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Post by logmon1 on Mar 21, 2006 17:08:42 GMT -5
((Ok, my first try at a Zoids Fanfic that I hope will make is far. Give me advice if I need it.))
Through the eyes of scanner binoculars, a young man watched the royal guard zoids sent to guard the Empire's newest zoid. He was dark skinned, with black hair, and dressed in you average Republic uniform but with a radio system over his ear and mouth.
"I spy with my little eye, a lot of zoids. Mostly small ones though."
A cocky voice came over the trans mission.
"Ah, I can take out those Spiders and Demonsheads easy." It was quickly cut out by a female voice.
"Don't forget, that Mogola took down green horn last fight!" A commanding voice quickly took over.
"Ok people. Remember, our mission is to get in, stop the new zoid, and get out! I don't want any slip ups this time!"
The tan man turned around, his yellow eyes staring deeply at his green horn.
"Roger that, Will over and out!"
((Next post will be the fight. I just want some advice first.))
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Post by Tilly on Mar 21, 2006 17:44:22 GMT -5
That's just opening dialogue...I need to see more to really say much. When using OCs, though, don't just drop them into people's laps. Introduce them a bit, make 'em seem like people so they make readers want to keep going to see what'll happen to them.
You do need some spellcheck/editing, though...there's some mistakes there it'd catch, plus you stare at Zoids, not stair. Do you have a program with spellcheck? I have a couple free ones I can recommend if not.
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Post by Deadborder on Mar 22, 2006 2:30:11 GMT -5
I appreciate what you're trying to do in creating interest through launchign with a fast-paced action sequence. Unfortuntely, it doesn't work here.
The prlblem is a simple lack of introduction and explanation. We have no idea what's going on, who these people are, where they are and what they're doing here. We kniow that thy're in some sort of battle and, um... that's it, really. There's nothign much else to say aobut it. There's precious little reason to keep reading, and very little to make the reader want to care aobut the characters.
Dropping straigbht into a battle scene dioesn't really work as an interiduction, If oyu have to do it - and I did, I will admit - you need lots of intrdctiory text to establish things, which can often kill the pace of the secne.
I'd suggest lookign at it again and using htis as a rough framework... add in explanations and interductions and see how it gors.
Rick R.
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Post by Orange on Mar 22, 2006 15:59:14 GMT -5
I am not allowed to say mean things. I am not allowed to say mean things. I am not allowed to say mean things. I am not allowed to say mean things.
Nnnggg... It was eight sentances long. You dont have a single complete paragraph in there. Or a single complete thought. Yay, an empire dude fighting the republicans IN A GREEN HORN! Oh, and he's got a radio system over his ear and mouth. Does he get AM and FM at the same time? Unless, of course, you were talking about a radio headset, which does not convey images of darth vader with two handi-talkies duct taped to his head.
WE HAV TO STOPS TEH NEW ZOOID! C'MON WILL WHEATON!
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Post by logmon1 on Mar 22, 2006 20:33:02 GMT -5
I can do this, I can do this! The thought raced through the young girls mind as she sat in the cockpit of her bold guard. She was waiting impatiently for a surprise attack they had planned on the empire. It seemed imposable for the plan to work. Her long black hair laid over he face in frustration. Suddenly he headset kicked on,
"Sam, didn't you hear? I said now!"
She kicked to life as an oncoming Royal Gale felt the sharp shoulder spikes.
On the other side of the battle field, Will was using his equipped CP-10 to blow down Royal Spider after Royal Spider. While a little ways off, a Blade Liger driven by the world famous Van, who had just recently shown up in the eternal wastelands, sliced through twenty or more Royal zoids at once.
But, the battles of these three were in vain. As the giant hanger that was being guarded suddenly exploded to life. Huge claws grabbed the doors and pulled them open to reveal a huge, camouflaged, horned head with an Empire symbol on it. It seemed to be a Mad Thunder, but as it opened it's mouth, it was shown to be much more.
A huge burst of particle came flying out, going right for Sam.
"LOOK OUT!"
The scream came at the same time as a green Leoblaze pushed her out of the way. But it ended up taking the hit dead on in it's core blox. It was thrown through the air before slamming into a large mountin...
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Post by GiganGodos on Mar 22, 2006 22:00:04 GMT -5
Still to darn short..still..too..darn..short.. And vague. We need information!!
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Post by adamassc on Mar 22, 2006 22:05:41 GMT -5
try writing up a little flashback-like fic and use that as a type of character bible, referencing it constantly as you write up your story. Then, later, you can post it as a fanfic on the boards before you even finish, thereby spoiling the end like I did!
wait, that was a bad idea. Stop before the posting part.
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Post by Tilly on Mar 22, 2006 22:58:25 GMT -5
Uh...what's Van doing in the battle story universe? The whole thing just seems to be randomly slicing through/exploding Zoids, too...
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Post by Orange on Mar 23, 2006 2:15:29 GMT -5
Uh...what's Van doing in the battle story universe? The whole thing just seems to be randomly slicing through/exploding Zoids, too... But dont you see, Tilly? It sliced through twenty zoids at once! Obviously, it is so powerful that it cant break the bounds of continuity, sanity, and reason. We all need to be as foward-thinking as whatshisface here.
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Post by GiganGodos on Mar 23, 2006 3:55:27 GMT -5
Either that or he's found a way to take his cheese-script-immunity with him..
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Post by logmon1 on Mar 23, 2006 18:29:10 GMT -5
Ok, fanfic cancled. What I really wanted to do is have a bunch of coustoms facing eachother off.
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Post by Königbreaker on Mar 23, 2006 18:35:35 GMT -5
Sorry.. I couldn't help LMFAOing there..
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Post by stormhawk on Mar 24, 2006 16:28:55 GMT -5
Logmon1, you really didn't do yourself any favours. Work on the storyline abit more before you attempt this again... and next time, make sure it beats Lay of the Last Minstrel..
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Post by Orange on Mar 25, 2006 0:16:10 GMT -5
Oh Storm, you are too kind, setting my stuff up as a standard of quality. Ego-feeder.
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Post by stormhawk on Mar 25, 2006 6:57:38 GMT -5
BOF, anything to feed the megalomaniac tendencies..
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