Zoidmagnite
Major
Fan of Zoids since the beginning.
Posts: 809
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Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 12, 2011 12:21:24 GMT -5
I've been working on my Blitz Team fanfic again. You can find the link to the story here if you'd like to read it: www.fanfiction.net/u/3332863/ZoidmagniteFeel free to post comments here on Pheno's if you don't have a FFn account, or post comments here and on FFn if you'd like! I'll be updating the story as Chapters reach completion.
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Post by Maethius on Nov 13, 2011 20:56:57 GMT -5
I'll have to devote some time to reading this... quite a bit more than a single chapter! Perhaps once my project is over with this attorney, I'll actually HAVE an hour of my own!
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Zoidmagnite
Major
Fan of Zoids since the beginning.
Posts: 809
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Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 16, 2011 21:56:43 GMT -5
What do you mean more than one chapter? There's one chapter written 13 separate times right now! Fair warning for you, though ... this is an anime based story, so action, action, conflict, drama, angst, and struggle abound... And there's even a little military in it, too (just for you!).
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Post by Shizuhara on Nov 19, 2011 18:36:05 GMT -5
Just read chapter 1 and it occurred to me to ask how in-depth of a review you're looking for. It reads like you know what your're doing, so I don't mind anything from one-sentence sentiment to line-by-line dissection.
I learned more about the character in question reading this than all the episodes I watched way back when, and it didn't come off as dry either. In addition, I now know a great deal about the fanverse without any awkward exposition or monolouges. Well done~
One thing that caught my eye was "Toros strained a smile, and adjusted his desk chair ". I completely tripped over that comma; don't think it should be there.
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Zoidmagnite
Major
Fan of Zoids since the beginning.
Posts: 809
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Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 19, 2011 22:05:32 GMT -5
Feel free to dissect the story as much as you like -- chapter by chapter if you're up for it.
Whatever criticism/comment suits your comfort level is much appreciated by me. It's been my experience that a story will only get better with feedback. And feedback also helps a writer to write further into the story (no sense writing if no one is interested).
Thanks for the comma catch ... yep, it completely disrupts the flow. I suspect that there will be a few typos in the prose. It's my one weakness as a wannabe writer. I'm pretty good with plot, storyline, characterization, world-building, dialog, and character development .... but grammar is a hideous viper that snaps at me from my keyboard.
I'm glad you enjoyed Chapter One. Hopefully the other chapters won't be a disappointment for you.
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Post by Shizuhara on Nov 19, 2011 23:43:04 GMT -5
Here's an in-depth review of chapter one. Remember, it's ultimately my opinion and I'm not yet infallible, so don't feel like you can't flat out disagree. Gonna start on chapter two but it's unlikely I'll finish tonight. Attachments:
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Zoidmagnite
Major
Fan of Zoids since the beginning.
Posts: 809
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Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 20, 2011 0:20:55 GMT -5
Thank you very much for the criticism, Shizuhara. I'll make good use of your suggestions in the rewrite. I don't disagree with any of your comments. I look forward to your other suggestions as well. Thanks again.
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Post by Shizuhara on Nov 20, 2011 0:38:56 GMT -5
Chapter two was overall a fun read, though it isn't as polished. Full review is attached and...I'm going to sleep now. Do me a favor and club me if I review chapter three tonight; I could use the rest... As a side note, let me know if my sense of humor is too dry/etc. Attachments:
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Zoidmagnite
Major
Fan of Zoids since the beginning.
Posts: 809
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Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 20, 2011 9:18:25 GMT -5
Yep, completely agree about Chapter 2. I think it comes from the fact that, for me, Leena is the hardest character to write for. Good thoughts and observations. I'll give your comments and Chapter 2 a critical eye. Thanks.
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Post by Shizuhara on Nov 20, 2011 13:32:13 GMT -5
For being uncomfortable writing Leena, you sure captured her character well. Everything else can be revised, but knowing a character and being able to express them is a hard-earned talent. Chapter three is another new setting and seems to be back in familiar territory for you. When Brad and Naomi got to talking, you took your writing to an entirely different level. Attachments:
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Zoidmagnite
Major
Fan of Zoids since the beginning.
Posts: 809
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Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 20, 2011 15:09:55 GMT -5
It's not so much that I'm not comfortable writing Leena, it's more that her character is one that borders on being completely out of control.
Brad and Naomi are quite easy for me to write. Their banter in the bar was by far the funnest thing to write in the story, so far. As far as the closing line, it was meant to be a page turner... I'll have to give it some thought. Thanks again for the feedback, and I've had a heck of a time trying to nail down that opening line.
Good comments. They help. Thanks.
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Post by Shizuhara on Nov 20, 2011 17:05:01 GMT -5
Given my tendency to want to stab main characters with sharp carrots, the stars were aligned against you for Bit's entry. Nevertheless, I'd say you fared pretty well. Attachments:
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Zoidmagnite
Major
Fan of Zoids since the beginning.
Posts: 809
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Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 20, 2011 18:23:39 GMT -5
Well, I'm relieved about Bit's entrance.
Good comments regarding Tiana. I think I might have been a tad too heavy with the pen in wanting to set her character in the reader's mind since she's an OC, and not from the original universe.
This helps a bunch. Thanks.
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Post by Shizuhara on Nov 20, 2011 18:54:54 GMT -5
Yeah, introducing an OC amidst canon characters can be tricky since no one expects you to describe people they know but you can't not describe an OC. Chapter 5 is a curious case. It's arguably the best writing sample of the bunch...but the characters are too camp to work. There were many 'not-sure-if-serious' moments. I mention this in the review but it deserves mention here too: There's no overarching goal yet that can support villainy. As it stands, only a few sentences of backstory justify their existence. It almost works, but ultimately doesn't inspire much concern for our protagonists. Reminds me of Team Rocket from pokemon but without embracing the comedy and lacking the clearcut objective. Attachments:
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Zoidmagnite
Major
Fan of Zoids since the beginning.
Posts: 809
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Post by Zoidmagnite on Nov 20, 2011 19:33:54 GMT -5
Wow, I think you lost me on this review.
The Backdraft is mentioned in Chapter 1 when Toros is talking with Braimen. The Backdraft is brought up again in Chapter 3 with Naomi and Brad at the Bar.
I've introduced all of the Main/Major Characters in the preceding four Chapters. I'm not sure how we can not be ready for a scene from the Backdraft?
Count (he's actually referred to as Count, as though it were a proper name) is from the original NC0 Universe. Count's sister is a new Character (through implication) as the organization's head.
Talking couches ... LOL. Yeah, that's true!
The overarching goal (and objective) ... you're going to have to trust me on this one.
Pokemon? No, not Pokemon. I'm thinking on the scale of Escaflowne, Z.O.E., G.I.T.S., Blue Gender, Noir, and the likes...
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