Just read chapter 1 and it occurred to me to ask how in-depth of a review you're looking for. It reads like you know what your're doing, so I don't mind anything from one-sentence sentiment to line-by-line dissection.
I learned more about the character in question reading this than all the episodes I watched way back when, and it didn't come off as dry either. In addition, I now know a great deal about the fanverse without any awkward exposition or monolouges. Well done~
One thing that caught my eye was "Toros strained a smile, and adjusted his desk chair ". I completely tripped over that comma; don't think it should be there.
Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 19, 2011 22:05:32 GMT -5
Feel free to dissect the story as much as you like -- chapter by chapter if you're up for it.
Whatever criticism/comment suits your comfort level is much appreciated by me. It's been my experience that a story will only get better with feedback. And feedback also helps a writer to write further into the story (no sense writing if no one is interested).
Thanks for the comma catch ... yep, it completely disrupts the flow. I suspect that there will be a few typos in the prose. It's my one weakness as a wannabe writer. I'm pretty good with plot, storyline, characterization, world-building, dialog, and character development .... but grammar is a hideous viper that snaps at me from my keyboard.
I'm glad you enjoyed Chapter One. Hopefully the other chapters won't be a disappointment for you.
Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 20, 2011 0:20:55 GMT -5
Thank you very much for the criticism, Shizuhara. I'll make good use of your suggestions in the rewrite. I don't disagree with any of your comments. I look forward to your other suggestions as well. Thanks again.
Chapter two was overall a fun read, though it isn't as polished. Full review is attached and...I'm going to sleep now. Do me a favor and club me if I review chapter three tonight; I could use the rest...
As a side note, let me know if my sense of humor is too dry/etc.
Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 20, 2011 9:18:25 GMT -5
Yep, completely agree about Chapter 2. I think it comes from the fact that, for me, Leena is the hardest character to write for. Good thoughts and observations. I'll give your comments and Chapter 2 a critical eye. Thanks.
Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 20, 2011 15:09:55 GMT -5
It's not so much that I'm not comfortable writing Leena, it's more that her character is one that borders on being completely out of control. She relies too much on her emotions, she over-reacts, and touts a very child-like short fuse. In some ways, she's almost the spoiled little daddy's girl stereotype. She's a walking contradiction, and that's what makes her hard to write. That constant contradicting attitude is a real chore to keep correct, and in character, but when a writer gets her character right, she's hilarious to observe. Sadly though, this type of character will never get what they want, because they can't realize that there are two sides to a coin, so to speak. Sometimes, she's the infamous "hooray for me and to heck with everyone else" persona.
Brad and Naomi are quite easy for me to write. Their banter in the bar was by far the funnest thing to write in the story, so far. As far as the closing line, it was meant to be a page turner... I'll have to give it some thought. Thanks again for the feedback, and I've had a heck of a time trying to nail down that opening line.
Yeah, introducing an OC amidst canon characters can be tricky since no one expects you to describe people they know but you can't not describe an OC.
Chapter 5 is a curious case. It's arguably the best writing sample of the bunch...but the characters are too camp to work. There were many 'not-sure-if-serious' moments.
I mention this in the review but it deserves mention here too: There's no overarching goal yet that can support villainy. As it stands, only a few sentences of backstory justify their existence. It almost works, but ultimately doesn't inspire much concern for our protagonists.
Reminds me of Team Rocket from pokemon but without embracing the comedy and lacking the clearcut objective.