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Post by devildog113 on Aug 10, 2006 0:13:50 GMT -5
Okay people this is my first fanfic that has elements inspired by many anime's and the storyline is my own so please bear with me! Be warned this is for people 16+ and later in the series the other main character who's is a girl and the pilot of Behemoth does have a relationship with the other Guide who is also a girl! Enjoy!! Please comment!!!!
It was 12:38am and still 17 year old Douglas lapan could not find sleep, tossing and turning in his bed until finally he got up from his bed, put on his white T-shirt and headed outside as quietly as possible so he wouldn't wake his parents. Who thankfully were still asleep. When he got to the front door he hoped his dog was asleep because if it saw him go near the front door it would think it's time to go for a walk. Fortunately his dog was still asleep and he snuck by his dog and opened the door, expecting to be hit by a blast of hot august air he was surprised when he felt the unusually cool air rush over him. As he closed the door he felt as if something was watching him and quickly turned around and said in a calm yet commanding voice "who's out there". But he heard no reply and simply shrugged it off and climbed up on his roof. When he finally got to the roof he sat down and started starring at the beautiful night sky wondering if theres any meaning to his life except working at his pitiful $5.15 an hour job pushing an ice cream cart on the beach. As he was thinking that he started to doze off but he quickly snapped out of it and stood up and looked towards the east and saw a huge flaming meteor like object, which he guesstimated being 195 FT long and 200 FT wide, Slowly go across the sky and head towards the ocean with a deafening roar. As he watched this object go towards the ocean he saw a smaller object shoot off, and as if it were controlled, land about a mile away which he guessed being near the heavily wooded area of oak island. After he watched the smaller object disappear behind the trees he returned his glance back to the larger object which was now gone. He stood on his roof for fifteen minutes listening ever so carefully for a splash or explosion but he heard nothing except crickets. Still in a state of shock he climbed down off of his roof and snuck back into his home and fell asleep still wondering what the hell he just saw. "Doug get the hell out of bed you're going to be late for work!!" yelled Dougs father. "Okay! I'm up!" Doug replied. This is how he usually got up on workdays. As he dragged himself out of bed he remembered about the object he saw and heard last night and wondered if his parents heard it. When he walked into the living room he said to his parents "Did yall happen to hear anything last night?". His mom and dad looked at him and shook their heads. Thats the reply he expected to receive because his parents could sleep through anything including the loudest thunder storms and the sonic booms from the Navy jets that flew by every night. He turned and went back into his room and put on his usual work clothes which included, a USMC hat, Grey Army pt shirt, jean shorts, sandals, and his sunglasses. He checked the time and when realizing it was 10:30am, grabbed his Honda Civics keys and quickly ran out the door and into his car. And after about 5 minutes of breaking the speed limit arrived at work where he was promptly put out on the beach at his usual spot which was near some condos and a pier. As he pushed his cart he looked up in the sky to see if there were any clouds and instead noticed the intense military air traffic which consisted of, 4 F-18's, 3 C-130's, and a fare share of USMC AH-1W Cobra attack helicopters. He then said to himself " They have be searching for that object that went by last night!". But unfortunately he never found out because 10 minutes later at 10:45am it clouded over and started raining hard and this Meant his work day was over and had to return home. Twelve hours later at 10:45pm he left his home still wearing his work clothes and walked to the beach hoping that the military aircraft were still out there searching. But unfortunately there were no planes in the air, Just the stars in the quiet moonless night sky. Doug then sat down in the cold sand and started to look out towards the sea. As he was looking towards the sea he felt a slight rumbling and then heard an eerie cry that almost sounded like a whale only deeper, and then there was silence. Perplexed Doug stood up and strained his eyes trying to see something in the darkness, suddenly he saw 1 green light and 1 red light shoot out of the sea and land 3 miles down the beach near the pier. Not wanting to stick around any longer Douglas started running and not knowing why kept on looking back to see if there was anyone or anything following him until he got home. When he got home for some reason he locked all the doors and windows, then went to his room and for some reason grabbed his Berretta M92F pistol under his bed and loaded it, then he put it under his pillow and laid down on his bed. After about an hour he turned off his light and turned on his TV's sleep timer and dozed off into sleep. Unfortunately for him he was woken up by a loud thump that came from outside. He looked outside and saw two red eyes looking straight at him. After 2 minutes of this thing studying him it made a piercing mechanical roar which lasted for about 3 seconds and then the roar and the creature disappeared. Doug was now officially scared to death. Quickly Doug ducked under his covers and turned off his TV and waited for something to happen. He didn't have to wait long because ten minutes later he started to see a strange blue light in the corner of his room he closed his eyes but he could still see the light as it was getting brighter, then it went dark. With his eyes still closed he reached for the lamp and turned it on after he turned it on he opened his eyes and to his amazement there stood the most beautiful girl he had ever seen in his life she was about 5'8", Finely Tanned silky skin, she had long green hair that went to the middle of her back, and she had on a skin tight black suit that showed her perfect figure. the suit had pink pads on her knees, elbows , shoulders, upper thighs, her feet, and chest area. But the most striking feature were her piercing yellow eyes witch when they opened were looking straight through his soul but then he found that as long as she was staring at him he couldn't move. Finally he started to move his right arm and reached for his gun but the strange beautiful woman knew what he was doing and in the blink of an eye grabbed his right arm with her left hand and his throat with her right hand. Doug struggled slightly and found out that this girl had him pinned he thought to himself as he was staring into her eyes "I cant believe it! me a 190lb wrestler is getting overpowered by this strange girl!!!!" Suddenly as he tried to move she said to him in a calm unfatigued feminine voice "Don't even try to move! I can easily kill you right now if I wanted to! but if i did my mission would be considered a failure!". "Mission! What kind of damn mission are you on! and what the hell do i have to do with it!!"Doug said. The girl then grinned and said "I'm here for you! Not to take you away! but to help you!". "Help me with what!!" Doug replied. "To help you battle behemoth in the end of days!" The strange girl replied. Doug then said stammering "E..End of Days!! like the apocalypse!!" "Exactly!! You have been chosen by god to pilot the Leviathan" She replied with the grin still on her face. "What! I'm confused! Pilot! I thought it was a flesh and blood animal!" Doug said. "No! it's what is called a Zoid!" She replied. Doug's then says with a puzzled look "Zoids! I thought that was just a damn cartoon!" "Heh! You humans always think that just because it's a cartoon it isn't real! well it is real! more real than you can imagine!" the girl replied. After that she relinquished her grip and sat down next to him and then looked back into his eyes knowing it would paralyze him and then said "But before that I have to do something!". "Whats that? if you dont mind me asking??" Doug said with a surprised look. "I haven't "interacted" with anybody for a thousand years! So I'm going to "interact" with you!!" she said grinning. "wait! you mean you're going to......" but before he could say anything else she kissed him and forced him down onto the bed. The next morning Doug opened his drowsy eyes and turned around in his bed only to see that the strange girl was right beside him and naked nonetheless! After seeing this and realizing what had happened he jumped up out of bed with a yell of fright and just as he was about to say something the girl opened her eyes sat up and covered herself with his blankets and said with a smart smile and a calm voice "Good morning!" Doug then yelled out at her with an annoyed/ angered voice "Wait a minute! You didn't even give me you name and you used me for your personal needs! thats not right!" After that the girl got up retrieved some clothes that include a shirt, jeans, and some socks from a duffel bag he had not noticed the night before and said to him "Oh! I'm sorry my name is Kasamora! but just call me Kas!!" Now that Doug had finally heard her name he then asked the one question that was on his mind " So when do i get to see this Leviathan that I am supposed to pilot!?" Kas then looked at him and said "You get to see it tomorrow!".
End of Part 1
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Post by rantinan on Aug 10, 2006 0:54:44 GMT -5
Where to start, where to start. 1) Sentence structure, paragraphs, and functional grammer are your friend. Use them. This whole thing needs rewriting. Events need to be broken by paragtraphs. Flow on sentences are not exactly readable either. 2) Your first female character seems to be of hte type called a "Mary Sue" the whole interaction bit is unnessercary and offputing. Unless it is pivotal to the plot, or you are trying to write pron, leave the sex out. 3) Your male character is based off you right? This is called self insertion and is also generaly a very very bad thing in fanfic.
There are some thigns you need to do to fix this up. The first is to use proper sentence and paragraph structure. The 2nd is to not make the fic about you. Finaly, raondom sex, even if it has a veil drawn over it, generlay is not part of zoids. In my opinion it would be better elft out untill thers a character driven reason for it, not just i hvent seen another person in a thousand years I'm horny.
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Post by Tilly on Aug 10, 2006 7:08:09 GMT -5
I had a post here. I swear I did.
Like Rantinan said, you should edit this. It needs complete sentences that aren't run-ons...and usually having a new paragraph when new person is speaking is better than a new line (though a new line is better than nothing). That'll make the whole thing a lot easier to read.
The main problem with the story itself, aside from the possible self-insertion? The sex bit comes across as just thrown in there to have the sexy female character jump someone-and disturbing, what with the guy not being an entirely willing participant...
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Post by Deadborder on Aug 10, 2006 7:18:30 GMT -5
Right. Let's start with one hting and one thing alone: The Paragraph is your friend. You will repsect the Paragraph. You will Honour the Paragraph. You will accept the Paragraph's will. But, above all else, and I cannot stress this enough, you will use the Paragraph.
Now that we have gotten the single horrific flaw in your writing style out of the way, it is time for me to analyse the contents.
Right, first things first, we'll start with the disclamer. Now this disclaimer is an immediate killer. Why? Because by reveling the sexuality of the girl in question basically kills the character development stone cold dead right there and then; furthermore, it'll kill any impact that the development may have had. This is the sort of thing that's best reveled in text, not as an in-your face screaming announcement.
Besides, we're (moderately) mature people here. We can handle slashyness here. Hell, me, the screaming angry conservative has written a fic with slashy characters. If you're really, really worried, you could put up a warning of somrething like "Warning: Contains Mature Sexual Situations" (or at least "ZOMG LIK HOT LESBOS!!!111222!) without killing it. Too much.
But, sadly, that's not the limit of it. In fact, the worst is yet to come. You see, the cheif overriding probem is the main chracter. Now I know this is going to sound painful, but... that guy is the sort of hting that Badfic is made of. Why? Because he's a blatant case of self-insertion Gary Stu-ism, that's why.
You may say "But he's not me!" And that may be true. But he smacks of wish fulfillment in so many ways. He's an average Joe with a dead-end jorb. Right. And he sleeps with a kewlzies pistol under his pillow (Which we won't ask about how he can afford with his dead-end, minimum wage jorb, becuse its interrupting my flow). That's a bad start. But it gets far, far worse.
So a fire metor comes down from the sky and only he sees it. This is painful cliche. Then what do oyu know, the hotttest girl in the entire universe shows up out of nowhere loking ofr him. She says "Your favourtte fandom is actyually true and you're the only one who can save it form doom, so we're going to give you a collosal monster that looks like your every fanboyish desire". This is so gut-wrenchingy, eye-searingy, brain-implodingly awful that i can't begin to describe it. You've just shot off viortually every "don't" rule of creating an orginal character and plot that I can htink of.
And yet, it gets worse. Why? Becuse the second thing she does is grab Gary Stu, slap him down on the baed and bang him like crazy. "I haven't seen anyone in a thousand years and I'm horny" is not characterisation or devleopment. In fact, it smakcs even more of blatnat wish fulfilment. You've also killed dead any chance of this chracter being taken seirously.
(If she's really that desperate, there are plenty of other ways she can "aleivate" bordom. it sounds crude, but she has a pair of fully functional hands.)
That she's apprently Bisexual makes it even more horrible. I can see it now; Joe Self insert here is ghoing to wind up hanging with a pair of randy chicks who like to bang him and each other. At the same time. Spare me.
The wosrs part is that she has no chracter at all beyond "Horny exposition." None, nothing, zip, diddly, nada. Not even the most basic of introcuctions to her peronalty beyond "root me." She's a one-diomensional cardobard cutout with an ovely-described (and rather ugly) outfit.
Blugh.
In conclusiuon, I'd reccomend going back to square one. In all honesty, everyhting is flawed from "premise" on up.
Rick R.
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Post by Orange on Aug 10, 2006 7:38:59 GMT -5
OMGZ so kewl i liked it it is so neat cuz i liek honda civics and teh mareins are you a marine?!? u don listen to the h8terz they r just bashers yknow. i think u shold write more lol hey can u put me in ur fic plz??! i can be a mechanic i am good wit tools and i hav a grate personality
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Post by Xehn on Aug 10, 2006 12:38:06 GMT -5
...And there's the resident sarcastic.
Anyway. Yeah... I have to say I agree with everyone.
It's pretty much all of the worst anime/video game Cliches at once.
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Post by adamassc on Aug 10, 2006 13:52:50 GMT -5
...And there's the resident sarcastic. Anyway. Yeah... I have to say I agree with everyone. It's pretty much all of the worst anime/video game Cliches at once. Now that's not true, Kaelin. There's not a single mention of a village being attacked by minions, or of the guy being able to expertly pilot the mech, despite having little to no prior experience at it... yet. Seriously, though. Private devildog113, may I call you Private? Anyways, as harsh as these comments might come across as, it is in your best interest as a writer to take heed of them. Lord Deadborder is a master of the linguistic arts, and through his insight, many young fanfics have been pulled from a dark and terrible road. Colonel Orange, while sarcastic at times, is a queen of writing bliss. Her fanfic, Lay of the Last Minstrel, is a work of purest art. And then there's Lady Tilly. If she offers you a pairing generator, for the love of Eve don't take it! It will munch on your brain for days, leaving only fear and destruction in its path! The horror, The HORROR!!!! *ahem* As vicsious as they sound, the people here wish only to aid you in your quest. Take to heart the advice they provide, it will make you all the stronger.
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Post by devildog113 on Aug 10, 2006 14:34:22 GMT -5
Actualy the main character is based on me! Sorry I just couldnt think of any thing else. And im terribly sorry for being descriptive in my writing. I just happen to be writing a book and was in that state of mind when i wrote this fanfic. And was i too descriptive in the last part because if you dont like it I will edit it tonight or right now.
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Post by devildog113 on Aug 10, 2006 14:49:15 GMT -5
I made the female character in vision of my girlfriend who was with me when I wrote this. Basically what Im trying to say is that we are writing it together and that part which I should have metioned im my previous post was her idea not mine! I actualy wanted Kass to be more subtle and not straight-foward like my girlfriend wanted her! and as for the paragraphs and stuff like i said before Im writing a book and im just exhausted with my book so I wanted to slack off a little bit. So I promise you this the next chapter I will try not to get my girlfriend involved and will try to do it on my own. (even though she is probably the greatest thinker between the 2 of us)
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Post by Hidocker on Aug 10, 2006 15:01:31 GMT -5
Dood, don't double post. Modify the last post.
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Post by KAndrw on Aug 10, 2006 16:52:37 GMT -5
(If she's really that desperate, there are plenty of other ways she can "aleivate" bordom. it sounds crude, but she has a pair of fully functional hands.) Technically, you only need one hand to play Scrabble. Though having a spare hand with which to eat carrot sticks at the same time would make for even more boredom reduction!
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Post by Xehn on Aug 10, 2006 16:59:34 GMT -5
Now that's not true, Kaelin. There's not a single mention of a village being attacked by minions, or of the guy being able to expertly pilot the mech, despite having little to no prior experience at it... yet. And there's the key word: Yet.
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Post by Orange on Aug 10, 2006 20:24:35 GMT -5
...And there's the resident sarcastic. I prefer 'curmudgeon'. And im terribly sorry for being descriptive in my writing. I just happen to be writing a book and was in that state of mind when i wrote this fanfic. And was i too descriptive in the last part because if you dont like it I will edit it tonight or right now. Oh gee guys. He was being too DESCRIPTIVE. There's the problem. D'oh. Dude. That is not fecking description. It reads like a 13 year old writing their very first lime, and is too bashful to say 'sex'. Actualy, i'm glad for that lack of detail. Want good sexual description? Google the 'Rentboy Diaries' for the blog of a high-class, modern male prostitue. That's description. Keep up that ice-cream cart pushing, Dougie.
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Post by Deadborder on Aug 11, 2006 19:00:21 GMT -5
KAndrw Win! Fatality!
Now dd113, at no point did we say that you had "too much" desciption. Looking over the fic, there's almost no description at all save for the vomitiously overdone write-up of Exposition Girl. For example, we have next to no idea what Our Hero looks like, save for the fact that he wears a USMC cap.
You do need to "describe' more. And by "describe" i don't mean "write out overly long gratuitiouis sex sequences." Do that and you'd be on the fast road to Bannedsville. I mean, describve your chracters, descrie their surroundings, describe where hty are, how they're feeling, what's going on... that sort of stuff.
Oh yes. Change your characters. Self-Insertion is very, very bad. Adding your girlfriend, no matter how much of an idelaised verison of them, is just the icing on the Awful cake.
Rick R.
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Post by devildog113 on Aug 15, 2006 0:01:33 GMT -5
Dude I'm 17 and the only reason I didn't say sex is because my female doesn't know what it is called on earth! Oh and stop being so pessimistic about my story the only thing I want to know is if yall liked it or not! And please excuse the grammer in this one. I promise the second part, Which has been going under serious editing will be better since I was rushed by various people to finnish and post the first part!
P.S. When you read a fanfic please take into consideration the authors feelings! And just enjoy the damn story!!!!!!!
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