> ___________________________________________________
> The Dark Spiner - Part X (Kevin's Alive!)
Tsuneo [Bored]: Oh look, Kevin is alive. That is such a shock.
Rebecca: Normally, I’d be against such spoilers in a title, but, well, I think only a blind deaf comatose lobotomy patient wouldn’t have seen this coming.
> By: Dark Spiner
> ___________________________________________________
> Planet Zi was in an uproar.
Rick: Someone had eaten the last papadum.
> Both Kevin and Zephyr had perished in their Zoid battle. Two of the greatest Zoid warriors in history,
> were gone.
Rebecca: Whoever they were. Probably collateral damage from the explosion that took out Big Kev and
Zeph.
> Kevin in his Dark Spiner, Zephyr in his Geno Saurer.
Rick: Columbo in his old Peugeot.
> Leena had been going around eliminating the Backdraft remnants with extreme prejudice.
Tsuneo: …so Leena’s campaign of blood-soaked vengeance happens off-screen?
Rebecca: It doesn’t involve Kevin, so it doesn’t matter.
Tsuneo: Silly me.
> The only reason she had stopped was
> because they had announced the date of Kevin’s funeral. It was to be held in a military cemetery, under
> an Ultrasaurus, 2 Gojalus, and Kevin’s Blade Liger.
Rick: Hey look, the Blade Liger’s finally contributing to the fic.
> At the funeral...
> “It’s not fair, why’d he have to die?” Leena said, crying.
Rebecca: Because he was a stupid, selfish, pig-headed jerk who decided to disregard your help in the
name of stroking his own ego and got himself killed for being too dumb and arrogant to admit his mistake.
> “Don’t worry Honey, I’m here for you.”
> “Can It Harry!” Leena said, turning normal for a moment to hit Harry.
> Hundreds of teams came to pay their respects. The Zabers, Lightning, Fluegal, Vipers, and many more.
> Even Vega Obscura showed up.
Rick: A-and Superman was there to deliver the Eulogy! And his casket was made out of solid gold… no, platinum! And they got, uh… Dragons of Doom to play! Yeah! And it was carried by a dozen men, and the headstone is so big it can be seen from space and is the most expensive building ever!
> When the funeral had gotten under way, even the political ‘bigwigs’ were amazed at the turn out.
> Seems Kevin had touched the lives of more than they’d expected.
Tsuneo: How is anyone’s guess as he’d just shown up out of nowhere one day.
> The ZBC Chairman had stepped up to a podium and started speaking.
Dan: [Chairman] Folks, Kevin. Any questions?
> “Today we have gathered to mourn the death of one of the greatest Zoid warriors in history...” he
> started.
Rick [Chairman]: Earnest Borgnine was a man of many talents, Zoid piloting was but one.
> Leena was having a very hard time controlling herself.
Rebecca: And this is any different to normal because…
> She had known Kevin only a few months, fallen
> in love with him, and then lost him. She wondered why this happened to her.
Tsuneo: Because she was stuck in a crappy fanfic.
> She couldn’t believe it when she found out about Kevin’s past and his decision about his battle.
Dan: She couldn’t believe that anyone could be that willingly stupid.
Rebecca: Yeah, he could teach you lessons about it, Dan.
Ran: Yeah, he… wait, what?
> She knew he had a little mean streak in him,
Tsuneo: And by that we mean that he was a trigger-happy psycho who threatened people with lethal
force as a response to a practical joke.
> but what happened was totally unexpected.
Rebecca: And made no sense at all.
> Bit glanced over at Leena. He knew Kevin’s death had hit her hard, but he didn’t know how hard it hit
> until she went renegade.
Rick: Leena Toros is a renegade loose-cannon cop on the edge.
> Bit had wanted revenge too, but Leena had pretty much destroyed what was left of the Backdraft,
Tsuneo: Just take our word for this. It really happened!
> and what was left had hidden themselves as best they could, fearing Leena’s wrath.
Dan: So these feared Backdraft remnants were wiped out by a single pilot in a light Zoid.
> He felt so sorry for her.
Rebecca: It’s us you should be feeling sorry for.
> The ZBC Chairman had finished his speech and given the podium to the Republic president.
Rick: [President] I’m not actually the president. Kevin won 283% of the popular vote, but gave me the job so he could “Go kick arse.”
> The Guylos emperor was the last to speak.
Rick: [Emporer] Kevin has been a close personal friend of mine since he saved all thirty-six of my daughters from a rampaging Death Star.
> Kevin’s casket was being lowered when the Ultrasaurus and 2 Gojalus started a 21 gun salute.
Tsuneo: I wonder if the taxpayers know how their money is being used here.
> As the 21st shot was fired and Kevin’s casket was lowered in
> completely, someone’s voice could be heard in the distance.
Rick: [Deep] Hi folks, God here. Just wanted to pop by and say how awesome Kevin is.
> A Zoid could be seen off in the distance, with someone sitting on top of it.
Dan: The Road Warrior. His dog was next to him
> “Hey, don’t forget about me!” the person shouted.
Rick [Singing]: Don’t you forget about me…
Rebecca: Tragically, we’re at the stage where any 80s pop would be an improvement. Any.
> “That voice sounds familiar.” mumbled Leena.
Dan [Tommy Weisau]: Oh hai thar funeral, how’s it going?
Rebecca: -but not Tommy Wesiau. You still die for that.
Dan: Don’t care. Bring it.
> As the Zoid neared, it started to resemble an extremely damaged Dark Spiner.
Rebecca: In fact, it was a factory-fresh Yugo.
> “It can’t be...” said the ZBC chairman. A hushed murmur fell across the gathered crowd.
Rick: Then someone farted.
> “What, I don’t get to attend my own funeral?” the man on top of the Zoid asked mockingly.
Tsuneo: People often do attend their own funerals, just rarely get to say anything about it.
> “KEVIN?!?!” Leena shouted.
> “You better believe it!” Kevin had no shirt, in a sense. He had used his shirt to make bandages and a
> sling for his left arm.
Rick: So in the last month he hasn’t made any effort to get medical help or contact anyone or the like?
He’s just been… what, wandering around aimlessly? Did he even stop to ask for directions?
> The Dark Spiner wasn’t in much better condition. The right arm was gone, and so
> was the sail. Most of the armor was gone, and what was left had been melted backwards, causing spike
> like shapes all over the remaining armor. Half of the Spiner’s head armor had been destroyed, revealing
> the circuitry underneath.
Rebecca: And yet, he still tried to hawk it on E-bay as ‘near mint’.
> Spiner leaned down so Kevin could get off with out adding to his injuries.
Dan: And then stepped on him for laughs.
> “Kevin!” Leena cried running towards Kevin.
> The entire crowd had stood up and looked at Kevin a look of disbelief on everyone’s face.
Tsuneo: Trust me, they’re not the only ones.
> Leena finally reached Kevin and hugged him tightly.
> “AH! Leena, could ya loosen your grip a little, I think all of my ribs are cracked already.” Kevin said,
> trying very hard to breathe.
Rebecca [Leena]: I know. That’s why I’m going to hold you very close, and very tight, and keep on holding
you closer and tighter.
> “Sorry. How’d you survive?”
> “You think we’d go down that easily? You can’t get rid of me Leena.”
Rick: And that’s all the explanation we’ll ever get. Treasure it.
Tsuneo: So nobody checked the crater at all? I mean titanic explosion and all that, you’d think they’d
want to secure the site in case there was anything dangerous or hazardous or the like in there. Huge
explosion and all.
> Leena started crying with joy and everyone was running towards him.
Tsuneo: Really big explosion. Really.
> “But I thought Leena liked me.”
Tsuneo: You know, visible planet wide…
Rebecca: Give up, they don’t care.
> “You wish Harry.” Kevin said, throwing what was left of his gun at Harry. He dodged easily.
Dan: Wait, Kevin missed? No way! That’s just too hard to believe!
> “Not Fair.” Harry mumbled.
> The ZBC chairman, Helic president, and Guylos emperor walked up to Kevin. The ZBC chairman spoke
> up first.
Dan [Chairman]: You *Watch your language!*.
> “Kevin, you have showed unbelievable skill, not only in battle but also in survival. Your medical
> expenses and repair expenses will be paid by the ZBC.”
Rick: We’re still going to bill you for the funeral.
> “Thank you very much Mr. chairman.” Kevin said, his good arm around Leena’s shoulder.
> “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I believe I have some other matters to attend to.” Kevin said, nodding slightly
> to Leena, who was smiling ear to ear.
> “I see...” the chairman said. He raised his voice. “Everyone, I believe we need to turn this into a
> celebration!”
All: All hail Kevin!
> A cheer resounded through out the crowd. Kevin kissed Leena on the forehead. She smiled up at him
> and returned the kiss.
Dan: [Kevin] Hold up, honey. There’s a queue forming to kiss my ass.
> And so, the Blitz team was reunited, Kevin told the story about his friendship with Zephyr, and how he
> survived.
Rick: And the Shriners and the leapers played their ukuleles all day long.
> Harry was crushed to find that Leena didn’t like him. and things were...well...normal. Or were they?
Rick [Ominous]: Or is it?
Tsuneo: No, they were pretty much normal
Rick [Ominous]: Oh well. Carry on then.
> Somewhere, very far from the festivities, someone watched a vid screen in disgust.
> “Pathetic fools, do they really think this is over?”
Tsuneo: Well, for us, it is. Thank you and good night.
> ___________________________________________________
Dan: Goodnight gentle page break.
With that comment, the screen switched off, reverting the rest of the world to prose.
Tsuneo sighed. “Even when we don’t get Delta invasion, it still feels like we’re getting Delta Invasion in so many ways.” He shook his head. “Fantastic”
“I’d like to say that it was an improvement, but the fact is that it sucked regardless.” Dan added. “I mean, really, what was up with Big Kev?”
“He was… Big Kev, really.” Rick shrugged. “Gratuitous Self-Insertion Type.”
“And yet, it seemed that the writer identified more with the Zoid then the character some times.” Tsuneo finished. “Yeah, definitely a fic with no redeeming traits.”
“Thanks for the commentary.” The Voice spoke up. “Now as that was the entire fanfic, I’d be interested in getting your reviews of it.”
“Well.” Tsuneo began. “I suppose we should start with the big issue, which is Big Kev himself. Now I could go on about how he is an incredibly shallow character, but that’s pretty much everyone in the fic. Instead, I wanted to look at the way he interacts with the entire universe. Everything in the fic, and I mean everything, came down to talking about how awesome and magnificent Kevin is. It seemed that every chapter, he was getting praise heaped upon him or people were talking about some great accomplishment of his without any precedent.”
“We’ve all heard of Big Kev, even if we’ve never heard of Big Kev.” Rebecca commented.
“Exactly. He starts out as some anonymous stranger with a rare Zoid that nobody’s ever heard of – jokes about clearance isles aside – and ends up being the greatest and most famous warrior on the planet by simple authorial declaration. And don’t get me started on his funeral.”
“The funeral was like every Toad Elevating Moment in Delta at once.” Rick noted. “I thought I’d throw up.”
“Now speaking personally, what got me was that Big Kev never suffers any consequences of his actions.” Dan stated. “He walks up to the Blitz team and stomps all over them and he gets to join their team. He pulls a gun on Leena and it gets laughed off. He assaults and injures Bit and everyone tells Bit that it’s his fault. And then finally he decides to screw the law and get personal vengeance, supposedly risking the fate of the whole world while killing three guys in the process in an illegal battle. The penalty? A huge-arse funeral where the whole planet gushes over how awesome he is.” Dan shook his head. “I gotta tell you, if someone pulled a gun on me and then claimed it was a joke, I’d still punch their lights out. Then demand they get out of my life and out of my team.”
“Law Enforcement Vacuum.” Rick nodded. “It means that you never suffer the consequences of your being a tool.”
“I know I said that thinking about tactics in Zoids fic is futile and probably a quick route to madness, but I have to say that even by those standards, this fic was bad.” Rebecca noted. “The fights pretty much amount to ‘the bad guys stand there and do nothing while Kevin walks all over them.’ There was no effort to make the battles anything other than one-sided stomp-fests aimed at making Big Kev look awesome and the rest of the universe his bitches. Instead, it made him look like a self-important tool who the writer was shoving down our throats.”
“In that last fight, the narration pretty much said that one of the Genosaurs stood there and let Kev kill it.” Tsuneo noted. “Being self-aware is not a good trait in a fic like this.”
“There’s nothing good in a fic like this.” Rick finished. “From a technical writing point of view, it’s terrible, no questions asked. There’s next to no narration or description, and most scenes pass with no idea of what’s going on. The characterization is shallow and it relies on clichés and stock situations to pad things out and assure us that these are indeed the characters we know. I mean, Zoids New Century isn’t exactly the deepest or most philosophical of shows-“
“It was gratuitously shallow toy-promotion anime which at least had the decency to know what it was and not try to be anything but gratuitously shallow toy-promotion anime.” Rebecca stated. “But at least it had fun with it.”
“Exactly.” Rick nodded. “But even by those standards, this was shockingly shallow, with little or no characterization beyond one line sketches. Plus, thanks to the narrative structure, or lack thereof, most of the time you have no idea of what’s happening or who’s talking.”
“So poorly written, terrible narration, shallow, horrible characters and a universe that bends over backwards to accommodate them.” Rebecca finished. “Its almost like Delta Invasion without the angry teenage hormones.”
“Though I’m still kind of happy that it wasn’t Delta.” Tsuneo managed. “I know it sounds mean, but as Rick said, there’s no deeper philosophical messages or underlining themes or the like for the fic to stomp all over.”
“Delta has the amazing ability to make anything better.” Rebecca noted. “By simply existing, it improves every other Fanfic in existence.”
“Terrifying thought, but also probably true.” Rick finished. “So what do you think of my presentation?”
“Well, I-“ Tsuneo began.
“It sucked and made no sense.” Dan cut him off.
“Fair enough” Rick nodded. “But I think I’ll steal it for my next comic anyway.”
“Your ability to take criticism amazes me.” Tsuneo commented.
“You get used to it. Editors exist for a reason, something more fic writers need to realize.” Rick commented as he stood. “So for now, I’m out of here before we get more Kevin then we can take.”
“I suggest that we drown our sorrows in bacon.” Rebecca added as she got up. “Bacon does, after all, make everything better.”
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Author’s notes:
Had things gone differently, this fic would have likely been a part of the Elmer Studios 2003-2004 season. Instead, here it is, a decade later. Regardless, this is a fic I’ve wanted to do for some time. Kevin (alias Big Kev) had become something of a legend amongst parts of the Zoids fandom, like a slightly more G-rated Delta Invasion.
In Canon, the Backdraft group were, as stated, basically an illegal fighting organization that made its money from high-risk betting and video distribution. However, in fanfic and RP, the Backdraft is almost universally used as some sort of evil empire who go around torching villages and killing people for no real reason. Why? I have no idea. It doesn’t help their cause or goals, and likely would detract from it through raising their profile and making them a bigger and more dangerous threat.
Imagine if the first rule of Fight Club was ‘No Witnesses’, and you get the idea of how dumb this is.
Zoids is copyright Tomy-Takara
The Dark Spiner written by Kevin The Dark Spiner
Rebecca Bartley and Rick R. Mortis created by Rick R. (natch)
Tsuneo Tateao and Dan created by Zogster
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Shock and/or terror? Email us at elmerstudios00 (at) gmail.com and register your Jeff.
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> Seems Kevin had touched the lives of more than they’d expected.