Yes, they're mentioned, but there's not really a substantial threat level. We know they're some bad folks with nasty plans but we don't know how those plans will hurt the protagonists. They make some plans that sound like the plans alluded to previously but there's no tension. It's really hard to believe that they're going to do something terrible that must never happen.
What it sounds like is that they're going to hatch some scheme that is easily dismissed, as in Team Rocket.
While the major characters are in play, the conflict has yet to take off. Without conflict, actual not hinted, villainy has a hard time taking root.
Referring to him as Count is fine, though there are a few instances of 'The Count' that throw it off. Admittedly, I must not have gotten far enough in NCZ to remember him.
I have no doubts about an impressive goal, I just don't see it in play in this chapter. Or rather, there is some talk of what will become the conflict, but it's hard to really be concerned due to the nature of the characters.
Those are good marks to aspire to. I don't mean to say the whole thing is Pokemon grade, just some elements of the villains as they're introduced here. In summary, someone has to get smacked before a scene of plotting ill can resonate.
Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 20, 2011 22:38:48 GMT -5
Ah, okay, I'm with you now.
At this stage, the story is on track with the Backdraft group. The original hard smack occurred at the end of NC0. You could watch the last three episodes of NC0 to get the short version, or the very last episode to get the Cliff Notes. At this point in the story, we're between smacks. I suppose you could say that we're heading straight for another smack, but that is only one reason why this chapter is necessary.
The other reason this Chapter is necessary is to build the world bigger, since this story is "Zoids New Century 001: The Zenevas Chronicles." This Chapter informs the Zoids fans as to what has happened to the Backdraft Group after their plans were trashed at the conclusion of NC0 by the Blitz Team with a little backup from the ZBC.
In short, we're setting the stage in Chapter 5 for the counter-smack, world-building, and updating the reader as to what happened to the Backdraft Group.
Everything seems in order here to me, other than that vicious grammar viper that lurks at my keyboard.
Hang in there, and keep reading. This world is a bit bigger than an anime episode. And thanks so much for your detailed crits. I've got a lot of story to manage here, and most of those other shows were written by teams of writers. So, if I can even get some story that is half as good as those shows were, then I'll be happy since I'm just one dude at a keyboard.
Oh, I see you made it Chapter 6. Glad you liked it. Nothing transcends like a tragedy.
Chapter 9 felt like it progressed only a few seconds from where 8 left us. That's not necessarily bad, but it needs to make it worth our while. Whether or not it does will depend on the reader in this state.
Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 22, 2011 10:36:32 GMT -5
Very good thoughts, indeed. No worries about the scoring, I've been through crits in the pro groups that were many times more negative. I'll give the ZBC team some thought, but in expanding the universe, I have plans for them and they are all OCs.
Interesting comments regarding how you felt about chapter 9. My plan was simple, in Chapter 8, we shift gears, in Chapter 9, we accelerate towards .... something. In terms of word count, Chapter 9 is among the rest of the Chapters ... did you feel an acceleration as a reader?
Thanks for the feedback. It is proving to be extremely helpful.
Chapter 9 felt like we had the wheels spinning but didn't really move much. We were left off at the start of a race in 8, began at the start of a race in 9 and ended at the start of the same race in 9.
While it's possible to hold tension for that long, introducing a team of new characters without the time or reason to detail them and their importance to the story won't do it.
Don't get me wrong, Chapter 9 isn't terrible. It just doesn't really move.
As far as the build-up goes, 10 doesn't do much moving either. It seems to release the kraken steam at first but doesn't really pan out. Then it goes back to building up and finally switches to an entirely different plotline.
The story is still good, just the delivery is kind of iffy.
Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 22, 2011 19:03:32 GMT -5
Yep, up until now, we've been tra-la-la-ing, playing all tease, smoochy, and a little plotting mixed with tragedy. All the of the things have to happen in the proper order of events before the kraken hits ... and when it does... well, you know... And we have to develop Chris' character to prove she might be a good match for our beloved hero. Keep reading. The smack will hurt when it comes, and I haven't posted that Chapter to FFn yet... Kinda seeing what your feedback is on the rest before I do, cause it's a pretty hard smack. I think your confusing plot line with character arcs. In NC0, fans like different members of the Blitz Team. I don't want those fans to feel like their character is left out of the story.
I've got to get my commas in order ... double yeesh.
Wow, this thread has over 200 hits. No one else wants to comment?
Even looking at the story as a whole, I'm hard-pressed to believe this is the optimal order. A second opinion would be useful here.
Character arcs are plotlines specific to certain characters, right? In essence, if you smash all the arcs together with the setting, you more or less get the plot.
Keeping all the characters in play is good, though we haven't heard from Dr. Toros since chapter 1, Brad/Naomi since 3 and Leena has been rather quiet too.
Chapter 11 finally settles the race that never was, and does it very well. It was worth the wait, though the waiting still doesn't seem like it was necessary. Great character development for Chris, Bit still comes off like a dumb meathead...or maybe I'm just blinded by my intense dislike of the guy...
Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 23, 2011 1:28:31 GMT -5
So, the race was worth the wait? Good ... but that isn't the smack.
Bit is a meat head, but that goes with the Liger Zero's personality.
There's not much to report with on Leena, since she doesn't have a relationship going and Dr. Toros isn't necessary to the story, right now.
Correct, when you press the character arcs together, they help solve the plot ... this story is just getting going, and there's more info to come in time... Some relevant information to the overall plot was dumped in the first chapter, and is teased in the story's title. When Luke Skywalker blew up the first Death Star, did we need to know at that moment that there would be another one?
Optimal order ... you may have a point there, but that's why I'm getting feedback.
Re more than 100%: Remember those parts that Kelly bought?
I want to argue that, technically, the parts would make for a new 100%...however, there are several ways it could work out to exceed that, such as the parts being shady and not being totally integrated or what not.
Anyway I'm tired.
12 does it's job well; I elaborate within. Going to sleep ;o;
Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 27, 2011 16:34:42 GMT -5
Respectfully understood, about the parts allegedly making a new 100%, but these parts are in the experimental stage, and as such, a baseline can prove the feasibility of the parts installation by not changing the control and monitoring systems of the Zoid. This way, the improved dynamics of the total system can be observed and therefore justify their capabilities. Only after a complete and tested use could a new command system parameter modification be employed, which is a software issue. This is pretty standard engineering development approach in such a complex machine like a Zoid, or real life... I have a degree in the field, you know. ^^
A real world example would be a marketing approach for a super-charger which boasts a 20-40% increase in horsepower. In this marketing scenario, the pitch is to show the additional power output for the device when attached to an appropriate internal combustion engine.
Thanks much for the crit on Chapter 12. It looks like I have epic fail with comma use ... not surprising since I don't often write stories with this type of tone, theme, and audience.