrasaurus, 2 Gojalus, and Kevin’s Blade Liger.
Rick: Hey look, the Blade Liger’s finally contributing to the fic.
> At the funeral... > “It’s not fair, why’d he have to die?” Leena said, crying.
Rebecca: Because he was a stupid, selfish, pig-headed jerk who decided to disregard your help in the name of stroking his own ego and got himself killed for being too dumb and arrogant to admit his mistake.
> “Don’t worry Honey, I’m here for you.” > “Can It Harry!” Leena said, turning normal for a moment to hit Harry. > Hundreds of teams came to pay their respects. The Zabers, Lightning, Fluegal, Vipers, and many more. > Even Vega Obscura showed up.
Rick: A-and Superman was there to deliver the Eulogy! And his casket was made out of solid gold… no, platinum! And they got, uh… Dragons of Doom to play! Yeah! And it was carried by a dozen men, and the headstone is so big it can be seen from space and is the most expensive building ever!
> When the funeral had gotten under way, even the political ‘bigwigs’ were amazed at the turn out. > Seems Kevin had touched the lives of more than they’d expected.
Tsuneo: How is anyone’s guess as he’d just shown up out of nowhere one day.
> The ZBC Chairman had stepped up to a podium and started speaking.
Dan: [Chairman] Folks, Kevin. Any questions?
> “Today we have gathered to mourn the death of one of the greatest Zoid warriors in history...” he > started.
Rick [Chairman]: Earnest Borgnine was a man of many talents, Zoid piloting was but one.
> Leena was having a very hard time controlling herself.
Rebecca: And this is any different to normal because…
> She had known Kevin only a few months, fallen > in love with him, and then lost him. She wondered why this happened to her.
Tsuneo: Because she was stuck in a crappy fanfic.
> She couldn’t believe it when she found out about Kevin’s past and his decision about his battle.
Dan: She couldn’t believe that anyone could be that willingly stupid. Rebecca: Yeah, he could teach you lessons about it, Dan. Ran: Yeah, he… wait, what?
> She knew he had a little mean streak in him,
Tsuneo: And by that we mean that he was a trigger-happy psycho who threatened people with lethal force as a response to a practical joke.
> but what happened was totally unexpected.
Rebecca: And made no sense at all.
> Bit glanced over at Leena. He knew Kevin’s death had hit her hard, but he didn’t know how hard it hit > until she went renegade.
Rick: Leena Toros is a renegade loose-cannon cop on the edge.
> Bit had wanted revenge too, but Leena had pretty much destroyed what was left of the Backdraft,
Tsuneo: Just take our word for this. It really happened!
> and what was left had hidden themselves as best they could, fearing Leena’s wrath.
Dan: So these feared Backdraft remnants were wiped out by a single pilot in a light Zoid.
> He felt so sorry for her.
Rebecca: It’s us you should be feeling sorry for.
> The ZBC Chairman had finished his speech and given the podium to the Republic president.
Rick: [President] I’m not actually the president. Kevin won 283% of the popular vote, but gave me the job so he could “Go kick arse.”
> The Guylos emperor was the last to speak.
Rick: [Emporer] Kevin has been a close personal friend of mine since he saved all thirty-six of my daughters from a rampaging Death Star.
> Kevin’s casket was being lowered when the Ultrasaurus and 2 Gojalus started a 21 gun salute.
Tsuneo: I wonder if the taxpayers know how their money is being used here.
> As the 21st shot was fired and Kevin’s casket was lowered in > completely, someone’s voice could be heard in the distance.
Rick: [Deep] Hi folks, God here. Just wanted to pop by and say how awesome Kevin is.
> A Zoid could be seen off in the distance, with someone sitting on top of it.
Dan: The Road Warrior. His dog was next to him
> “Hey, don’t forget about me!” the person shouted.
Rick [Singing]: Don’t you forget about me… Rebecca: Tragically, we’re at the stage where any 80s pop would be an improvement. Any.
> “That voice sounds familiar.” mumbled Leena.
Dan [Tommy Weisau]: Oh hai thar funeral, how’s it going? Rebecca: -but not Tommy Wesiau. You still die for that. Dan: Don’t care. Bring it.
> As the Zoid neared, it started to resemble an extremely damaged Dark Spiner.
Rebecca: In fact, it was a factory-fresh Yugo.
> “It can’t be...” said the ZBC chairman. A hushed murmur fell across the gathered crowd.
Rick: Then someone farted.
> “What, I don’t get to attend my own funeral?” the man on top of the Zoid asked mockingly.
Tsuneo: People often do attend their own funerals, just rarely get to say anything about it.
> “KEVIN?!?!” Leena shouted. > “You better believe it!” Kevin had no shirt, in a sense. He had used his shirt to make bandages and a > sling for his left arm.
Rick: So in the last month he hasn’t made any effort to get medical help or contact anyone or the like? He’s just been… what, wandering around aimlessly? Did he even stop to ask for directions?
> The Dark Spiner wasn’t in much better condition. The right arm was gone, and so > was the sail. Most of the armor was gone, and what was left had been melted backwards, causing spike > like shapes all over the remaining armor. Half of the Spiner’s head armor had been destroyed, revealing > the circuitry underneath.
Rebecca: And yet, he still tried to hawk it on E-bay as ‘near mint’.
> Spiner leaned down so Kevin could get off with out adding to his injuries. Dan: And then stepped on him for laughs.
> “Kevin!” Leena cried running towards Kevin. > The entire crowd had stood up and looked at Kevin a look of disbelief on everyone’s face.
Tsuneo: Trust me, they’re not the only ones.
> Leena finally reached Kevin and hugged him tightly. > “AH! Leena, could ya loosen your grip a little, I think all of my ribs are cracked already.” Kevin said, > trying very hard to breathe.
Rebecca [Leena]: I know. That’s why I’m going to hold you very close, and very tight, and keep on holding you closer and tighter.
> “Sorry. How’d you survive?” > “You think we’d go down that easily? You can’t get rid of me Leena.”
Rick: And that’s all the explanation we’ll ever get. Treasure it. Tsuneo: So nobody checked the crater at all? I mean titanic explosion and all that, you’d think they’d want to secure the site in case there was anything dangerous or hazardous or the like in there. Huge explosion and all.
> Leena started crying with joy and everyone was running towards him.
Tsuneo: Really big explosion. Really.
> “But I thought Leena liked me.”
Tsuneo: You know, visible planet wide… Rebecca: Give up, they don’t care.
> “You wish Harry.” Kevin said, throwing what was left of his gun at Harry. He dodged easily.
Dan: Wait, Kevin missed? No way! That’s just too hard to believe!
> “Not Fair.” Harry mumbled.
> The ZBC chairman, Helic president, and Guylos emperor walked up to Kevin. The ZBC chairman spoke > up first.
Dan [Chairman]: You *Watch your language!*.
> “Kevin, you have showed unbelievable skill, not only in battle but also in survival. Your medical > expenses and repair expenses will be paid by the ZBC.”
Rick: We’re still going to bill you for the funeral.
> “Thank you very much Mr. chairman.” Kevin said, his good arm around Leena’s shoulder. > “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I believe I have some other matters to attend to.” Kevin said, nodding slightly > to Leena, who was smiling ear to ear. > “I see...” the chairman said. He raised his voice. “Everyone, I believe we need to turn this into a > celebration!”
All: All hail Kevin!
> A cheer resounded through out the crowd. Kevin kissed Leena on the forehead. She smiled up at him > and returned the kiss.
Dan: [Kevin] Hold up, honey. There’s a queue forming to kiss my ass.
> And so, the Blitz team was reunited, Kevin told the story about his friendship with Zephyr, and how he > survived.
Rick: And the Shriners and the leapers played their ukuleles all day long.
> Harry was crushed to find that Leena didn’t like him. and things were...well...normal. Or were they?
Rick [Ominous]: Or is it? Tsuneo: No, they were pretty much normal Rick [Ominous]: Oh well. Carry on then.
> Somewhere, very far from the festivities, someone watched a vid screen in disgust.
> “Pathetic fools, do they really think this is over?”
Tsuneo: Well, for us, it is. Thank you and good night.
With that comment, the screen switched off, reverting the rest of the world to prose.
Tsuneo sighed. “Even when we don’t get Delta invasion, it still feels like we’re getting Delta Invasion in so many ways.” He shook his head. “Fantastic”
“I’d like to say that it was an improvement, but the fact is that it sucked regardless.” Dan added. “I mean, really, what was up with Big Kev?”
“He was… Big Kev, really.” Rick shrugged. “Gratuitous Self-Insertion Type.”
“And yet, it seemed that the writer identified more with the Zoid then the character some times.” Tsuneo finished. “Yeah, definitely a fic with no redeeming traits.”
“Thanks for the commentary.” The Voice spoke up. “Now as that was the entire fanfic, I’d be interested in getting your reviews of it.”
“Well.” Tsuneo began. “I suppose we should start with the big issue, which is Big Kev himself. Now I could go on about how he is an incredibly shallow character, but that’s pretty much everyone in the fic. Instead, I wanted to look at the way he interacts with the entire universe. Everything in the fic, and I mean everything, came down to talking about how awesome and magnificent Kevin is. It seemed that every chapter, he was getting praise heaped upon him or people were talking about some great accomplishment of his without any precedent.”
“We’ve all heard of Big Kev, even if we’ve never heard of Big Kev.” Rebecca commented.
“Exactly. He starts out as some anonymous stranger with a rare Zoid that nobody’s ever heard of – jokes about clearance isles aside – and ends up being the greatest and most famous warrior on the planet by simple authorial declaration. And don’t get me started on his funeral.”
“The funeral was like every Toad Elevating Moment in Delta at once.” Rick noted. “I thought I’d throw up.”
“Now speaking personally, what got me was that Big Kev never suffers any consequences of his actions.” Dan stated. “He walks up to the Blitz team and stomps all over them and he gets to join their team. He pulls a gun on Leena and it gets laughed off. He assaults and injures Bit and everyone tells Bit that it’s his fault. And then finally he decides to screw the law and get personal vengeance, supposedly risking the fate of the whole world while killing three guys in the process in an illegal battle. The penalty? A huge-arse funeral where the whole planet gushes over how awesome he is.” Dan shook his head. “I gotta tell you, if someone pulled a gun on me and then claimed it was a joke, I’d still punch their lights out. Then demand they get out of my life and out of my team.”
“Law Enforcement Vacuum.” Rick nodded. “It means that you never suffer the consequences of your being a tool.”
“I know I said that thinking about tactics in Zoids fic is futile and probably a quick route to madness, but I have to say that even by those standards, this fic was bad.” Rebecca noted. “The fights pretty much amount to ‘the bad guys stand there and do nothing while Kevin walks all over them.’ There was no effort to make the battles anything other than one-sided stomp-fests aimed at making Big Kev look awesome and the rest of the universe his bitches. Instead, it made him look like a self-important tool who the writer was shoving down our throats.”
“In that last fight, the narration pretty much said that one of the Genosaurs stood there and let Kev kill it.” Tsuneo noted. “Being self-aware is not a good trait in a fic like this.”
“There’s nothing good in a fic like this.” Rick finished. “From a technical writing point of view, it’s terrible, no questions asked. There’s next to no narration or description, and most scenes pass with no idea of what’s going on. The characterization is shallow and it relies on clichés and stock situations to pad things out and assure us that these are indeed the characters we know. I mean, Zoids New Century isn’t exactly the deepest or most philosophical of shows-“
“It was gratuitously shallow toy-promotion anime which at least had the decency to know what it was and not try to be anything but gratuitously shallow toy-promotion anime.” Rebecca stated. “But at least it had fun with it.”
“Exactly.” Rick nodded. “But even by those standards, this was shockingly shallow, with little or no characterization beyond one line sketches. Plus, thanks to the narrative structure, or lack thereof, most of the time you have no idea of what’s happening or who’s talking.”
“So poorly written, terrible narration, shallow, horrible characters and a universe that bends over backwards to accommodate them.” Rebecca finished. “Its almost like Delta Invasion without the angry teenage hormones.”
“Though I’m still kind of happy that it wasn’t Delta.” Tsuneo managed. “I know it sounds mean, but as Rick said, there’s no deeper philosophical messages or underlining themes or the like for the fic to stomp all over.”
“Delta has the amazing ability to make anything better.” Rebecca noted. “By simply existing, it improves every other Fanfic in existence.”
“Terrifying thought, but also probably true.” Rick finished. “So what do you think of my presentation?”
“Well, I-“ Tsuneo began.
“It sucked and made no sense.” Dan cut him off.
“Fair enough” Rick nodded. “But I think I’ll steal it for my next comic anyway.”
“Your ability to take criticism amazes me.” Tsuneo commented.
“You get used to it. Editors exist for a reason, something more fic writers need to realize.” Rick commented as he stood. “So for now, I’m out of here before we get more Kevin then we can take.”
“I suggest that we drown our sorrows in bacon.” Rebecca added as she got up. “Bacon does, after all, make everything better.”
Had things gone differently, this fic would have likely been a part of the Elmer Studios 2003-2004 season. Instead, here it is, a decade later. Regardless, this is a fic I’ve wanted to do for some time. Kevin (alias Big Kev) had become something of a legend amongst parts of the Zoids fandom, like a slightly more G-rated Delta Invasion.
In Canon, the Backdraft group were, as stated, basically an illegal fighting organization that made its money from high-risk betting and video distribution. However, in fanfic and RP, the Backdraft is almost universally used as some sort of evil empire who go around torching villages and killing people for no real reason. Why? I have no idea. It doesn’t help their cause or goals, and likely would detract from it through raising their profile and making them a bigger and more dangerous threat.
Imagine if the first rule of Fight Club was ‘No Witnesses’, and you get the idea of how dumb this is.
Zoids is copyright Tomy-Takara
The Dark Spiner written by Kevin The Dark Spiner
Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis created by Rick R. (natch) Tsuneo Tateao and Dan created by Zogster
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Shock and/or terror? Email us at elmerstudios00 (at) gmail.com and register your Jeff.