War Games

[raykong]

Hey everybody, I just wanted to share my new fanfic with you lot, it’s called ‘War Games,’ and there’s a link provided below. It takes place in the OJR Battle Story continuity, during the First Central Continent War in ZAC 2033 and deals with a battalion of Republican sniper Zoids who are trying to hunt down an enemy Imperial sniper ace.

www.fanfiction.net/s/6236702/1/War_Games

I hate coming off a little like a self-promoting egoist by putting this here, but reviews are coming in kind of slowly for my fic, and it’s really hard to improve upon your writing when there’s no feedback. I’ve spent nearly three months on this, taking my time to improve upon my previous stories (e.g. more proofreading, less melodramatic dialogue etc) and I’d really appreciate some critique on how the story is written. Also for those of you skeptical of fanfiction, there’s no cheesy romance or clunky attempts at slapstick humor nor are there overpowered Zoids and characters who speak like 13-year olds.

The first chapter does admittedly come off a little clumsy but the beginning’s always the hardest part. Again, this isn’t a desperate plea to draw in more readers, it’s just an invitation on my part to improve my writing for my own self and if any of you could take a little bit out of your precious time to read and critique this, I’d really be grateful.

Also for those of you who don’t have a Fanfiction.com account, feel free to post your thoughts here or PM me.

[KAndrw]

Clauses like this are very hard to read:
"Cheap to produce due to their organic origins not requiring as much inorganic materials as actual machines would as well as easy to learn how to pilot"

Try to make your sentences more active, and limit the number of different messages per sentence.

Looking past the occasionally confusing language use, it seems pretty good. I'll try to read through the whole thing over the next few days.

[raykong]

First off, thanks for the critique!

In retrospect, after reading that clause that you quoted, I do agree that it's a bit of a jumble to read coherently. A little bit too much per sentence, I guess. I'll keep that in mind.

Hope you enjoy the rest ;D