Shadow Team

[BladeLigerSTINGER]

Ok,if anyone has read my 2 topics on Shadow Team in the customising board you will all ready no this:
Shadow team main story:
A zoid group built in western planet Zi, a very powerful group built up of black and gold zoids !
Shadow worm story:
The shadow team needed some zoids so they creeped into an empire base and Zing (leader) jumped into a stationed molga and shouted to the others to jump into the other 2 stationed but they where notected so they ran away and Zing, Got away with his molga !
The shadow worm, Making story:
Zing and others costumised the zoid in black and gold ! But was set to gring the youngest zoid pilot in there group but was a travel hourse for zing untill he found his favriote zoid !
Gring will be the pilot, i will be painting ! Not Zing !
Zing will have Shadow liger and Cring will have Shadow fang !
But no one knows about Shadow Fang and Shadow Liger so here it is:
Shadow Fang !
Cring was wondering the desert, Then a strange looking and very dameged Zaber Fang fell infront of him, he ran back to base and brought Zing & Gring with him, there it was now covered in sand, they pulled it back with Shadow worm and set on work ! It kept falling over untill the legs where re-set and was fine, now It was spreyed black with a Zoid spreying gun and then other parts coloured gold ! Now they where asked to do a 2-2 battle agaist TEAM LIGER ! Liger zero Jager and Blade Liger VS Shadow Worm and Shadow Fang !
This was gring's first time piolting Shadow Worm and Was cut in half with balde ligers blades and had a command system freeze but so didBlade liger because of been over powered ! Now While Jager looked at Blade Liger, Shadow fang attacked and ripped Jager in half and Shadow Team won !
Now for Shadow Liger ! No, i'll wait to write this one !

[Deadborder]

You need to work on your spelling, grammar and punctuation.

You need proper sentance and paragraph structure.

You need to introduce the chracters and let the reader know who or what they are and what they're doing.

You need to clarify the background. Where are they? What era is this? Who are they? What do they do? WHY?!?!?

Your so-called battle scene is little more then a bunch of random declarations of what people did.

This reads more like a story outline then anyhting else.

Rick R.

[BladeLigerSTINGER]

Oh, Soz !
Well there in the NZ0 era and there isn't a background there a new group ! Theres a zoid group that steal zoids and battle with power ! well it going to be a book ! No joke im on the 4th chapter thats a little ! and in 4 chapters theres 120 pages ! theres 7 chapters ! I'll post the full thing when its finished !

[Tilly]

What's the word count? I don't use pages to measure what I write, since that can vary so much because of formatting...I mean, when I'm in scribbly-messy-writing mode in real life, I might only fit a paragraph typed on a whole page written.

[fitzergrif]

Deadborder said:

You need to work on your spelling, grammar and punctuation.

You need proper sentance and paragraph structure.

Not to be picky, but you spelled 'sentence' incorrectly.

Points were right on, though. I second your suggestions.

[Deadborder]

fitzergrif said:

Not to be picky, but you spelled 'sentence' incorrectly.

Points were right on, though. I second your suggestions.

What can I say? I'm a terrible typist. A pedantic, terirble typist.

Rick R.

[Dust Mite]

YA finally a story about me and my team

[Zekey]

Deadborder said:

What can I say? I'm a terrible typist. A pedantic, terirble typist.

Rick R.

*Resists pointing out "terirble"*

Actually, I agree Rick. The story needs to be atleast slightly choerant. I really would like to see developement of this story, it seems as though you have it well thought out. Good thoughts often don't translate to stories without some work, and constructive criticism.

[Tilly]

And good old-fashioned practice.

No, really...compare the writing in the first chapter of Zoids Pointy Shiny Adventure Romance of DOOM!, and keep in mind it took a good part of last year for me to finish it. Even writing random stuff helps, especially if you have someone point out things.

I think I've gotten better with not overusing the passive voice, so now I'm working on better showing who's speaking without getting repetitive. And I still am trying to improve the ever annoying-to-write-without-reusing-words longer fight scenes...

[aqouli]

Gahh... I have that problem too. There are times when even a thesaurus is useless, because the word that you're looking for has no available (and fitting) substitute.

I always have a problem writing scenes where there is a lot of action. That's why I tend to keep them short, without too many descriptions or adverbs. But other than those methods, I dunno how to combat repetition of words.

[Tilly]

The Wolf/Flauschig/Storm Führer battle was a pain that way...even with changing terrain, there's only so many words to do with running quickly and being thrown to the ground/hit by shots. But you just can't have a Liger/Führer rematach without a big battleofdoom...

And since the next thing I'm working on is in the Fuzors universe, it'll have battles in it too...and a few stuck in those arenas. Sigh...