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Post by Zar_Wolf on Mar 22, 2006 23:05:17 GMT -5
I acutally wrot these a little bit back and decided to continue it, soI'll post the new chapter 4 tommorow because I've almost finished it. these are just so everyone can catch up with the story.
----------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 1: Bio Attack
08:24:56 May 15, 100 GY Master Stix Village, Suak
Sicheal, a young pilot only sixteen, looked down the pathway. The same pathway that he had walked down almost a month ago. A small building was on fire near the edge of the outer wall. Sicheal climbed up his Sword Wolf's leg, and hopped into the cockpit.
"Bio Raptors...." he muttered.
His Sword Wolf charged forward, blades deployed. Bio-Raptors, a velicoraptor-type Zoid with a very light frame, were often village raiders. They aren't controlled by humans, and as far as the villagers know, they take orders from no one. Sicheal knew other wise, though. Sword Wolf, a wolf-type Zoid with two swords on its back, was a one of a type (as far as Sicheal knows, nobody else had one) Zoid. The Sword Wolf, staying on the path, avoiding the trees off to the side of the path ran toward the village. Sicheal pulled back on the controls and turned, and Sword Wolf Stopped and jumped off to the side. Three connects ran right past where Sicheal and his Sword Wolf were. Connects, centipede-type Zoids which are very small, only had two weapons. Sicheal hated Bio-Raptors, and he didn’t intend on letting these ones take innocent villagers lives. Without even thinking about looking what else was with the Bio-Raptors, Sicheal charged forward, blades deployed; this wasn’t a battle he could lose.
08:26:03 May 15, 100 GY Fortica Village ,Suak
“Sir, incoming distress call from Master Stix Village, 12 Bio-Raptors, 1 command, and one unidentified bio-zoid.” Said Tom, the runner of Fortica Village.
“Well now, that’s a lot of Zoids, isn’t it.” Replied Mattlock, the villager’s leader.
“Sir ……….. the Molga Cannonary isn’t repaired yet.” Stated Tom.
“Tom, do you know what a runner is?..... (Tom nodes)….It’s a person that listens to frequency 7 and tells the village leader when there’s an attack. The runner is not one to worry about what to do. Now go listen to what’s happening, I’m going to fetch Sweet.” Lectured Mattlock.
“You mean Sweet …. As in the MegaRaptor pilot?” asked Tom.
“Yes.” Replied mattlock.
08:26:59 May 15, 100 GY Master Stix Village ,Suak
“Hello, Fortica, are you there, Fortica?” asked Sarah into the radio. Sarah was Master Stik Village’s runner.
“This is .o..ica. What’s your curre..t stats Master Stik?” Tom’s voice asked.
“ Three of our connects are gone, so that’s two left. Also, Sicheal arrived. There’s 8 bio-rpators left, the command one’s battling and the unidentified one is standing at the edge of the forest.” Stated Sarah.
“ Can y..u describe the unidentified one Sarah?” asked Tom’s voice, which sounded more happy now.
“ Tall, purple, with bones…. Reminds me of the Berserk Fuhrer from my grandpa’s Zoid Fairy Tales book.” Replied Sarah giggling at the mention of grandpa’s book.
08:29:45 May 15, 100 GY Fortica Village, Suak
“Okay Sarah, that’s funny.” Said Tom into the radio.
“What’s funny about? That’s a Bio-Rex she’s talking about.” Asked Sweet who had walked in with Mattlock.
Surprised, Tom span around in his seat. “ How long you’ve been standing behind me?” he asked.
“Since five seconds ago. Hey Sarah!”
“Yeah ,Sweet.”
“I’ll be over in ten minutes. Tell Sicheal to hold the fort ‘till then, okay. And Tom, some attempting to flirt with Sarah.” Sweet said running out to her Bio-Megaraptor
Next Chapter: Sicheal’s past is revealed a little while his sister tries to track him down.
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Post by Zar_Wolf on Mar 22, 2006 23:06:33 GMT -5
Chapter 2: Taken
8:31:12 May 15, 100GY Master Stix Village, Suak
The Sword Wolf charged forward, ripping off the head of a Bio-raptor with the it’s teeth. Sicheal breath was heavy, he was sweating. The Sword Wolf turned and charged at another Bio-Raptor. The Sword Wolf leaped. Bang. All of the sudden, the sword wolf was on the ground behind the Bio-Raptor. The side of the Sword Wolf was heavily damaged, leaving the core exposed. The Mystery Zoid standing by the forest turned and walked away. A Bio-Raptor came up to the Sword Wolf; it ripped off the core and carried it away in the direction of the Bio-Zoid. Another ripped open the cockpit, revaling a knocked-out Sicheal. Carefully picking him up with it’s teeth, it followed the other raptor. The remaining Bio-Raptors ran off joining the other raptors.
8:45:56 May 15, 100GY Master Stix Village, Suak
A Bio-MegaRaptor came running out of the forest, dodging all of the people lining the streets. It stopped in front of the corpse of the Sword Wolf. A female jumped out of the cockpit. She walked up to Sarah crying in fornt of the Sword Wolf.
“Sweet….. Sweet, they toke Sicheal!” Sarah cried turning and ran towards the Bio-MegaRaptor.
“No!” Sweet gasped, they toke her friend, her ally.
8:59:45 May 15, 100GY Somewhere along the coast, Suak
“Okay, let’s see here. Radar shows nothing, and all I see are footprints.” Said a frustrated Sarah.
Sarah had taken Sweet’s Bio-MegaRaptor and ran off following the footprints left behind by the Bio-Raptors and the T-rex thingy. She had yet to find anything besides they’re footprints and a heavy damaged Bio-Raptor. That, in her opinion, was totally disgusting. Why they left the raptor to die, and it’s pilot, she did not know. All she knew was she had to follow those footprints. She had to save her friend, she had to.
9:45:16 May 15, 100GY Qino, Delpoi
“So Sicheal, you think you can run away from the Bio-Empire and live! Who think you can turn your back on us and protect they’re lame cities and lives! You think that, you, one of the Empire’s best pilots can run……..and flee, and hide from us! How Many People did you tell the Empire’s secret! How many? Don’t try to lie,” yelled a grinning General Hammon, holding a pistol to the bleeding pilot’s head. “I’ll know!”
“Three, what no, six.” Replied Sicheal, breathing heavily and trying to utie himself from the chiar.
“Who are these three?” asked General Hammon, toying with the trigger.
“Your worst nightmare, and why do you have a light on me?” laughed Sicheal.
“You….. you me…. mean….. them?” asked General Hammon, whose hand had happened to start shaking.
“The Tri-Liger.” Replied a still laughing Sicheal.
“No, no, no!” breathed General Hammon, lowering his gun.
Next chapter: Sarah’s journey takes her to meet the Empire’s fear, and she finds a shocking secret.
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Post by Zar_Wolf on Mar 22, 2006 23:09:21 GMT -5
Chapter 3: The Tri-Ligers
9:50:03 May 15, 100GY Somewhere along the coast, Sauk
“What the HELL?” yelled Sarah, staring at the ground. She had followed the footprints all the way, now they just turned and went out in to the ocean.
“Raptors cannot swim!” yelled Sarah. “Where’d they go?”
Sarah walked the MegaRaptor up and down the beach five times in a five mile radius. No signs of the raptors, except the ones she followed. Sighing, she went back to the spot where the footprints disappeared.
“Guess I’m going swimming.” Sighed Sarah, who pulled out her swimming suit out of her backpack.
“Now what’s the need to go swimming, to show off, when you can take the Bio- Whale?” said a voice over the intercom.
Sarah turned the Raptor around standing before her stood three Ligers, each with a blade on its back.
“It can’t be, Murasame Ligers. Three? No way, the Blade Trio! It’s the Tri-Liger group!” gasped Sarah.
9:59:42 May 15, 100 GY Qino, Delpoi
Bang! General Hammon had pulled the trigger, shooting sicheal right above his right lung. A doctor came running in.
“Don’t save him, drop him off at the coast of Sauk.” Said General Hammon.
“But sir!?!” The shocked doctor gasped out.
“You don’t listen, do you?” asked General Hammon in a caring voice.
“Sir, I can save him now. You want him to die?” asked the doctor in a angry voice.
“Do as I say, NOW!” yelled General Hammon, wiping the sweat from his eye brows.
“Yes sir, sir!” replied the doctor, dragging the body of Sicheal off.
10:02:05 May 15,100 GY Somewhere along the coast, Suak
“So you guys are the kids of the Tri-Liger pilots, and are doing they’re job now?” asked Sarah, trying to figure out Zach’s, the tallest pilot, quick talking.
“Yes, you caught on pretty fast, and you understood me. Impressive.” Replied Zach, Jumping of the Murasame Liger and starting to make a camp.
“Now about that Bio-Whale? And you are the other two?” Sarah asked again.
“Justin, son of Katrina; and Allison, daughter of Andrew.” Answered Zach, as the other two pilots jumped down from they’re Murasame Ligers.
“Oh, that’d make you the son of Brent. And Justin, is your hair naturally that black?” asked Sarah, staring at Justin’s pure black hair.
“Yup.” He replied and turned to Zach. “Zach set up the tents.”
“One last question. Again, what’s a bio-whale?” Sarah asked in a very annoyed tone.
“It’s a Whale King modified to fit the Bio-armies uses. When camp’s up, would you like to see the dig site, it’s a fifteen minute walk from here? We’re digging up some old Zoids.” Asked Justin, starting a fire around the little ring of rocks.
“Sure, why not.” Answered Sarah, and then walked to her stolen Bio-Raptor.
Next Chapter: The old Zoids of the Royal Guard are found. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay, that's it for the first three, suggestions for the next chapter, and the whole rebellion crew will be revealed, and if Sicheal lives are not! So suggest, reviews, CONSTRUCTIVE (NOT DESTRUCTIVE) critisism.
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Post by Orange on Mar 23, 2006 7:47:10 GMT -5
For everyone coming after me, here's a easier to read version.
Sicheal: Oh nos badguys! GENERIC RAGE Sword Wolf: Who are you? Get out of my head please. Bio Raptors: Hi there! Have you got some eggs? We were making brownies, and we just dang forgot that we hard boiled all our eggs for easAGH BEING STABBED
Tom: Detective Mattlock, cannon-fodder at 12 o'clock. Mattlock: FREQUENCY SEVEN RUNNER SWEET MEGARAPTOR! Tom: Makes perfect sense to me. Nodes. Hey, Sarah! Sarah: Yoz. Some purple dude is here. Kekeke. Tom: Yeah, hilarious. Sweet: What am I doing here? Fine, I'll kill something. Tom, go rot in a hole. Tom: Will do!
Sicheal: Bang. Oh nos, being eated by a raptor. My, what a gentle grip you have. Sarah: Dude! Sweet! They took the dude! Sweet: Yeah, sweet! Oh, that wasn't a general modern exclamation of joy. ::tokes:: Oh, dude, look. The Raptors left their brownie mix. Y'got any eggs? I have an AWESOME plan.
Sweet: And now, apropriately stoned, we go look for whatshisface. Sarah: Dude! FINGERS! I have fingers! :waves hand in front of face:
General Hammon: RAR RAGE I R EVIL Sicheal: Who are you? Where did you come from? Never mind. Hey, look! Plot device! Hammon: OH NOS LYGIRS
Sarah: Oh well, he's not here. Let's go have more brownies. TriLigers: Why do that when we have a BIO WHALE? Sweet: Aw crap. TriLigers: We have swords!
Hammon: YAR U SHOT Sicheal: That smarts. Oh, time for a beach vacation? Tom: Makes sense to me.
TriLigers: Hi! We're related to people nobody has ever heard about. Isn't that GREAT? Now, let's dig up some more plot devices! Sarah: I am facinated by your black hair.
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Post by Deadborder on Mar 23, 2006 17:33:39 GMT -5
Orange, I like oyur version better.
Rick R.
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Post by rantinan on Mar 23, 2006 17:42:11 GMT -5
Dude this is ME saying this in a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black. Learn english. I dont post a chapter of 20 years untill I've spell checked it thrice and had someone else read over it. Your sentence structure makes no sence, and your grasp of how to write dialouge is microscopic. oh and Bracket(some explanation text here)unbracket is not part of the english language. You might have a good story idea here. I dont know because its impossible to read. Take this away and dont come back untill you learn to structure a sentence properly.
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Post by stormhawk on Mar 24, 2006 16:32:31 GMT -5
Short of some spelling errors its not that bad. You just gotta fix some bits here and there. Like rantinan, I don't quite understand what's going on, and BOF kinda made a better version there.
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Post by milicron on Mar 24, 2006 17:58:42 GMT -5
For everyone coming after me, here's a easier to read version. *sinp ROTFL goodness* ;D I think we've found the plotline for the next series: Zoids: WOW! I HAVE FINGERS!! ;D
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Post by Fulano on Mar 24, 2006 20:13:01 GMT -5
Uh, you guys are @$$holes... Can't you just help a guy out once or twice? Maybe add a little "constructive criticism"? C'mon...
First of all, sentence structure, grammar, spelling = a wonderful thing. Second, I think (and just IMO) that this topic is so cliche, its as bad as having a Liger Zero in a fanfic... However, you can change this. I mean, a small village, some kid thats just started puberty, and a burning village crawling with bio-raptors is... old. Its time to come up with something new. What about an old guy? Or, maybe a large, bustling city, instead of a village... Those are just a few suggestions. Otherwise, I think you could easily improve this fic.
ps. Rantinan, and Stormhawk, I'm not talking about you guys.
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Post by Zar_Wolf on Mar 24, 2006 23:45:21 GMT -5
Thanks Epyon, I know it could be improved, but it's from July LAST year, I was a year younger then, my style's changed, an I guess now I can rewrite the first three if that'd help, but I'd love to have the time to write the rest of chapter 4. Thanks agian Epyon, raintan and Stromhawk.
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Post by Orange on Mar 25, 2006 0:12:16 GMT -5
You're welcome!
Seriously. If it's a year old, and your style has improved, why are ypu posting it? That's like me saying HAY RICK LOOKIT TESE GUNDAM WING FANFICS I WROTE WHEN I WAS 17!!!
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Post by Zar_Wolf on Mar 25, 2006 13:19:20 GMT -5
Why? becuase I 'm contining it and posted it so that people can get caught up on the story before I post new chapters. And my style has changed a little and improved, but that shouldn't matter. You're welcome! Seriously. If it's a year old, and your style has improved, why are ypu posting it? That's like me saying HAY RICK LOOKIT TESE GUNDAM WING FANFICS I WROTE WHEN I WAS 17!!!
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Post by Deadborder on Mar 25, 2006 19:02:11 GMT -5
Why? becuase I 'm contining it and posted it so that people can get caught up on the story before I post new chapters. And my style has changed a little and improved, but that shouldn't matter. Being honest, I'd say that a better idea would be not to post thei nitial chapters. If your writing style has changed and improved, then the best thing to do would be to rework those first three chapters. As hty stand, thy're very raw and very rough. That way, things will look a lot neater and far more seamless when you post the fourth chapter. I feel afraid. Rick R.
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Post by Orange on Mar 25, 2006 22:52:15 GMT -5
No, serious! It's awesome! Heero gets turned into a mutant and is forced to work underground in a sewer-based themepark attraction, and Relena has a talking dog, and then Treize rises from the dead with Goku from Dragon Ball Z, and beats up Trowa. And Quatre whines about something.
Dont laugh. I wrote a peice of crap similar to that on FanFaction.Net, and it got motherfuging rave reveiws. And it scares me when people sometimes message me out of the blue to ask 'WHEN U FINISH FIC?!?'. Good lord. This was four years ago, people.
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Post by Deadborder on Mar 26, 2006 1:36:58 GMT -5
No, serious! It's awesome! Heero gets turned into a mutant and is forced to work underground in a sewer-based themepark attraction, and Relena has a talking dog, and then Treize rises from the dead with Goku from Dragon Ball Z, and beats up Trowa. And Quatre whines about something. Dont laugh. I wrote a peice of crap similar to that on FanFaction.Net, and it got motherfuging rave reveiws. And it scares me when people sometimes message me out of the blue to ask 'WHEN U FINISH FIC?!?'. Good lord. This was four years ago, people. Um... ummm.. That sounds... nice. Yeah. Okay, I'm offically afraid. Rick R.
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